Saturday, May 23, 2020


A friend of mine that I used to date had divorced some time last year.  We commiserated on his situation.  He's a nice guy.  It was a bad situation.  He had taken it badly.  He got over it and was ready to move on.  Today as I was scrolling through Facebook, his beautiful new girlfriend posted a picture of them.  It was a beautiful picture.  Her post was so happy.  And I am happy for her.  I am happy for him.  I am happy for them... now that I have had a chance to react, pray, pull out my hair a little.  It punched me in the stomach and I was not ready for it... Envy.

I'm sure I'm the only one who struggles with envy.  It's such a telling emotion.  It points to all the things we leave in the dark hidden recesses of our heart.  No.  Envy is best in pulling it out of its corners and presenting it to God with pained, hurt-filled tears.  It's then you realize the little and big lies you have been telling yourself.

I had stopped dating but I hadn't realized that I didn't stop hoping that I would find someone.  There was a part of me that waits.  I don't know if I should be waiting.  I can't seem to get used to being single.  It's like stepping into a pool of too cold water and hoping that you will eventually adjust.  I think ahead when my children have left the nest in pursuit of their own adventures and I will be left with the quiet.  I'm not sure if it taunts me or comforts me.  I find that I am afraid of this unknown.  Look at all the things that are already being exposed!

Knowing my children, another scenario unfolds.  Here they are brimming with life and adventure but they feel tethered to their single, widowed mother.  Regardless of how I protest, they stay behind and let opportunities go out of duty, obligation or guilt.  My heart breaks in just thinking of it.  No my children.  Go and see the world.  I want what God wants for them.  I want them to be brave and bold and to go forth.  If they stay it is because they want to, not because they need to. 

I think through the mental rolodex of men in my mind, giving consideration to each.  I literally shake my head, no.  And even if there was, would I be ready?  Again, I shake my head, no. A picture was taken of my flabby arms and short stubby legs.  I'm looking at it.  Yeah, it's a hard sell.  I can't imagine what it looks like to everyone else.  I imagine that most people see me as a colorful, bright wolverine.  Cute like a small bear but a little aggressive.  My chunkiness is part of how I am seen, part of who I am.  Adele recently lost a lot of weight and I found myself trying to recognize her.  Imagine a me you can no longer recognize.  Do I want that?  I don't want to have to... (lose weight, cut my hair, change my favorite color, stop being messy, stop reading, dye my hair a normal color, etc...) to have someone fall in love with me (that was hard to write).  Being real and keeping it real is hard.

James talks about it:
"Who is wise and understanding among you?  Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth.  This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic.  For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.  But the wisdom that is from above is pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy.  Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace."  James 3:13-18

That's not to say that envy doesn't happen.  Obviously it does.  I think it advises against keeping it in the dark.  I wish that this is the only envious circumstance.  It's not.  I'm telling you.  I'm a hot mess.  And apparently I may not write the book but I can write enough for a book on my hot mess-ness.  Pray for my envious heart, Friends.  I guess we are cleaning out everything!  That's all for now.   Praise the Lord!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment