Someone asked me what my fears are. What a crazy question! Hi. My name is So and So. What are your biggest fears? I was like, "What is my biggest fear?" I had to think about it. Fear of speaking? Nope. Fear of death? Not really. Fear of losing someone? Yes but it isn't an effective fear. Everyone hates losing people. That's part of the human existence. I really didn't know at that point what I would be afraid of. Then I had a conversation that led me to figure it all out.
Talking with a friend, I started talking about the restlessness. Restlessness... Sometimes, late at night, when the house is quiet, too quiet, there is a sense of waiting. What am I waiting for? There are days when I have ennui. I'm so glad that the French have a word for it. It is not an extreme emotion. It's more like a pebble in your shoe that refuses to come out. Is it restlessness? Is it impatience? Is it fear? Yes! I had not traced down to the root, the source, my restlessness. This is what emotionally healthy people do. Don't they?
Why have I been restless? What am I waiting for? And what is the fear behind the restlessness? I felt it, the fear. Was it fear of the unknown? Fear of being alone? Maybe a little bit. And then I understood what I was afraid of. I was afraid, AFRAID, of not being seen; of never being seen. Is this why I started this blog? Is this all because of a need for attention? Is needing attention the same as being seen? I don't know.
I have so many wonderful brilliant friends. They are so good to me. They hold my hand when I'm crumbling. They say nice things about me. I'm not a fan of compliments. Who cares about the good? I want to be loved even with my bad. I want to be seen for my flaws.
II Timothy 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind." The fear is not coming from God. I wonder who whispers to me when I am trying to find peace. Hagar was Moses' concubine. She was given to him by Sarai. Sarai thought she would rush God's promise. Hagar bore Moses a son, Ishmael. Sarai said that Hagar was giving her haughty looks and complained to Moses. Moses was like, "Your maid, your problem." Sarai was mean to her. So, Hagar ran off into the desert. She was ready to let Ishmael die, exposed to the elements but God had his eye on this Egyptian servant. Genesis 16:13 says that He is the God Who sees me. He is El-Roi. How could I have forgotten? I may have to get it tattooed where I can see it. I am not invisible. I am not forgotten. I am not overlooked. If no one sees me, God sees me.
I may have to come up with some other fears to deal with like: fear of success or fear of commitment. Whatever it is I will remember how merciful and good God has been to us. As always, even with fear, Praise the Lord!!!
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