Wednesday, July 17, 2019

I Don't Share Everything

Oh Crap!!!  I don't even know if I should have started that way.  As you could probably guess, I don't always share everything that is going on in my hectic crazy life.  I don't always talk about how I miss my husband.  I don't always talk about school or work or the kids.  However, that doesn't mean that things don't happen in those areas.  It has been a crazy process and experience looking at a life that you built up with someone and then re-evaluating.  I have been restless and impatient wondering what are the things that are next in my life.  I'm being completely transparent when I see the next 20, 30, 50 years of my life extend forward like an lined highway with no destination.  It could feel like this.  It does feel like this some days.

People talk about Marie Kondo and eliminating clutter.  You can't do that until you are ready.  I'll give you an example.  Here I am and I look at the knick knacks that currently clutter my bookshelf.  On it are the little mementos that Santi has given me throughout the years.  I don't know if I find joy in that turtle but I remember when my husband gave it to me.  Do I throw it out?  What about the pictures that are so many that they fill up various storage tubs?  There are boxes that are in my garage that I need to go through and I know that they are painful but I need to see what is in there and get rid of what I don't need.

Here is the reality.  I have been afraid of movement.  I have been sabotaging myself.  Online dating?  You know that I'm better in person.  If I really wanted to meet someone I would have signed up for a meet-up.  I'm getting ready to finally finish this degree this year.  I've been dragging my feet and I am thanking the people that have called me on it.  My children need me more and less.  They are coming into their own and I need to make sure that they are understanding the twists and turns that life gives you.  My role at my job is changing.  I have been at my job for 8 years and with this company for 10.  How many more years am I planning to stay?  Will everything change once I accomplish my degree?

Even now I  am not telling of all of the things that are in store for this year.  I have plans.  I am working toward stuff.  Change is scary.  Please be praying for us as we try and navigate our new normal.  Pray that I can be a good parent for my children.  Pray that I can be a good and effective educator.  Pray that I finish what I started and take criticism well.  Pray for what I don't share.  And I, dear reader, will be praying for you.

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