Sunday, January 19, 2025

A Birthday and a Funeral

I had a conversation today with a woman who was slightly older than me.  The topic of our conversation?  Menopause.  When did I become menopausal?  I feel like just yesterday I was graduating from high school.  I was hoping to fall in love.  I wondered who I would marry.  Yesterday, we celebrated my daughter's 17th birthday.  17 is a number that I look upon favorably.  It's a number that pops up and I become happy.  I don't want to call it my lucky number because the only year that I have lived through that had a 17 was the second worst year of my life.  However, I want to feel optimistic now that my baby girl has made it to this incredible age.

This is her last year before she becomes an adult.  It's times like these that I envy those who have five or six children.  I have 364 days before I become the mother of adults.  Why does this hurt so much?  It makes me want to start a support group: Mothers of Adult Children.  I look at my beautiful baby girl and I wonder how many moments I have left with her being a kid.  I'm counting them out.  I'm taking pictures.  I am taking advice from my friend; Benito and I'm taking all of the pictures I can.  I collect souvenirs to remind myself of how I had babies once.  What did parents do before Facebook memories?  Pictures pop up and make me remember and I am so thankful for all of it.  

Not long ago, a friend of mine passed away.  Her funeral is coming up mid-February.  I am not so sure that I can go.  I miss my friend dearly.  I remember the conversations that we have had.  Honestly, I can't believe that she is gone.  

All of this is making me face the shortness of life.  It goes by unbelievably fast.  Ferris Bueller was right.  If we don't stop and look around, we may miss it all.  Are you spending more time being thankful or do you spend your time complaining?  Are you allowing yourself to be someone who is loveable?  We all want to be loved when we are at our worst.  What if we don't allow ourselves to be our worst?  What if we make ourselves be the people that people want to love?  Not that we aren't already.  Seeing my life through my daughter and my friend.  I am thankful to God to have allowed me such a life.  It has been scary and hard but He has been with me every second of every day.  I have never felt alone.  So my prayer is to live this life that God has given me. I want to make sure that the time I have left is in giving and living a big life.  Whatever dreams I have left, I need to pray them.  I need to try and when I die, when and not if, I will die trying to do the best that I can.  As always, praise the Lord!

Monday, January 6, 2025

Just Write

 I fear that I am the kind of person who doesn't always finish things. I am very stubborn.  I find that I can be very capable, but I can be inconsistent.  I, like many other humans, tend to overthink things.  I have a value for words, and I believe that there is a power in the ability to communicate and communicate well.  The person who has a silver tongue is a person with a truly valuable skill.

I had to look into the mirror recently and I had to call myself a name I am not sure that I have earned.  I had to call myself... a storyteller.  I am a storyteller teacher.  I have lived stories and I have heard stories.  I believe in the power of stories so to call myself a storyteller is a self-possessed title I am not sure that I am worthy of.  After all the history of the world began with the noble title of storyteller. 

And so... when I have the keyboard and the blank page before me, it is with trepidation that I start typing.  There are days when I wonder when the words will come from and then they appear as if from the sky.  There are words that when I read them back, I wonder if it was me or if I'm just a conduit.  Honestly, sometimes it is when I'm not even trying that I find that it is easier to write.  Either way, I am convincing myself to stop being in my own head and just write.  Am I worthy?  I tell you clearly that I am not but write I must anyway.  It is with thankfulness that I hear the melody that is my fingers hitting the keys.  It is with the most grateful heart that I write that which is written in my head, on my heart.  Maybe being worthy doesn't come into it at all.  Maybe this writing business has more to do with listening to the Creator of all things and being a mirror image of Him by writing.  I am but an instrument.  I then should be the instrument.  I mean, a piano has no problem being a piano.  It stands waiting for the music to pour forth through it.  Likewise, as an instrument, I will wait until the artistry of God pours forth through me in my very human hands.  

