It is only now that I am considering some of my very bad habits. In my last post, I wrote about my weight loss journey and this whole thing has me rethinking about what is important to me, what is important in my life. For years, I have thought about the things that I wanted. It is hard to write the hard things. I initially set up this blog as therapy, and in order for therapy to be successful, I have to talk/write about the hard things. As a girl and as a young adult, I wanted to be thin, thin and not healthy. I wanted nice things because I thought that the nice things were indicative of a nice life. Now, I just want a nice life and there is no need for evidence. I am not living for other people. I live not even for myself. I am living for God.
I am a shop-o-holic. I remember going to stores with my parents and I would ask for a small thing. I knew I would get it if it were small. I loved my tiny treasures that I had no real need for. This is when it started. My mother would buy me shoes despite the fact that every day I wore uniform shoes. I loved when my father would take me shopping for an event. Like now, we would get a complete outfit for events like Easter or Christmas. This meant: dress, shoes, hosiery, purse, accessories. It was a big deal for someone who wore a uniform for the majority of her life. The other day I was talking to my daughter, and I mentioned Easter outfits. She reminded me that Easter was not about the outfits. This economy does not allow for a lot of shopping. As I look around, I find that I may have too much and it is time that I scale back. I wonder how much I have spent on trinkets.
Online shopping is the worst. I feel like I hit that "Buy now" button with no remorse. Later, after the euphoria of tracking my package and having it arrive, I think about the wisdom of buying frivolities. They are so cute, and I love the high of saving had I bought the item someplace else. At least when I was in a store, I had a strategy. I would walk around looking at everything. Processing everything that was there. I would get a cart and walk around with things and then slowly put them back and leave without a thing. Harder to do online than in person.
Who is God? What is His character like? I find myself reprioritizing. I'm trying to lose weight, and it is hard. It is hard being hungry with Doritos in the pantry at night. Even now, I hear them call to me. It is almost like I can taste them. I get sleepy hungry. The other night I was half asleep and I ate my heart's content. The next day I felt super heavy and sluggish. I drink tea. I drink more water. There is no eating while on the fast. The intermittent fasting works. I visualize myself thinner but no matter what I think I will look like; it will not be like the actuality of the matter.
God reminds me in Matthew 6. The Word admonishes me to not worry about anything. The penultimate verse in the chapter states, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." God reminds us in the next verse, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." The truth of the matter is that I am worried. I do get anxious. My bad habits are evidence of my not trusting in God. I will continue to pray for further introspection. Until then, praise God!
