Friday, June 26, 2020

The Shoulds

I can be hard on myself.  I don't know what this makes me.  I don't know if it demonstrates a Type A personality.  I don't think of myself like that.  I'm not sure what it means.  I don't need a cheerleader.  I realized this giving birth.  I wanted to be left alone to focus on doing the task.  I go inside my mind and push through.  I was going up a hill hiking once and poor Janet.  She was like, "You can do it, Mom!!!"  It annoyed me.  I told her, "Thanks, Janet, but I don't need a cheerleader."  She was clearly hurt.  Later I explained that people are motivated to do things in different ways.  Some appreciate a cheerleader and for some things, definitely cheer me on.  For others, I don't.  She understood then.  I understood then.  I'm still trying to understand.  

Because of this, I talk to myself a lot.  I need to be communicating to myself in order to get things done.  Elle, do a few pages today.  Elle, mop the floors.  Elle, cook a great dinner.  I have high expectations of myself and can easily burn out if I'm not careful.  I'm learning my limits.  Things can go from a nice hike to a dangerous precipice from one moment to the next.  

In my head, there is an internal checklists of shoulds

Be a better mom                

Be a brilliant teacher        

Have the house spotless    ✔

Be perfect                         ✔       

There is something in my ear that whispers, "You will lose everything if you aren't perfect."  I know you know what I am talking about, right?  I'm not perfect.  I'm not even close.  I have to remind myself that I don't have to be driven by the shoulds.  The needs to also need to be addressed.  I sit here and say, "I need to lose weight. (I do but you get the point)"  "I need to be a better friend."  "I need to organize the closets."  "I need to walk more."  "I need to sleep more."  "I need to..."  The only real need to is love and trust God.  

Maybe I need to stop listening to the things that drive me nuts.  Maybe I need to bring everything to God in prayer, even my evil heart.  Maybe I need to trust that God has a plan even when it seems that this life is impossible.  Maybe it is.  There's always the next life and I want to make sure that I'm in the right place for that.  Maybe I'm human and the real secret is to allow God to reflect Himself through my humanity, less of me and more of Him.  Okay, God, more You and less me.  Because You're perfect and I'm not.  Adding God to the Elle mix lifts up my status.  That's all for now.  Praise the Lord!!!

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