Friday, May 1, 2020

May Thoughts

Today is the first day of May or May Day.  I just got a gift from my dear friend, Harriet who made me something sweet.  This month, a lot of things are going on.  In about a week I will be turning 48.  The day right after is Mother's Day.  I think the governor would have done well to open up Arizona on the 10th instead of the 15th.  There are graduations this month.  My late husband's birthday would have been this month.  Did you know that we met this month?  I was a baby at 22.  We started going out on the 29th.  This is my month. 

I look into the mirror.  I can start seeing it, the vestiges of time making its appearance on my face.  There is a looseness in my jaw, there is something different about my neck.  My dear sweet friends always tell me that I don't have to worry about aging yet.  Here is an honest thought.  I look at my friends who are aging with me and they are happily with their husbands who loved them when they were young.  They don't see their wives as aging.  They see their wives the way I saw my husband when he was alive, as the young handsome guy that swept me off of my feet when I was 22.  I wonder what people see now...  I always imagine people seeing all the things I try to hide.  The way that I don't know what to say when approached.  My chunky legs, the ones that I have are what you see first, right?  The arm fat that I can't seem to get rid of and that will probably be there forever.  I breathe in.  I breathe out.  Some times when you think too hard, you can get yourself in trouble.  I tell myself, "Elle, be happy.  You'll be home soon."

I bought a cake mix to make with the kids.  I treated myself to a fancy perfume.  It will be a quiet happy weekend.  I don't know.  I don't know what will happen.  I think that this is what has me apprehensive.  I don't have a lot of plans that extend past the next few months.  I used to imagine what it would be like to get married.  I then used to imagine what it would be like to have kids.  I used to imagine what it would be like to watch my babies grow.  I have their graduations to look forward to and their weddings and their babies.  I have a while to wait.  There is nothing close on the horizon.  It's just the three of us that have set sail on our adventure and there appears to be no land in sight..  There is but quiet days of growing and waiting on what God has for us.  Maybe there is a measure of "ho-hum" added to our days.  Here is another hard thought: I may be afraid to hope for more than what is ahead.  So... instead I will focus on my happy May thoughts.  I will celebrate my birthday month and when June comes, I'll worry about that month then.  God tells us not to worry about tomorrow, so I guess that means I'll just praise Him today. 

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