Thursday, June 6, 2019

The Dating Profile

I am cracking up right now.  You know how government agencies have national reporting systems for people who are suspicious or whatever.  Well, I think that these dating sites should have something like that for me.  How in the world are you supposed to fill out a dating profile?  I want to write:

  • Don't be a loser.
  • Don't smell.
  • Smile at least in one of your pictures.
  • Don't be one of those crazy nervous sweaters.
  • Look like your profile.
This is just to start.  

I want to write crazy stuff on my profiles.  I have two going on right now.  I'm telling you that this is an experiment.  I don't know if I will meet anyone but I think I'm going to have a lot of fun, I'm going to get some attention and I'm going to meet some great people.  I'll try it for a couple of months and then I'm taking up judo, writing a novel, becoming a yogi or something more worthwhile. 

Back to the dating sites and profiles.  It's really hard to talk about yourself.  What do I like to do in my free time?  I like to read, play Candy Crush Saga and sleep in my free time.  Who are the people you text the most?  I have three but we don't really text.  With two of them, I reach out to the every day... in a battle of wills that is Words with Friends.  That's how I know they love me and that they are alive.  The other, I exchange crazy and inappropriate memes we find on social media to each other because apparently, we are the only ones that understand each other.   

What's my ideal date?  You see this is a very hard question!!!  We are talking IDEAL date!!!  I'm thinking total comfort.  Sleepwear, pillows and a drama.  When I say sleepwear, I'm talking about my comfiest pajamas, no make up, hair in a braid and I'm not even looking to see if there are flyaways, because they are there.  You would not believe how high up my flyaways are when I wake up.  Pillows to support my back and put my feet up and drama- I like Downton Abbey.  You want to watch it with me while feeding me Doritos and ice cream?

On my profile, I feel like I'm nice but I'm not really a nice person.  I mean, I have an edge.  I don't like manicures.  I like painting my nails and hair weird colors.  I dress in things that make me feel comfortable.  I don't always care if I look pretty.  In fact, get used to me not being pretty because who cares if I'm pretty if I have a good heart.  About my heart... I'm sarcastic and honest.  I have a quick temper.  I hate people who are inconsiderate.  I don't know how to decorate, or fix things.  I would die first in the zombie apocalypse.  I love kids but I'm not having any more.  I love to hug.  I'm loyal to a fault.  When I'm sad, I praise God.  When I'm happy, I praise God.  I can not make one move without Him.  Yes, I'm one of those.  I love to dance and listen to music with rhythms and a beat.  I love to laugh.  I love it.  I'm not afraid to cry. I like to listen to people.  I like to meet people but I like to see the whole person so big parties get me overwhelmed.  At parties, I stick to one or two people.  I am polite and will say hi but I stick to my base. I'm called Spicy.  People think that's a good thing.  It's not a good thing.  I'm sassy.  There's an edge to me.    

What do I want?  You see.  Dating is like shopping and you don't really know what you love until you love it.  I'll give you a couple of examples.  When I was a little girl, my mother took me ice skating for the first time.  It was in Riverdale.  I had this idea I wanted to be the Puerto Rican Peggy Fleming.  So my mom bought me skates and took me.  I was not gifted at the ice skating.  I spent most of the time on the floor.  I fell so many times, my pants were soaked through.  My mom took me to this store and bought me this skirt on clearance just so I didn't have to wear the wet pants.  That skirt became my favorite skirt in the world.  It was the color of burnt sienna and it was made of polyester and it had a bell to it.  I wore it all of the time.  I couldn't stop wearing this skirt.  I didn't know that this would be my favorite skirt.  It just wore on me.  

I love purses.  However, the one that I use the most is this brown one that I found at Goodwill from Lucky.   It's big and made of leather.  I picked it because it look like I could just throw stuff into it.  I lose my keys all the time but it's not too fancy but it is durable and I can use it anywhere.  Did I know that this bag would be my favorite?  No, I did not.  That's the thing, you never know what will be the things that ends up being your favorite.  I have bought shoes that I thought I would love but then live in a pair of Skechers.  Isn't that the way life goes?  I mean, isn't this the whole premise of Toy Story 4 (girl falls in love with spork)?

So... I want to find someone whose presence clicks with mine.  It's not anything tangible or identifiable.  When you are with them and when they are with you, they understand you.  You realize you are cut somehow from the same irreverent cloth.  Because of this, you want to listen to Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat while taking day trips to locations that have hills and valleys as well as creeks and waterfalls.  I want someone who will not be upset when it takes me twice as long to climb the mountain but be happy that I'm willing to climb, on a hot day, while sweating profusely, at least once a year.  On the drive home we could stop to have a cheese burger (with a gluten free bun) and fries and then listen to Prince really loud with the windows down and singing all of the words even when there is traffic. 

How do I explain that I am not a pet person but that I have not one but two cats and and dog that I love and can not live without.  How do I explain that I have been broken and rebuilt out of nothing more than faith and that the glitter that is seen comes from the many thousand tears that I have cried and sobbed out while I was breaking.  Somehow the salt from those tears dried and now they shine on the veneer of my soul. How do I tell someone that I am both a sail and an anchor?  Or that I believe in God in a way that seems beyond childish and yet it makes sense to me.  How do you tell someone that Death is a friend who has taken everyone you have loved home and that they are waiting for you there with Jesus?  It can be seen as insanity but it is insanity (Jesus)  that has pulled me from the darkness and has allowed me to float with clouds and rainbows feeling loved and secure. So, you see my predicament with a profile.   

Honestly, I want to get all of the bad things I don't like about myself out to the way first.  I might be a little insane.  I wear my pajamas until they are threads.  I crack my gum really loud all the time so don't ever feed me gum because that's where I keep all of my Bronx.  If you care about the details and appearances, I'm not the girl for you.   I'm all about Jesus and I'm all about the heart.  Be brave and kind with me in this world.  It may not be easy but I'll help make it fun and there will be laughter and hugs and beautiful sunsets and thanks.

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