Thursday, June 20, 2019

Aspirations of a Hot Mess

Let me be clear on something.  I have always been a hot mess.  As I look back in my history I try to determine when it started.  I look at pictures.  I think I had it there for a minute.  Then my mother died, when I was 10 years old.  It was a weird age.  I remember trying to hide it.  I was ashamed of not having a clue what to do.  "How are you doing?"  people would ask with the pity look.  What am I supposed to say?  "My world is crumbing into a darkness of pain so sharp it takes my breath away.  Thanks for asking."  I look at my kids now.  I know what it is like to lose a parent at their age.  I look for signs of crumbling.  It makes me thankful that I have this experience, for their sakes.

I want to compare my hot mess with other hot messes out in the world.  I want to know that my hot mess is not as bad as others.  I know that this does not make me a good person.  I know that I am not a good person.  I understand that I need Jesus.  Pray for me.  Back to my sin nature though, I observe and listen (maybe gossip).  It's so bad!  When I hear of some craziness, even in the world of entertainment, my response is glee!!!  I mean, how evil am I!!!  Why?  Because someone's hot mess is greater than mine.  I am not the worst of the worst!  This is what I tell myself.  I'm still a hot mess though.

And let me tell you, dating is not making it better!  Let me ask you, how do you sell being a hot mess?  "Hey, my name is Elle.  I'm a hot mess.  If we are being technical, I'm a hot mess on toast.  Want to go out for coffee?"  Do guys want to hear that?  Then, I find myself being judgmental because I don't want someone who is a hot mess to add to my hot mess.  You know what I mean?  Honestly, I have no idea what guys want to hear.  You know, they see your picture.  They read your profile.  They reach out. "Hey, how are you?"  I don't know what to say!!!  "I'm a widow.  Yeah, it sucks.  I have two children dealing with not only the death of their father but with their hormones.  Me too, maybe I'm a little peri-menopausal-ish, so I'm kind of prone to crying for apparently no reason at all.  It's a lot of fun.  I have this renovation that I started but don't know how to finish.  I am in school for a degree that I don't know if I can finish and I'm a teacher, so you know what that means?  I'm broke."  LOL!!!

But God...  Praise the Lord!!!  I was reading Psalms today, 55-57.  He is our shelter.  He is on our side.  He is our refuge.  The Word told me to cast my burdens on Him.  God counts every wandering and every tear He bottles. So I sat and talked with God.  I cried it all out to Him.  How could I not follow Jesus?  He takes the mess and He makes it something else.  He makes it something so incredibly beautiful.  Suddenly, everything has potential.  I have potential.

I make it clear that I'm a hot mess.  I think it is important to own the parts of you that is hot mess.  Right?  I was in Women's Bible Study so convicted that I'm sinful and not good all of the time.  But we recalibrate when we come to church and study the Bible and pray to God.  My friend, Carmen was saying that just because we are a hot mess doesn't mean that we should stay a hot mess and wallow in the world of waste.  I call this the Mega Mind phenomenon.  You know the movie, Mega Mind was a bad guy.  He got the label as a little kid so he was going to be the best bad guy he could be.  He was owning the bad guy label, until he realized that he was more than that.  Same goes for hot messes.  I have slapped the label on but I don't have to work at being the best hot mess I can be.  This hot mess has aspirations of going home and being perfected.  This hot mess would like nothing more than for God to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant.  Well done." 

So my prayer is to hold on to Jesus.  My prayer is to trust in God because He will sustain me and hide me.  Those of you who are hot messes like me, just bring all your messes to God like you would your junk to Goodwill.  Somehow He uses it.  Marie Kondo not just your closet but your life (funny enough, I'm not a big Marie Kondo fan but the reference works here).  That's all for now.  I'm still under construction.  I'll let you know how it goes.

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