I was in a store today and I came across a DVD of the movie, Knight and Day. I don't know why but it was a favorite of Santi's. I girded myself. You see, you may not know this but sometimes, grief is like an unexpected smack or a punch in the gut. A smell, a song, a movie, you never know what will trigger it. It comes out of no where, an abuser, a sadist, this thing called Grief.
I waited for it to hit. It didn't. Is it gone? Have I grieved enough? I don't know. I pictured the last time I saw the movie with him. I pictured the movie. I pictured A Knight's Tale. This is the last movie I saw with him. Heath Ledger and the last movie combo is sure to trigger Grief's punch. I waited some more. I didn't know if I was happy or sad about it.
I came home and heard NAO's "Next Lifetime." This song crushed me. It was like it was waiting for me. There I was listening to the soothing sounds of James Bay and there it was. Have you heard it? I think you should look it up and give it a listen. The weight of it all fell on me then. I was with him so long. I loved him. I remembered this for a moment. Grief is an emotion bomb. I was able to walk away. I was able to remember. I was able to bounce back. And somehow, somehow, even with the grief, I had the feeling of balance. Did I need to feel grief? This horrible thing!!! Is it needed?
Clearly I have been thinking about this and you know that I am going to bring in God. Psalm 34:17-19 says:
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." When my heart breaks within me, in my humanity, I can lift my weary eyes to my good God and know that this life doesn't last long and there is Someone always in my corner. I am thankful. I am grateful, so grateful that I have this grief; this painful, reminder of what was. I will see him again. Next Lifetime.