On the Verge of Doing or Not Doing

I think that all of us has been faced with hard things, things that make us question if the better thing would be to leave.  You should know that I am not one of those people.  Usually when presented with something difficult, I am the one that says, "Let's keep on going."  When the pain is too great I am the one who says, "Praise You, Jesus because I know that you are with me."  That is unless I have a charlie horse, then I'm cursing up a blue streak.  Or if I forget that I have a small cut on my hand and I put on hand sanitizer; that's the devil riling me up.

Okay, in any case, this year has been a rough year.  I have been working and struggling with the completion of a very personal goal.  I promise I'll share about it soon.  I was contemplating giving up.  I asked myself, "Who would you be if you just gave up?  What would it mean?  How would you handle it?"  And honestly, it didn't feel good.  I talked about it with God and I really wanted to hear what He had to say about the matter.  I talked to my husband and I then brought the issue around to my children.  They have to live with their mother failing too.

My kids are so loving and supportive but it was my daughter who called me to task and let me know that I am not a quitter and that she knew that I could accomplish this goal.  I guess you could say that this is what I needed in order to face my Goliath with some stones, borrowed from my little girl.  

But being in this place leaves you paralyzed and scared.  I was simultaneously ashamed and weakened by the prospect of failing.  And here is the thing, I may still fail.  It is not done.  I understand now why God states that the end of something is better than the beginning (Ecclesiastes 7:8). How many people are stuck in a shame pattern due to the inability either physicially, emotionally or mentally, to finish a goal?  I understand that.  I mean, not everyone has someone in their corner.  Not everyone has the assurances of God in their lives.  

Here is what I want you to do.  Be kind to people.  Pray for them as the smallest act.  Because there are people who have spent their whole lives in the year that I have had and I can't even imagine.  

And if you are one of these people, just know that I am praying for you right now, Dear Reader, that the Lord unfreeze you and that you have faith in God to move on or away from this thing that has a hold of you.  You are loved.  Praise God!  That's all.

Hedging Bets

 From what I understand, hedging a bet is betting on two sides at once to guarantee some sort of win.  From a religious standpoint, it is a big no no as the children of Israel had not problems doing this with God and with the idols they have been punished for.  It's like those people who wear a cross and carry a lucky rabbit's foot around.  

Well... in a sense, I have been hedging my bets when it comes to my life.  I feel like these days, I'm in a Sliding Doors situation where if I go one way, I'll have one kind of life and if I go another way, I will have another kind of life.  So, the only thing to do is to pray about it all.  I'm so distracted, even my prayers have been disjointed and unorganized.  As I look around my home, there is detritus of my indecision everywhere.  I'm living two halves of a life and it shows.  

At night as I lay in bed, I thank God.  "Thank you, Lord Jesus for this day that you have given me."  I do this because I have no idea what my next day will be.  Even now, today, I had banked on having time off before I start school and now I have been told that I have trainings.  Already my days are filled.  Did I do everything that I wanted to do prior to starting school?  No!  It is a resounding no!

So, I am trying to lean, not on myself, not on what I think I know or on any other subsequent idol like technology.  I am fervently trying to lean on God.  I understand that this is a messy time in my life.  I am all discombobulated vehemently.  I don't have an idea of what to do next year but I know that God knows and that just has to be enough for me.  This is the hard part, right?  This is the part that has me relooking at dates and times to make sure that I am enough to remember.  When do the kids have what meeting?  What appointments have I lined up?  I mean, it wouldn't hurt to get an app to help but ultimately, I am leaning on God to guide me.  Praise the Lord!  

In The Wrong

About two weeks ago, I was in a small car accident.  It was more like a car incident.  In any case, I reported it to my insurance and I called the other cars insurance to see if I can get my very minor damages covered.  The whole situation was not as black and white as I would have liked it to be but in talking with my husband, he said not to be surprised if I was found liable.  In other words, there was a possibility that I would be found in the wrong.  I fought this label very hard.  I was not in the wrong!!!  I mean there I was driving my car, minding my business, trying to get home and CRASH!  There was other things that didn't feel right either.  Again, the purpose of this post is not to get people on my side but to explore this process that I went through.  

I recently heard back from the insurance company and they deemed me, "in the wrong."  I'm still fighting it.  This whole thing has made me feel very insecure about my driving and my capabilities.  I feel that I am a very capable driver so it is hard for me to accept, if possible, user error.  Why do I fight this so hard?  Am I so good that I can't be deemed in the wrong?  I can tell you that I know me and I'm not so right.  In fact, there is nothing really about me that is in the right... except Jesus.  

Romans 3:10 tells us that there is none righteous.  Yes, I said it right, not a one.  God is the one who redeems us and makes us righteous.  After being in my ego for a while and having to confront my... what is it called again?  Humanity, having to confront my humanity.  I now have a lot of things to talk myself into: getting my mind ready to start work again; summer cleaning the house and working on things that should have been done but are not.  What are those things?  I don't really want to talk about it because there is a possibility I may not be able to complete a goal.  My fragile ego is taking some blows but God is with me and He makes me righteous.  I need to trust in God.  

Confession is good for the soul.  As I get ready to go and do things that need to be done, what do you need to talk to yourself about?  I can't be the only one, can I?  In any case, even if I am, praise the Lord!