Hormone-cidal Rage

Hormones, female hormones have to be an instrument of Satan.  I can totally understand how they can be considered as part of the curse.  You know the curse!  It's the curse of all women for Even eating of the fruit.  You gain knowledge but there's a price.  

Okay, I am peri-menopausal.  I suspected  that I was hormonal at some point today.  I am overwhelmed.  I have things cooking on all fronts.  It's all good and all stressful.  I think you understand how that goes.  I'm not complaining.  I'm in a transitional place.  I have been trying to move out of my comfort zones in order to grow.  Growth can sometimes provide new opportunities and being uncomfortable.  Add some hormones to this mix and there is need of much... cookies.  No, that's not it.  Chocolate, droves of chocolate is what is needed!!!  Yes!!!  No...  Why am I so hungry?  It's like I'm afraid of never eating again.  Feed me carbs and cheese.  Feed me éclairs and some cheese Danish.  I can't even consume gluten.  I do have some Butter Pecan in the freezer... FOCUS!   

There are days that I wish that these hormones would just make me peckish.  There are times when an exhaustion crawls into my bones. I am tired and my bones ache.  Then there are times when there is a sadness, or a heaviness.  Anger is a welcome distraction to the sadness that can come with Pre-menstrual Syndrome or PMS.  I find that there are moments that I'm anxious.  So... what I would recommend is broccoli.  Broccoli is a natural mood-stabilizer.  I recommend taking a walk.  I recommend the best thing of them all.  Do not go to your best friend.  Do not go to your spouse.  Do not vent to a co-worker. Take it all and bring it to Jesus.  Bring it all to Jesus because He cares for you (I Peter 5:7).  

And people who live with people who have hormones?   I would suggest you pray for them too.  They need all of the prayer they can get.  Just... don't tell them that.  You know what?  Don't tell them that I told you to do it.  Just tell Jesus and let Him settle everything.  This way, no one gets hurt.  That's all for now.  Praise the Lord!

Running

 I used to like running.  It started almost a decade ago when my car broke down and I had to take the bus for work.  I had to leave at about 4 am to make it to the closest bus stop for the first in three buses I had to take.  The 40-45 minute trip by car would take hours!  You know I would leave at 4:15am and then I had to hustle for the bus.  Once I got the car fixed, I missed the running.  In the evenings I would carve out time for myself to walk.  One day, I asked myself, "Can you run?"  So I tried it.  I tried it in flip flops not far from my apartment.  I ran. I ran walked all the way back home.  The next day I got dressed to run and it was hard.  I had to learn to just do a slow jog.  Honestly, walking was faster but I told myself that I was doing it.

I have been running off and on for years.  When I go to the gym, it's to run on the treadmill.  But I have not been going often.  You see, I get into my head.  I love to sleep in.  It's one of my favorite things.  If sleeping in was a hobby, I would enter tournaments.  My husband tells me that working out early is better.  I know that he tells me truth but I lie to myself and tell myself that I will go later.  I won't.  I rationalize and make excuses.  Because even though I love running.  I hate getting up.  I have to fight myself to do what is right, regardless of how I feel... because I'm an adult (sometimes).

But those feelings get in the way of everything!  What to do about them?  I tried turning them off but you will emote and the feelings build.  Feelings should be expressed.  Funny enough, running helps with that (If only I can wake up).  In a race, or a bus stop, you aren't thinking about what you feel.  Stop and read that again.  You are thinking about getting to the end.  This brings me to Philippians 3:12-14:

"I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect.  But Christ has taken hold of me.  So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize.  My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived.  But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead.  I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven.  This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done."  

I may not always get up on time and I may not always make time to physically run but I find that it is more important to talk to God.  I like to bring Him all of my emotions and lay them out for Him.  This is what brings me peace.  And then, if there's time, I can go for a run... maybe.  Praise the Lord!!

 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. 13 My friends, I don’t feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. 14 I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done.

