Monday, August 15, 2022

National Day of Failing and of Resting

 I got out of the car today as I was coming home.  It was a long Monday.  I had the radio on and the disc jockey stated that today was the National Day of Failing and of Resting.  I told my dear sweet husband this as I walked through the door.  He said something like, "Well, now that you have failed, you can rest."  Isn't that the truth!!!!

I sat there.  I have to fill out some papers and scan them in.  I am preparing for the last two classes.  I picked up a book and again, my dear sweet husband tells me, "What!  You think you can read now because you aren't writing?"  I laughed. This is exactly how I felt.  

Later, I spoke to my chair over the phone.  We reflected.  She told me how amazing and how proud she was of all of the work that I had put into my degree.  I was so close but I really don't feel bad.  I fought so hard for so long to try and finish.  I am ok walking away with the consolation prize of a lesser degree.  God has a plan in place.  He has a good plan for me.  Maybe the way to proper is to first fail.  

I find today apropos for the sentiment.  Already I feel myself letting go.  I feel aspects of myself already growing again after being stifled for so long.  I thought it would be hard to write about but... it's not.  God is for me, then who can be against me? (paraphrasing Romans 8 here).  Today I took time out of my day to give thanks and praise to God Who looks out to me.  I am now and have been, blessed beyone all measure.

The Bible says that the ending of something is better than the beginning.  There is relief and peace.  I am humbled, but in a good way and now there is more of me to spread (because there is a lot of me to spread).  I'm excited to see what the Lord has next for me.  In the meantime, Praise the Lord!


 A few years ago, right before my late husband died, I went on a hike with my children.  It was hard to find the starting point and when we finally got there I was faced with a very steep climb ahead of me.  I trudged along as my children went ahead of me.  At some point I lost my son and my daughter had to rush ahead while I sat crying amidst a legitimate panic attack wondering if my son was okay.  He was almost to the top when his little sister found him and told him to go all the way back down to where I was.  Together we continued up this hill where older ladies were passing me and there was a couple that ran up the hill.  I could barely walk up it.  My hips were screaming and my back was done with my efforts.  Still I climbed to where the hill plateaued.  I was so happy to reach it to this mark.  I thought I had reached the top.  But when I looked out, I could see that there was still about a horizontal mile before I made it to the tippy top.  I didn't continue.  I stopped where I was.  I took a picture of my children and then we started making our way home.  We were exhausted.  At the time, James, my late husband was home.  He would pass away within the month.  I remember talking to him about the hike and he asked for us to bring us food from Denny's when we ordered our victory lunch.  I feel that this forshadows a journey that has taken years to take.

I started an academic program years ago.  I did well but this week I was told that I would not be able to finish the initial program.  I was given the benefit of a consolation prize.  I will be able to complete a Masters degree. I agreed.  It isn't what I wanted but it is what I am getting. 

My initial reaction was this feeling of failure and of being a loser.  I am hard on myself but after prayer and my current husband boistering up my spirits, I am thankful for the opportunity and honestly, I am relieved.  It feels like I have my life back.  I am going through the hoops of finishing up the degree. and I'm... at peace and happy.  I don't think that this is the right reaction but yet, here I am.  Thank you, Jesus.  I prayed for an option and this is the option and I'm so good with it all.

I think for a moment of the people that are disappointed in me.  I'm not so disappointed.  I want to believe that I am where God wants me to be.  I am thankful for His providence.  I look forward to the future and I am hopefully trusting in God.  

There are many changes afoot.  There have been many changes afoot.  It has been a complicated time but I am glad to be out of the tunnel breathing the fresh air again.  I don't have the heaviness of having something beyond my scope weighing me.  Let's be clear, I could have done it.  But I didn't and I'm okay with that.  Praise the Lord!

Monday, August 8, 2022

A Teacher's Prayer

 The other day I was watching a stand up comedian and I looked at my husband and I told him, "I think I can do that."  He told me to sit down.  I mean, I think that I am funny.  I can be funny.  I think I meant to say that in my whiny voice.  Can you hear it if I say, "Think more whiny."  I can be funny.  In my head it came out exactly how I expected.  Maybe I should take his advice and learn to sit down.

I had big dreams.  I have always had big dreams.  I had this sense of who I was.  I still have that confidence in who I am.  I look around the room where I am working.  Well, maybe I can work on a few things.  Here is the thing, if God meant for me to have a different life then, maybe I would have a different life.  I can't tell you how much I have tried to escape teaching and yet here I am... teaching.  "God," I pray. "Really, God?  Is there any way that I could try something else?"  I look around and I try applying for other jobs.  There should be no reason why I don't get another job and yet, I am overlooked.  I pray to God and I can hear that those jobs were not meant for me.  "But, God, I never wanted to teach."  I ran from teaching the way that Jonah ran away from Nineveh.  He spent three days in a whale and still had to go back and prophesy to Nineveh.  God will tell me that it is not about what I want but what He wants.  I should want what he wants.  

This year, I have started embracing teaching in my own way.  I wanted a plant theme and I went out and went crazy getting plants.  I want to teach the students how to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.  Already they are warming up to me.  I bought a shirt that announced to the world that I was a teacher.  I think I have finally embraced my occupation.  I am waving my white flag.  Okay, God, I am a teacher.  I very educated and degreed teacher.  I think that there is a possibility that I can do this job well.  We will soon find out.  

It is the second week of school and already I am tired.  I look forward to cooler days and celebrations.  I look forward to the breaks found throughout the school year.  I look up what this state is willing to do to help teachers make ends meet.  There appears to be a disrespect for teachers as professionals.  It's hard to make a comfortable life.  We need more teachers to help spread the need out.  I talk to kids, I tell them to consider teaching.  They smile.  I can almost see the head shake.  Everyone knows that teachers have a bad deal.  

God, help the teachers this year as they educate and fight for their students.  God open up hearts and mind to receive knowledge.  I pray that parents hear and understand what we are trying to say.  I pray that you help the teacher's heart.  Help them to be strong in a hard job.  Please God, have mercy on our teacher.  


Have you prayed for your children's teachers lately?  I would recommend it.  Ask them how we could be praying for them and then pray for them.  They have your children for a big chunk of the day.  Consider that.  In the meantime, praise the Lord!