I find myself in a weird place. I have been having problems articulating how I feel about it. I don't think that it is a situation that is relatable to other people, or maybe it is. I'm not sure how other people experience this phenomenon. Allow me to explain it.
I am from New York City. It's true that I grew up in North Bronx where there were tree lined streets and residential houses but I didn't stay in this type of neighborhood. I was living in the Grand Concourse by Bedford Park Boulevard by the time I was ready to move. It could get noisy. There was always street noises. Growing up there were the noises of the night. I think I like the noise.
Santi was noisy. I would come home and there was always music and televisions running. He was loud and boisterous. He even chewed loudly. And then there was the children! The children were always so noisy. They had games and television shows. They are now respectively, a teen and and a tween. They are learning who they are and this means that they are finding out how to be independent. I am now the needy mom who goes after them. They have learned how to entertain themselves. So there are evenings and weekends that I am faced with this... quiet. The quiet is disconcerting. I am careful with music. I don't know if a song will come on that will remind me. There are parts of me that are still tender. I don't know what happened but we don't really watch television. So I'm faced with this quiet. I like to pray and read in the quiet. During the day I like the quiet to match the quiet way the sun filters into my room. I like to walk around and look to see what needs to be done. I make a plan to get things done during the day. The day is better for planning.
There are days when the quiet is oppressive. I am faced with my thoughts. There are times when I am faced with my feelings. I don't trust feelings. Feelings can lead you to dark paths and pull you away from the Way, the Truth and the Light. I think that the devil uses your feelings to lead you down dark paths. Don't get me wrong, there are times when the quiet is pleasant and peaceful. There are good thoughts and good feelings. But then there are days when the quiet is so loud that I can almost feel in in my soul. Was this the quiet that stayed with Santi when we weren't home? Was this the quiet that made him put on the radio and television on even when we should have been sleeping? Do you have a quiet that oppresses you? I don't know.
I'm going to confess something. Sometimes I don't pray in the silence. There are times when I make up stories. These stories lead to plans. Sometimes these plans lead me to think of things that may not be the will of the Lord. I'll give you an example. In the quiet, I think about shopping. I may even go online and next thing you know, I have an eyeshadow palette that I love but that I didn't need. I have red lipstick that is fabulous but it is so close to another one that I just recently bought. I find myself with shoes that I didn't really need. I have been better about not falling into this trap. Other times, I think, maybe I need a pen pal. I don't need a pen pal. Maybe I need to be reading this book. Maybe I don't need to be reading that book. Right now, I'm reading a book that is part of a series that I started and it is depressing, one of these dystopian societies. Ugh!!! Who told me to read this book and who has me still reading this book now? The quiet. You see, there is boredom and restlessness sometimes in the quiet that visits.
So what is my solution. Acknowledge the quiet. Don't pretend that it isn't there or that it isn't a trigger. I think attempting to ignore that which bothers you is a sure way to set yourself up. Sort of like a pain in your leg that you ignore but will catch up with you later. I understand that it will come somedays, not every day, just every once in a while. I am prepared to write my prayers down in my journal. I am prepared to read the Bible. When I can no longer pray for myself, I can pray for other people. I pray for my children. I pray for my family and my friends. I listen to worship songs or even happy songs. I take a walk. I drink a glass of water. I meal prep for the upcoming week. I have started a list of things to do. One of the things is to write a post. Take a picture. Read a poem. Try and finish this book so I can start another one because its killing me to keep on reading this book!!! Ask people how I can be praying for them. I need to be honest with myself and with God. This is part of the reason that I am writing this post. Maybe someone else knows about the quiet. Maybe someone else has too much noise and is wishing for some quiet but then reads this post and can be grateful for their noise. The noise doesn't last long. Definitely be grateful for it. That's all for now.