Saturday, June 15, 2019

Waiting and Changing

I hate to wait.  When I get into a series of books or shows, I wait until I know all of the the episodes are done so that I can watch or read it at my own time and I don't have to wait for anything.  Well, I'm in a waiting and changing season. I am finding that this is my place of discomfort.  I don't think I have been this uncomfortable in my life. 

I usually have an idea of what I want to do.  I have a plan in place.  I think about the times when I was faced with death before.  When my mother died, I had my father to lean on day in, day out.  When my father died, I had Santi to lean on day in, day out.  Now that it is just me and the kids, I find that I can not lean on the children.  Instead, I have to be strong for the children.  I mean, the children don't want me to lean on them.  They want me to be there for me, the way that my father was there for me. 

So, I find that there are some days that I am not happy.  I find that I am tired.  I find that there are moments that I am bitter.  There are moments that I am angry.  I have to follow the emotion down to the root and there I find the anger.  I have had to ask why.  It is not fun tracing down to the root of the matter.  I think mixed into the anger there is envy.  Down in the root of the matter, I find that there are moments where life has been unfair to me.  Even now, admitting this, I know that this is a sore spot.  Like a toothache your tongue can't stop bothering.  Like the pimple, you need to mess with.  This is my emotional spot. 

Some that are married tell me, "You'll find someone."  Some that are single say, "Single life is good."  Some that tell me, "You don't need anyone else."  This is when I want to ask angrily, "Have you lost everyone yet?  Have you lost your siblings, mother, father and husband?  Have you had miscarriages?"  I breathe in deeply and slowly, in and out.  I pray to God, "You will never leave me nor forsake me.  I am not alone.  You are with me." 

Too honest?  I feel like it's too honest.  I'm sorry.  I think about what I should share all of the time but I think it's important to share the hard as well as the funny and the good.  When I meet someone new I want to tell them, "You don't know this but I am broken.  How are you with broken things?"  This reminds me of some Scripture:

Psalm 51:15-17 
"O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart-
These, O God, You will not despise." 

God says, "You're broken?  Bring your broken pieces to me.  I will fix it."  So here I am.  God, I am tired, overwhelmed, waiting and changing.  I am being redesigned.  For a remodel, there is usually demolition.  I stand on the porch at night in my quiet neighborhood.  I breathe it all in.  I can feel it.  I can almost taste it.  Change is coming. Am I afraid to stay the same or am I scared to change?  I don't know.  I need to trust God in this.  Sometimes having faith is hard.  Sometimes trusting God requires a lot.  So... Ask me what I do.  I'll tell you.  I praise God.  I praise God in sadness.  I praise God in anger.  I praise God with tears pouring down my face.  When I'm angry, I tell Him.  When I'm sad, I tell Him.  Frustrated, embarrassed, broke and done, I pray.  The UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign is up.  Let's see what God does with this life of His. 

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