Pictures, Music and Remembering

 I'm moving a little slower these days.  There are thank you notes to address and send out.  There are transitions and applications to consider.  I have a list daily of things that I need to do each day.  There are days that I wake up tired.  Today is one of those days. How could I already be tired?  It's the summer time and I'm a teacher.  It's no use telling my body that I'm busy.  My body knows it's summer.  

I was looking at some of the pictures taken by my brilliant friend, Sarai Canada.  Thank you, Sarai!!!  She will tell you that she is not a photographer.  Her and her niece, Zoe did such an incredibly awesome job an I am so thankful.  

I was looking at the pictures and I was thinking of the music that we picked for the day.  Music is something that we don't agree on.  He tolerates my music and I'm okay with his.  Road trips are interesting.  Janet, my daughter, brings her own.  She spends most of our drives disengaged in the back seat slowly becoming deaf.  Geoff knows about my love for Justin Timberlake.  That was a first week topic that we covered shortly after we met.  Might as well get it out of the way.  So, it was not a stretch for me and my people to walk in to the instrumental version of  "Mirrors."  Honestly, it was perfect.  I didn't use anything traditional for any of my weddings.  

We walked out to, "I Need A Girl, Part 2."  It's funny that I saw an IG Reel that featured the song and it brought me back to my wedding day.  We had trouble with that one.  But our first dance was to Juan Luis Guerra's "Burbujas de Amor."  Can I tell you that first dances can be hard?  But I laughed.  He made me laugh so hard as we danced, unpracticed on the makeshift dance floor.  Pictures were taken.  There is proof of my bliss.  

As I think back on how our relationship started and the wedding, I can't believe the year that I have had!  So many wonderful changes, same hot mess coming at you thankful for the grace of God.  I remember this one song that came out when I was in my grief called, "Counting Every Blessing" by Rend Collective.  Each verse ended with "I am blessed beyond all measure."  In my darkest hour, I sang to God.  When there was so much pain and doubt... everywhere for miles.  I tried so hard to look up to where my God had His eyes on me and somehow, some way, I recall saying, even then, that I was blessed beyond all measure.  Guys, God is so good. He is so good to me. Won't you let Him be good to you?  You don't need to hold on to everything.  You can trust that God will help you.  I know.  He not only helped me, He changed my life and He isn't done.  No, it's not all perfect.  But, wow!!!  God is good.  Praise the Lord!!!!

Not My Way

 I think that we can be hyper critical of petulant children we come across in our daily lives.  The other day I was at Kohl's on line attempting to buy something.  A small girl about three years old, escaped her parents and ran to the beginning of the line where the candy was and was crying and angry.  She yelled at her flustered parent that she wanted the candy and the toys that were left there when her parents said that she couldn't have them.  I stood there surprised.  In my heart, I thought immediately, "Well, I would have..."  My husband interrupted my thoughts.  He mentioned how the poor girl must be tired and cranky.  Clearly he has more grace than I do.  

There are all these changes afoot.  Some of them are uncomfortable and I feel like they are happening in ways I didn't anticipate.   They are not the way that I wanted.  I am not getting my way.  I feel the petulant child within me start to rail.  As a child, I was pleasing and sweet.  My aunts will tell you that I was not  prone to tantrums.  It is now that I am clearly at mid-life that I want to throw myself down on the floor and yell.  I was to kick my heals and fight to get my way.  Such pride!!!  It is frustrating and I want to sit down and cry.  I'm not crying but I want to and I may have.  

These are hard things to admit.  I have to get another document.  I have to wait a few more days.  I have to fill out applications.  I have to answer calls and review documents and I need to do research and make phone calls.  I need to schedule appointments and pay things.  I need to track things.  I tell my children, don't be in a rush to grow up.  They tell me that they won't.  But it doesn't matter.  Time goes by and continues whether we are ready for it or not.  

