I have had issues with consumerism. I can say that I have gotten better about it. But here's the thing. I find that I like to reward myself by buying stuff, stuff that I definitely do not need. I think about how I'm eliminating stuff to move eventually. Then here I go buying stuff. What do I like to buy? Little things I really don't need is what I find myself getting. Buying sponges to clean with is not fun!!! This weekend I bought a few books. I had been good about not buying books. I was borrowing them from the library. But then, the library upset me. I have three weeks to read a book. Sometimes I don't get to read the book in that time so I have I have it so that it automatically renews. If someone else puts it on hold, then all of a sudden, my book becomes overdue. Never mind that it was just renewed. How is this fair? So I bought a few books with the intention of donating them when I was done but I'm spending money because I'm mad at the library. Ugh! I'm dumb. I like to buy hair jewelry. I don't really like my hair up but I'll put it up just to wear the pretty bejeweled barrettes and clips that I tend to buy. I bought this beautiful one that it so pretty I want to go somewhere fancy just to wear it.
I went through my bank statement. I didn't want to make dinner so I bought dinner yesterday for my kids. I could have meal prepped for the whole week with the money that I spent on the kids' dinner. I'm pretty good about clothes and although I have too many shoes and purses, I am always drawn to them. I added another purse to my collection this weekend. I mean, maybe it was a designer purse and maybe I paid $8.00 for it at Goodwill because they don't know the really fancy brands. But still... I tell myself that I can afford a lip gloss or lipstick. Never mind that I love the better brands and I can drop $20 on a lipstick and not even blink. I have some that cost more than that.
Why? Some of it is because the better quality stuff doesn't upset me. I will buy a cheap lipstick and it won't go on well. It will fade faster or have a cheap feel or taste to it. I don't have an aversion to using Chapstick or something else equally cheap but I bought this lipstick once and it has a magnetic closure. It smells good and when I put it on it feels and looks the tiniest bit better. I walk around and I'm telling myself, "You see my gorgeous lips are courtesy of this fancy brand right here." I become fancy. When I walk around in my fancy shoes I'm saying the same thing. The pretty hair jewelry? I want to bring your attention to my remarkably long curly hair. The worst is the purses. You could be a hot mess and if they are walking around with a fancy purse you assume something about them. They are a hot mess but it can't be all bad because they have a fancy purse. Despite my bravado, I care what people think and this has cost me in my priorities.
I need a moment to digest that I just told my blog readers a deep seated ugly insecurity that I have. There is a good portion of my problems that come from my own issues. Proverbs 21:1-5:
The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD;
he turns it wherever he will.
2Every way of a man is right in his own eyes,
but the LORD weighs the heart.
3To do righteousness and justice
is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice.
4Haughty eyes and a proud heart,
the lampa of the wicked, are sin.
5The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance,
but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.
So... then there's that. I need to work toward spending my time and my money better. It's true that I spend very little on myself and that I'm paying some bills that are only partly my fault but just understanding how I work and confessing my issues to God may lead me where I really want to go- God's path for me. I tend to shop when I feel bad about myself. I want to highlight my good and disguise my bad. I'm working on it.
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