Saturday, May 18, 2019

Santi's Birthday

Today, this Saturday, would have been Santi's 47th birthday.  It is hard to not set up the memory of Santi as an idol.  There is a fine line between commemoration and worship.  I didn't remind the children of his birthday today until later.  We decided to bake a gluten free cake for him.  We watched one of his favorite movies but I had been thinking about him all day.  Really, it was hard not to think about him this week.  This week has been pretty hard with my own birthday, Mother's Day and the end of the school year type of stuff.  I wrote a previous blog post regarding the issue. 

This morning I woke up and I looked into the mirror.  I see the evidence of age on my face.  I remember that the deal we made was that we would age together.  He will not age.  He will always be 45 years old, looking like 35.  He was always so handsome .  I was such a lucky girl.  We would argue about who was the luckiest.  It was the best argument that we would have.

Okay, so... I have had a lot of emotions to deal with this week.  There are a a few issues that I am faced with in addition to the emotions of missing my husband.  These are thoughts that come to me throughout the year. Who am I without my husband?  What is next for me?  I am on the verge of finishing what is more than likely my last degree.  My son will be going to high school soon.  My daughter will be going to middle school.  It's harder to make decisions as a single mom.  Do we go on vacation?  Do we remodel?  I'm telling you right now, I don't know.  So... this is what I am thinking about:

Yearning for God in the Midst of Distresses

To the Chief Musician. A Contemplation of the sons of Korah.

42 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So pants my soul for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
While they continually say to me,
“Where is your God?”
When I remember these things,
I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go with the multitude;
I went with them to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and praise,
With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.
O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
And from the heights of Hermon,
From the Hill Mizar.
Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
And in the night His song shall be with me—
A prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
10 As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
11 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

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