Pray for my shallow heart, my friends. This is the heart issue that I am uncovering through this journey. Everything I complain about, I am. Yes, I am. I would like to be seen and admired but I don't want to do that for someone else unless they are in my demented vision, attractive. I thought I was better than this. I thought I had the ability to see people for who they were. I am not. I don't. Is this too honest? I mean, what does it mean to live in community if we aren't honest with ourselves. There are days that I forget that I deserve death on a cross. I feel that this flesh is always warring with its ego.
I find that I am unkind in my assessment of people. What do I think I want? There is something that I am not articulating that has to do with self-assessment. I have asked before when I see the guys that reach out to me, these poor souls that don't know that all I have for them is my disdain, are these the guys that I attract? You see, I thought I was attractive and fun. In looking in the mirror, I see symmetry to my face and if not beauty than a pleasing look. I thought I was funny and sweet in a sour, cynical, sarcastic way that was appreciated and not looked on as being mean. My current self-assessment is this: I'm not that cute.
So I am currently going through some of the poor guys I have had some conversations with who liked me. Do I really mind if they are shorter than me or my height? So what if they have more wrinkles than a Shar-Pei, right? Does it really matter if they resemble the Stay Pufft Man? What about their beautiful souls? You know even as I'm writing this paragraph, I can feel my face wrinkle up in an expression of what I can only describe as disgust mixed with a "Please no." Maybe my prayer shall be for God to work on my shallow heart so that I can see people for who they are and not exactly what they look like. I mean I do this when I'm not looking for a mate, I think I can make the transition.
And no, there is no rush. I'm not even sure that I'm looking for a mate but a best friend. Most of my friends are married with children. So, collaborating with them to go out and just hang is like a Mission to Mars. A month in advance we are planning and coordinating. With single friends, it's easier because there is more flexibility. The problem is that your single friends meet people and then the cycle begins again. Imagine hanging out with a buddy. That person you call when you need some reassurance. Isn't that how it begins? Isn't that wonderful? When you get to unfold a person and see who they are underneath. I just want to meet people and see the interesting origami that we present and maybe I'll meet someone who I can hang out with. Someone who will come to the gym with me and try the cross fit class as well as Zumba. Someone who will hike a mountain with me (not in the summer and not at the crack of dawn) and who will wait till I slowly climb up and slowly make my way down. Imagine someone to go on roadtrips with where you aren't the only one driving. Listening to 80s songs and Colbie Caillat in the sunshine while letting the breeze blow through your hair. Someone to text good morning to and if there is something going on you can tell them, "Pray for me." All of a sudden, I am missing my best friend. I know that I will not find another like him. We spoke the same crazy language. I can't believe I have to do this without him. He would tell me to be shallow.