Thursday, October 28, 2021

A Prayer for Bad Days

 Today was a very bad day.  It was the kind of day that stays with you and makes you question what you are doing in life and if you are doing life right.  Let me unpack it all for you.  I am working on my last degree.  I'm getting ready to finish it all.  I left the job I was at in part because I wanted to have time for my family and this degree.  I took a temporary job that was close to home.  I did this so I could have less stress and more time.  I have more time because I can only work 40 hours a week, no more.  This works in my favor.  What doesn't work in my favor is that there is a teacher shortage in Arizona with a very specific need of special education teachers.  

Now, I like teaching well enough but let's face it.  You need to have a little (or a lot) of something in order to teach specialized instruction.  Whatever that is, I wonder if I have any more of it left after teaching for 16 years.  I'm tired.  You may even say that I'm burning out.  What does a once teacher do when they burn out?  Do you think I could become a character actress or a rockstar?  I'm contemplating a life doing social media.  I mean, I sort of have my brand...  I don't know.  I'm tired for sure.

Today was a bad day but it's not a bad life.  I saw the house on a walk-through today and it's really nice and it makes me happy.  Yesterday was the wedding anniversary of my first marriage and my mother's death day/  I don't even think I was in the frame of mind to post anything at all.  It was a busy tiring day and I basked in it.  At some point, I let myself remember and there was a wave of sadness, but that was all, a wave to remember them by.  

These bad moments I pull out and bring to Jesus.  These bad moments that tend to fester and bother, I like to pray about.  Jesus has a way of protecting me, of protecting us.  I am so sure of this.  It is littered all over the Bible.  I honestly think that we don't give God enough credit.  He is an all powerful, all-knowing, all-present being.  Our minds can not fathom the width and breadth of God.  Why do we, why do I insist on putting Him in a box and limiting Him in my world?  My humanity is stupid... stupid and sinful.  I may need to pray for a little wisdom every once in a while.  You see, only God can give wisdom and you need to ask for it.  That may answer some of the questions you have about the world around you and why things are the way they are.   

I'll even be bold enough to say my prayer right here.  If you need this prayer, go ahead and take it:

Dear God,

Today I had a bad day.  I'm not a fan of bad days but I know that You are with me when I have them.  God I pray that you give me wisdom.  I would like some wisdom to know your plan for me.  I would like Your wisdom in order to make decisions.  I would like wisdom to help with all the saltiness I tend to accumulate throughout my days.  I love You, God.  Help me to overcome this humanly struggles.  Please forgive me.  


That's all.  God is good.  Praise the Lord!

Monday, October 25, 2021

Shedding Layers

 I know that I shouldn't be blogging but there has just been so much going on recently.  I am working on completing things.  I am happy to report that things are falling into place.  And as they are changing, I realize that inevitably, I must change as well.

What did I want to do in this life?  I am finding as I round the corner to a milestone birthday that dreams should be lived.  You should definitely take chances in this short life.  I think of that line in Isaiah about old man dreaming dreams.  I am like one of these old men.  I am dreaming dreams.

I know that these posts can be vague.  Honestly, I would love to spill everything right here in black and white.  I honestly don't have the energy to write about it all.  God is good to me.  I really and truly can not believe the way that He has provided for me and for my family.  To God be all glory!!!

I owe a debt of gratitude to my friends who are more like family and who work in realty.  These angels know who they are.  I am not sure that I am at a place to shout them out but a shout out they deserve.  But I will save acknowledgements for another day.

I left a good job that I was adequate at and that I was at for 10 years to become a contracted worker.  I am a essentially a temporary teacher working for a district.  I don't know how I feel about this job.  It kind of fell in my lap and I went with it because at there time there was nothing else I was prepared to do.  I get asked why I left.  I guess you could say that I felt that I couldn't do the work there any more.  It was time to move on.  

But just because I'm a temp worker doesn't really mean that I am treated as a temp.  I try to explain to one of the people there that I am not doing more than what I am being paid for and she seems to think that I should.  Hmmm....  It makes me thankful that I am temporary.  Here's a note of advice: "Don't push someone who doesn't need to be there."  I don't know who needed to hear that but there it goes.  

I will tell you that I stand outside and I listen to the song of the trees as the winds blow through them.  I continue to step on super crunchy leaves, excited to hear their crunch under my sneakers.  In the morning I like to tell everyone, "Good morning."  Every now and again I am matched in my enthusiam.  I am glad when the rich, green grass gets cut.  I can usually do my steps in a day.  I can tell you that what I feel the most is gratitude.

I am moving.  I have flashbacks of living my life in this old house with my late husband.  I find that I miss him.  If I am still enough, I can almost hear him.  As I go through things, I find his memories there.  I look at the pictures with his smiling round face.  I think he was happy sometimes.  I hope he was happy sometimes.  I know he is happier now.  This makes me the happiest.  

There is no guilt.  There is no confusion.  I loved someone.  In fact, there is not anything wrong with saying that I still love him.  He is not here though.  He has moved on and I had to move on too.  My new husband is not the same.  I am not the same kind of wife.  It is different.  This is a different time in my life.  I think my family is progressing because of Christ, not because of me.  If I have anything to do with it, I would say it is because I love Christ.  

As I prepare to move, I am shedding layers.  I am streamlining my property.  Somehow, I am changing.  My prayer is to change in a way that glorifies Christ.  Let's see what happens.  

In the meantime, say a prayer for my family and the transition and take a moment to just thank God if you are so inclined.  Praise the Lord!