"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths."
I am not good at trusting in God. It's so clear what I should do. I should let God take care of me:
Even when I have a lot on my plate,
Even when I'm stressed,
Even when I can't see a way to do everything on my TO DO list, and I have a lot of things on that list. This is what I have figured out. I have been worried. I have been anxious. I have allowed myself to be tired. I have had some "What if..." type of thoughts. What if I can't finish this degree? What if moving is impossible? There are scarier what ifs further down the line. What if I get depressed? What if I'm always by myself? I can play a very scary "What if..." game. I've tired myself out and I have allowed myself to lose faith, lose trust, and lose sight of what is real and true.
So I sit here humbled at my actions. Who do I think I am? Who am I to do anything right? If it comes down to God versus me, who do you think has the goods? My money is on God. I'm worried about a future that I'm not sure about. I'm worried about a future I'm not sure about in light of what I know to be true. That God will direct my paths. That God is in control. What happens if I don't believe? What happens if I don't trust? Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt comes to mind. Skies the limit if I can muster up some faith. Old Sarah giving birth to Isaac. Elijah being taken home in a chariot of fire. Lazarus being called forth after 4 days. God becoming man and living 33 years on this earth to die and rise again after 3 days to pay the debt of sin (the old magic) so that one day, I can go home.
I will open up my little heart and hope for good things and not worry about the things that I can't control. I will hope in the good plan my good God has for me. I will trust in the Lord and I'm not going to pretend that I know what I'm doing. I'm telling you, I don't know what I'm doing and just in case you were wondering, I'm a hot mess. I'm a hotter mess, on toast, in need of a Savior. Let's not forget the mission statement.
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