In Need of God

You should know that I'm not a good person.  I love God.  God, the Creator of the Universe.  God, Who is omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient.  God is good, I am not.  I know what some of you are thinking.  This is my response to your thoughts, when we all die and stand before Him, you can tell me that He doesn't exist.  Until then, I'm not relying on drugs, humans, dreams, I am living by faith and trusting God.  Why?  Because when there was no one, when life was hard (and life has been hard) God was there.  He whispered to me in the night that He would never leave me nor forsake me.  So, I will stay with Him the rest of my days.  However, I'm not great at following God. 

Proverbs 3:5-6: 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths."

I am not good at trusting in God. It's so clear what I should do.  I should let God take care of me:

Even when I have a lot on my plate,

Even when I'm stressed,

Even when I can't see a way to do everything on my TO DO list, and I have a lot of things on that list.  This is what I have figured out.  I have been worried.  I have been anxious.  I have allowed myself to be tired.  I have had some "What if..." type of thoughts.  What if I can't finish this degree?  What if moving is impossible?  There are scarier what ifs further down the line.  What if I get depressed?  What if I'm always by myself?   I can play a very scary "What if..." game.  I've tired myself out and I have allowed myself to lose faith, lose trust, and lose sight of what is real and true.  

So I sit here humbled at my actions.  Who do I think I am?  Who am I to do anything right?  If it comes down to God versus me, who do you think has the goods? My money is on God.  I'm worried about a future that I'm not sure about.  I'm worried about a future I'm not sure about in light of what I know to be true.  That God will direct my paths.  That God is in control.  What happens if I don't believe?  What happens if I don't trust?  Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt comes to mind.  Skies the limit if I can muster up some faith.  Old Sarah giving birth to Isaac.  Elijah being taken home in a chariot of fire.  Lazarus being called forth after 4 days.  God becoming man and living 33 years on this earth to die and rise again after 3 days to pay the debt of sin (the old magic) so that one day, I can go home.  

I will open up my little heart and hope for good things and not worry about the things that I can't control.  I will hope in the good plan my good God has for me.  I will trust in the Lord and I'm not going to pretend that I know what I'm doing.  I'm telling you, I don't know what I'm doing and just in case you were wondering, I'm a hot mess.  I'm a hotter mess, on toast, in need of a Savior.  Let's not forget the mission statement.