So then, not to write would be in this instance, an act of disobedience and a waste of potential which is such a horrendous sin.  Imagine the singer that does not sing because they are shy, and he or she denies the world of its brilliant voice because of his or her self-consciousness.  Is this an act of ego that holds someone back from doing something good and noble?  There is every possibility that this is all in my head and if it is then I am just a mad woman writing about nothing.  Either way, my writing, does no harm.  And so, I will do what I am called to do, and I will continue to just write.  Either way, praise the Lord!

Sunday, January 5, 2025

Happy New Year Writing

 I have a thing with resolutions.  Last year, none of my family made any resolutions. I made one and failed at it almost immediately.  I spoke about it in the last post but, to be fair, my foot went down one whole shoe size!!!  Of course I needed more shoes!  How was I going to make it with just a few pairs of shoes?  We went hiking and my hiking boots were way too big.  I bought new ones and then I bought a few more pairs of shoes.  It wasn't my fault that I walked through Dillard's when the Clearance shoes was 70% off.

In any case, I made no resolutions.  I am on a weight loss journey, and I am down 70 pounds in 2 short years.  I think that's good, but the struggle has been real!  I will continue with my journey and I'm excited where it will take me.  Last year I had not been reading and I set aside the last year to read and get more into the trending books.  I fell back in love with words.  I love the sound of the keyboard.  I have been trying to get into some stories, and I have been writing more.  I recently remembered a story that happened in 2002, and I had to write it down.  Who knows if I would even remember in a few years what happened in the story.  I need to write while the memories are fresh, and I am in a disposition to write.  

I'm going to tell you that writing give me hope.  I love the idea of having stories and a part of me that lasts beyond my life on this earth.  I realize that my story is not about me but about Jesus.  However, I also believe that the Lord leads us to what He wants us to do with this wonderful life that he has given us.  For this reason, I'm blogging again.  I know that blogging is not the way to go.  I blog for myself.  I blog because I am called to write.  So here I am following the storytelling road and praying that the Lord helps me to write the stories He wants people to hear.  With this in mind, I tell you all, Praise the Lord!!!

Thursday, January 2, 2025

The Old Things

 It's the brand-new year and OF COURSE, I'm being reflective about it.  It's so strange the things we end up thinking about. I found myself thinking about the new things that I wanted to surround myself.  Thinking about new habits, new things, new customs.   You know what they say, "Out with the old, in with the new."  As I think about the ecological issues this world is facing with garbage and recycling (this is a post all on its own), I wonder about the actions that I can do both small and big.

My most recent thoughts are not that deep.  I have been using a purse that my late husband bought me a while ago.  Now, if you know me, you know that I have a problem with purses and shoes, but I have been getting better.  This past year, I have only bought like 5 pairs of shoes and for the most part, I had to buy shoes because my foot went down one whole size (I'm so happy about this!).  When I took this particular purse out of the closet, I told myself that I need to use things.  The fact of the matter is that I want to use the things that I own.  I don't want to leave them all in the closet gathering dust.  I think that Santi would want me to use this purse.  Now, I'm looking at this beautiful purse with its leather finishes and its vibrant colors and I see that I have been putting wear and tear on this purse.  I'm not planning on getting rid of the purse yet but the question that inevitably comes up is, "What will I do with it once it's time to change it out?"  I mean, this is a gift.  It was given to me to commemorate a special occasion in our lives.  I am really fond of this purse.  Do I stop using it and put it away to collect dust?  Do I leave it somewhere?  Do I sell it?  Do I use it until it falls apart?  Here is the truth of the matter.  I don't know what to do with it.  If it was a purse that I bought, or that didn't matter that much to me, I would give it away.  I can't seem to do this with this old thing at this time.  

Here is what I need to keep in mind.  God is in control and no matter what, God is what I should be spending my time on.  I tend to spend massive amounts of mental energy on things that don't matter.  I mean, maybe things matter but they don't matter more than God.  I have to just figure out what to do with the purse and maybe just use it until I can't use it anymore because it's a reminder to keep going.  It's a reminder that I was loved by someone who is no longer here, on this plain anymore. Maybe just maybe, I will know what to do with it when that time comes.  But this coming year, I need to focus on things that matter more than on things that don't matter. For that, praise the Lord!