The 18th of May, 2020

It's his birthday today.  He would have been 48.  He was only 45 when he passed.  That was his limit.  I keep on thinking that he will never age another day in his life.  I wonder if he says, "This is my second year of eternity!!!  Whoo Hoo!!!"  I thought about my children.  My daughter was the one who brought up this day first.  My son has not mentioned anything yet.  I'm hoping to think of it as National Donut Day.  One of those days that come and I don't really notice.  It's hard to celebrate my birthday nine days before and then hit this day.  This isn't the only day in May that is hard.  Our anniversary is the 29th.  We had a thing with 9s.

So what do we do?  What do I do?  How do I commemorate this day?  I am not one to count down would have beens.  This is different though.  These days... they tend to haunt me and I don't like to be haunted.  I miss him.   He is not here.  He has gone.  He would have been 48 but he isn't.  I'm the one that is here to age and celebrate another year of life.  I'm the one watching my children grow up and get taller.  Already I can count ahead and see the time racing by.  Someone mentioned my son turning 18 in 4 years and I almost started crying.  Looking back, I'm sad.  Looking forward, I'm sad.  Today?  I'm sad.  Well... I don't want to be sad!!  I want to eat gluten free birthday cake and live to regret eating it!!!  You know what?  I will eat cake.  I will celebrate living.  I will do what my children want to do to commemorate.  In this life, there will be days like this.

What I am learning is that there is fear that the day will be sad.  There is fear of the pain it takes to remember.  The pain is there anyway.  What I forget is that I don't walk this life alone.  I walk with God and He is close to the broken hearted.  Of course I didn't choose to be broken hearted.  But I am none-the-less and I have God walking with me.  We all hope for good days.  Well, as I am aging, I am learning that we hit a peak and then it's downhill, right?  Well... God is still with us to help us through it.  The Bible promises that He will never leave us nor forsake us.  So, I come into this day with prayer.  I walk into this day, mentally holding the hand of my God.  I face the day.  And I will teach my children to praise our good God who took Daddy home and one day will take us home for an eternity of good days.  Praise the Lord!!!