I went to a yoga class. I went on Saturday. I had gone to yoga before but I had forgotten how hard a class could be. I was anticipating the yoga instructor I had seen during the week, a thinner woman. I was sitting on the yoga mat when the young handsome instructor walked in. Part of me wanted to get up and walk out. Why? Because I knew that I was going to get ugly. This class was going to be ugly. Within the first ten to fifteen minutes, I was sweating profusely. I looked at my watch. How long was this class? My hands were already slipping on the mat. I was telling my friend and the receptionist at my dentist's office about the experience and out of my mouth came a thought that was more truth than joke. I said, "The only man that should see you that ugly is your husband."
I'm on a few dating sites. All of the pictures are sort of pretty but definitely without a filter. I have a few full body shots because I could appear to be thinner from just a head shot and I'm not a thinner woman. When I look at my pictures and in the mirror without make up, I still think that I'm beautiful. I like the way my bones form my face. I like the way my skin is. I like my features. I'm not as kind on my legs. My legs are short and stubby. They are chunky legs. I don't want to have to worry about my chunky legs. I didn't worry about my legs when I was married. Why? Because it wasn't about how pretty I was, it was about trusting someone to be vulnerable, real and ugly. When I was married, I had plenty of ugly moments. I gave birth. I lost my father. I was sick. I was sad. It's hard to know someone from a picture and some funny snippets that they call a profile. I don't know if I can really meet someone online. I don't know if this is a reliable sort of way to meet people. I want to watch someone and get to know someone. What I really want to do is lull someone into a friendship then fall in love gradually. Isn't this what we all want? Maybe Phoebe (from Friends) was right. We are all lobsters needing to go into the cold water and then slowly boil.
I know some younger single women. I know younger single men. My friend told me that when she talks to married people, they don't seem to like to be married all of the time. This makes me so sad. It is hard to be married but now that I'm not married, I miss it. There is so many things to miss about being married. This is why I think about doing it all again. Even after becoming a widow, a covenant keeper, one who stayed; I would do it again. I know some might not, but I would. This is why I'm trying it again. When I look at these singles who are looking for their other half, I see them hoping for someone pretty or handsome. Someone that they think match them. I want to tell them to find someone constant or consistent. Find someone who knows what commitment means by how they treat their friends and family. The ones with the weird friends are the ones that love regardless of what you look like. I want to tell them that the ones who come in the middle of the night are worth more than those who look good in pictures with. Man, and if they make you laugh even when you feel like crying then maybe you need to give them another look. I want to tell them to find someone who will love you for and through your ugly times. You'll have more of those than pretty times. And be someone who will love someone when they are ugly too, even as just a friend. Life is so short, Friends. Love one another. God calls us to do this.
As for me? I have recently been reminded that:
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30) Maybe that's what I want someone to really see and love me for. And that's not ugly at all.
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