Mushy

 I think that there are things about ourselves we don't like to admit to.  I know for a fact that I have had conversations that included people telling me that I am ________ (feel free to fill in the blank).  And then I have proceeded to deny that I am whatever the blank is.  Today I was taking my Sunday nap and I thought about the type of person that I am.  I used to deny that I love the color pink.  I LOVE pink.  I love pink, purple and orange.  Throw in some aqua and some lime and I'm happy.  I am an older woman who appreciates rainbows and unicorns.  Lisa Frank is my muse!!!  I am just embracing this about myself.  

There's more.  I love pop music.  80s music and boy bands are some of my favorites.  I like action movies and romantic comedies.  I like flavored lipstick and colored hair dye that smells like grapes.  I don't know if I dye my hair because I like the weird colors or because I like walking around smelling like grapes.  I no longer eat candy but if I did, I would love it.  I love candy.  My favorite fantasy land is candy land.  Is that bad?  

I guess you can say that I am immature.  It serves me well as an educator.  I guess you can say that I relate well with my children and my students.  I don't like to hear that I am immature but I don't really like the look of adulting so it is what it is.  I'm not a toy person but I do have issues with purses and with shoes.  I'm getting better.  I'm sure that my taste may change but at this rate, I will say what the problem is: I am mushy.  I'm not going to paint my room pink.  I'm not putting up any rainbow posters.  I drink my coffee each day with just milk and I make sure to drink my water and green tea.  You see, I can be an adult!!!

I am thinking about who I am because I think it is important to understand who you are and what you like, even if it is embarrassing sometimes.  Is it my fault that I love glitter eyeshadow?  These masks make me miss my love of lipstick.  I love lipstick but do you know how hard it is to take it off of the masks!!!  I like writing in journals and I have pen pals.  I like colorful pens and I buy stickers some times.  I like to paint my nails with color and rainbow glitter.  Have I always been this way?  Probably.  I am thankful for the weird things that I like.  I am thankful for my developing tastes.  And I am thankful that God made me the way that I am, some immature colorful woman who likes to write about all the crazy things she thinks about and her crazy life.  What makes you happy today?  Praise the Lord for the things that make you happy.  Praise God!!!

Thanksgiving 2020

 I have trouble sometimes remembering the last few years.  I remember that they were hard years.  I didn't feel them as hard at the time.  I am looking back and realizing that they were hard, probably the hardest years of my life.  I am thankful for the family and friends that took us in when I was on auto-pilot.  This year, due to the pandemic, we thought it safe to just keep it small.  

We woke up late, the kids and me.  That in itself was a blessing.  You should know that I am not the best of cooks in any situation.  My task was making the Spanish rice and the beans.  I made black beans.  I am upset that I was not able to find pigeon peas or gandules in Arizona.  My plan was to make arroz con gandules.  So who did the majority of the cooking?  Geoff, he did the majority.  I'm thankful he cooks better than me.  He made plenty of gluten-free sides so that I could eat like mac and cheese with bacon.  Yum!!!  There was turkey and even gluten-free gravy!!!  Can I just tell you what else he did?  He made me a gluten-free apple pie which we devoured with vanilla ice cream.  

We helped.  The day before we all went over and started prepping.  We love prepping.  You don't know this but my kids love to help.  I woke up early and started cooking then my babies woke up and started getting ready.  I got ready.  I think the plan was to keep it comfy but we brought it up to a casual and I broke out my make up.  We went for a walk and we were starving.  It was a beautiful day.  It was so lovely.  We had our meal.  We took a break and then played a board game.  We left happy and exhausted.  We had our first major holiday together.  That feels like a big sentence.  This year is not like the last two years that have past and I am thankful for that.  Keep us in prayer.  Thankful to God and Praise the Lord.   

Love is All Around

Man!!!  What is going on?  I don't ever recall so many people falling in love, getting engaged and getting married.  All of the time!!!  One week, there were three weddings flooding my social media feed.  They are beautiful and unique weddings.  There are no rules.  We are in the midst of a pandemic... still!!!  Of course, they are small affairs.  I feel like there is less offense because we are all thinking about social distancing.  

I am happy about this.  There are no complaints.  I want everyone to find love.  Love of God, love of self, love of neighbor, love of the impoverished, love of animals, love of children and then... romantic love.  Life is so short, Guys.  What are we doing with our time, what little time we have on this Earth?  I have seen "Hamilton."  What will our story be and who will tell it?  I am learning still, that God is love.  Love overcomes a multitude of sin.  So yes, love (a verb, active, a command).

I have a pen pal.  We talk about a lot of things.  In this last letter, she asked me about Geoff.  All of her questions seemed to be about him.  I can't tell you about a dinner that is still being made.  Let me tell you, there is care as the meal is prepared.  There are prayers and reflections on my part.  I am thankful.  Who am I to have this privilege?  I understand this grace that has been bestowed to me.  Every day is about grace.  I mean... have you met me?  No one of consequence is who I am.  I read about widows.  It is the saddest word in the world.  I am  single mother, a widow, a teacher.  I attempt to educate the disenfranchised.  Who am I to have earned this honor?  Don't look at me.  I'm a mess.  I'm a hot mess... on burnt toast.  I promise you that I am.  If God could look out for a spicy, crazy, unorganized mess like me, then what could He do for you?  Love is all around... you.  God is all around you.  Whatever you are thinking or doing?  Trust in God.  That's all.  Believe.  I did.  Praise the Lord!