What to do?  Pray.  It is a suggestion, a comment, advice, a command.  Just do it.  Just pray.  Prayer gets me out of my own way and into God's way.  He knows what He is doing and I have to trust Him, I should trust Him despite what I feel.  I am reminded of a verse in a card I received recently from my dear friend, Sarah.  Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."  What a powerful promise!!!  

I know that there are days I will not do the right thing.  I will complain and whine.  I will yell and stomp my feet.  There will be tears.  And after my tantrums, I will drag myself before the throne of God and seek forgiveness, solace, peace, strength and answers.  I'm reading through Proverbs and I am finding that there is a lot of wisdom there.  LOL!!!  I don't know about you but being human can be hard and other humans can be really hard.  When you are tired of dealing with other humans, including yourself, call on God.  He is the one who made us so I think He may understand us best.  Praise the Lord!!!

Early Morning

 I have never been a morning person.  Today I awoke early.  I have been waking up earlier than I had in most of my life.  I had heard that morning people are different and I wanted to see what all of the hoopla is about.  Maybe I was awoken by a yappy little dog having a nightmare and I didn't really fall back to sleep (This is the more honest reason).  Whatever the case, I find myself awake early.  

There is a stillness and a quiet to the house and there is peace.  I have all of my thoughts before me.  These are busy days for me.  I have a moment now to consider things.  I have a moment now to reflect upon how sweetly the morning light peeks through my bedroom window.  I will tell you my thoughts.  They are, "Thank You, Lord."  

This is the moment of potential and possibility.  This is the moment when we hope how our day will turn out.  Most of the time we are on automatic already behind on time so we don't have a moment.  We spend the day trying to make up time.  Time to catch up on things.  Time to do what we must.  Time to prepare for tomorrow so that we can have a little more time, for our families, for our friends, for our community, for ourselves.  Our prayers are rushed as we ask and thank and praise all in one breath.  This morning, I can just sit and be a daughter and be thankful and praise my blessed Father in heaven, the Creator of all things that I have this moment.  When I think of the upcoming day it is with a lens of grace.  Maybe there is something to this waking up early after all!

I can't promise that this will happen again.  I don't know if tomorrow I will awake and find myself a moment again.  But today I consider Lamentations 3:22-23: 

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness."  

Such a hopeful and wonderful reminder coming from a book in the Bible called Lamentations!!  Maybe I need to wake up early to greet God's new love and mercies that come each day.  Maybe... but for right now, Praise the Lord!

The Little Things

 There are a hundred little things that swirl around me at any given time.  I find that I am making lists in different places and hoping I don't forget it all.  I wanted changes.  I signed up for them the way that someone signs up for all of the bids in a silent auction hoping for one or two, but not all of them... not all at the same time.  Here's the thing.  I knew about it.  I was hoping that things would be scattered, and some of it has been, but for the most part, a lot of it is just happening.  

What am I changing?  I'm changing my name.  I'm changing my health.  I'm changing my domicile around to accommodate our newest member and his cat.  I'm changing my claim to the knowledge I have obtained.  These bigger changes are leading to the smaller things.  The little things that make up our lives.

I am not trying to be too busy not to pray.  I am not trying to be too busy not to be in the word.  I'm busy doing a lot of little things but I am hoping to be found in prayer and in meditation of the Word of God.  I'm not competent enough to do it all by myself.  I need my God with me all the time.  When I read, "pray without ceasing"  I'm thankful and not overloaded.  I can't even imagine checking in with a friend or relative the way I check in with God, constantly.  There's like an on-going monologue of prayer to Him on most of these days.  How do you deal with your anxiety?  Prayer.  Jesus.  What are some of your coping skills?  Prayer. Jesus.  Reading the Word because the Bible will tell me what to do.  Friends, walk with me in my life.  I definitely don't have it all together but I am thankful to serve a God that does.  How hard is it to say, "I will trust in God." and actually do it?  So hard, Friends, but worth it.  

I am going to miss things.  I am going to miss the boat completely on some things.  If I have done it with you, forgive me.  I'm not perfect but God is and I'm so grateful for that.  Praise the Lord!