Saturday, June 8, 2019

Be Ugly

I love the Guardians of the Galaxy.  I'm a huge Marvel fan.  Groot may be my spirit animal.  Well, my spirit Avenger at the very least.  So, when Drax is talking to Mantis and he tells her she is horrifying to look at, she turns sad, but then he says something that I have thought about often.  I think that you may have thought of it too.  He says, "When you are ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are.  Beautiful people never know who to trust."  What!!!  I remember seeing this in the movie and thinking, "Wait. What?"  It is such a profound statement.

I remember being a teenager in junior year and I wanted nothing more but to be thin.  I went on this diet and lost a lot of weight.  That year, I failed Mr. Costello's history class and I had to go to summer school.  I'm glad that I wasn't the only one.  This summer, I went to Roosevelt High School to make up this horrible class.  By the way, my failing score was only by one point.  In any case, I remember going that first day with a pink t-shirt crop top and a pinstripe denim mini skirt.  That day, I met Tito.  Tito has captain of the handball team at Clinton High School.  He had blonde curly hair and that Puerto Rican golden skin.  He was my summer boyfriend that year.  It was a good summer but there were times when he had no idea what I was talking about.  I have always been a reader and I tried to talk to him about the books I was reading and the movies that I enjoyed.  He was pretty to look at.  I kept on thinking if I hadn't lost the weight, would he have talked to me that day...

Today.  Right now.  I think about eating nothing but vegetables and chicken for the remainder of my days; Even as I have some gluten free cake that I made in the fridge.  I have sworn off sugar in my coffee and the other day I was telling my daughter, "Maybe I should give up coffee."  She asked me who I was and if I had seen her mother.   Here's the thing.  I'll drink the coffee but it doesn't give me the same joy as it used to.  I love pizza.  I love cheese.  I like to buy DiGiorno's gluten free thin crust and put broccoli and spinach with a little more mozzarella and garlic.  I eat it with the crust just the tiniest bit burnt.  It's so good I want to cry.  It makes me so happy some days.

I look down at my chunky legs.  I look at my flabby arms and my graying hair.   There are days when I see the aging in my face.  I see the parts of my personality that can be selfish and mean.  I am an imperfect human.  I have a lot of stuff going on.  Some of it is good and some of it is bad.  What I want is to sit and be ugly and still be loved for who I am.  Doesn't everyone?  I want to be seen, really seen!!!

I think of my mother.  I can not think of my mother as anything but the most beautiful human I have ever met.  Was she pretty?  Was she thin?  Was she perfect?  You see.  She was perfect to me.  I could not see her without love goggles on even if I tried.  I don't know if she was pretty, thin or perfect and I don't care.  This is how I want to be loved.  Here's the kicker.  I am loved this way.  My children are loved this way.  God loves us this way.  So... I'm okay being ugly.  I'm okay showing my face as I have just woken up with my favorite pajama on.  I know that the people that love me really don't care if I'm pretty or not.  They love me for me.  So, be ugly and be loved.

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