Gifting

 I can't seem to stop thinking about gifts.  I guess it is the time of year to think about gifts.  Getting ready for the upcoming Christmas season and feeling thankful has a way of lending itself to gift giving.  I'm thinking of my growing children whose tastes have changed so much.  I used to buy dolls and sets and now I'm buying electronics, clothes and shoes.  I go back and forth on what to get Geoff, but I'm thinking about it.  Despite of all around us that is not quite right.  I am still thinking about the nature of gifting.

I got a gift recently.  The whole event had to do with gifts, funny enough.  We decided to take a day to go to Sedona and spend the day there.  We were supposed to look for some gifts in the little cute shops that they have there.  Janet had her eye on a sweatshirt.  I wanted to get David a t-shirt.  We decided to go earlier and hike.  

There were thoughts on where we were going to hike.  God and the GPS had different ideas.  We ended up going on a different route and it led us to Red Rock State Park.  "Why not?" We told ourselves.  We parked and got ready.  The leaves were changing.  I hadn't had an Autumn day in ages.  I don't even think the children remember a real Autumn.  I had found Janet looking for the crunchy leaves around where we live to step on them.  My children have been deprived of seasons.  I didn't think they minded until I found them running in the leaves as I put on my hiking boots.  We walked across the parking lot into a fairy land.  There was a creek with running water and the red rock canyon on the other side of us.  There were changing leaves everywhere.  It was just breezy enough.  It smelled like Fall.  

This beautiful day was a gift.  It was a brilliant gift with wonderful sights and great people.  I said more than once that I would bottle the smell in a jar if I could have.  I am thankful.  I was gifted a day.  I'm thankful to everyone involved.  I am thankful, so thankful for early gifts, considerate boyfriends who plan hikes.  I am thankful to God from whom all blessings flow.   Praise the Lord!!!

Update

 Hi Guys!!!

There has been a lot to write about and no time to write.  You don't know this but I have recently had a COVID scare. I get a call from my daughter at school.  I don't exactly know what happens when I get a call from one of my kids at school.  It's like the blood drains out of me and I go a little cold and auto-pilot goes on.  I mean, how was I able to drive over there.  

I don't really want to get into the great brouhaha that came out of trying to get tested.  We all got tested, all four of us (I'm leaving that right there).  I am currently awaiting for the kid's results.  I don't know why they didn't come at the same time as the adults but that's the way that it goes.  I'm praying for negative results.  We will wait it out till we get the results and then test again.  Wear your masks, people.  You wear your panties and underwear, right?  Well, all you have to do is wear your face underwear.  Save a life, wear your mask.  

I have discovered a few things about myself in the time that I have not been writing.  I miss writing.  I like road tripping.  Hiking is the only way to go.  It makes me want to go out and get stickers to put on my car.  Sugar is the devil.  I'm not kidding.  It's like I'm the worst version of myself when I have sugar.  Stay away from the stuff.  It is soul sucking.  

I'm still dating.  Yes, the same guy, he's cool.  I may have started menopause so when I have a hot flash I'm like, "Covid or menopause?"  Ugh!  I'm just managing my job and classes.  But Thanksgiving is coming soon and right after that is Christmas.  I still have to move.  I still need to try and eat healthy but I'm believing that through all of the politics, through a pandemic, through it all, God is with me and He has a plan.  I'm praying my way through these days and believing that God is with me as I walk this hot mess life.  Praise the Lord!!!

Middle-Aged

It is autumn.  I think of the seasons as a cycle.  As humans, we only go through this cycle once.  We start in the Spring.  Our youth is the Summer.  Middle age is Autumn and old age is Winter.  Am I the only one who thinks this?  Well, I love Autumn.  It really is one of the only things I miss about New York City.  I miss the feeling of Fall.  This post is not about Fall.  This post is about how I have been quiet.  What have I been doing that I have not been writing?  I have been teaching and learning.  I have been praying and adulting.  I have been pouting and worrying sometimes.  Transitions are hard!!!  I haven't wanted to sit down and look at the state of things.

Still working on grad school.  Still teaching high school.  Still trying to inspire.  I think of the term burn out and if it really does exist.  Who would I be if I changed something?   What would I be?  Isn't that the question?  Yes, I have been through a lot.  I have learned that life is short.  So...  how much time do you think I have left?  Maybe another 50 years.  Will I be able to do the things I can do now?  Doubtful, right?  I mean, I don't think I will have the mobility but I might.  What would I do?  Can I write books?  When will I do this?  What kind of legacy will I leave?  What message would I like to leave the world?  Robin Thicke has this one song called "Lonely World."  The words of the last verse goes like this: 

 

    "Beautiful mom can you smile? 

    Can you glow? 

    Can you sing me my favorite song? 

    Coffee for one, clothes are clean, kids are gone.  

    What to do?  She's a sleeping sun.  

    She sees birds fly out of windows.  

    She watches jealousy.  

    She says she's too old for new things.  

    But Mama you got wings."

I think as a society, we are so focused on the young.  No wonder that we feel a certain way once you get to be a certain way.  I haven't stopped learning.  I continue to grow.  I continue to adapt and adjust and dream.  Are there co-ops for middle aged people trying to re-evaluate and re-commence their passions?  Should we start forming support groups?  "Hi.  My name is Elle.  I'm middle-aged."  I don't know.  I think we are a pretty powerful demographic and maybe we should join forces and rule the world.  Maybe I will be the next president: The first ever Latina president!!!  LOL!!!  Maybe I know the next Latina president.  I tell students that skies are the limit, maybe I should start telling myself.  Because life is short and God is big.  Thank You, God for this abundant life.  Praise God!!!