Dating?

Okay. So... I don't know how to say this but I have been thinking about dating again.  THINKING ABOUT IT!  There is nothing written in stone.  For all of my friends out there who read this, you should know that I have no idea what I'm doing.  I could take a personality test today and be one thing and take the same exact test tomorrow and be a completely different person.  I don't know, maybe I'm the only one like this. 

So, my husband swore up and down that if something were to happen to me, I would have no trouble dating again.  Then I told him the truth, I had trouble dating back when I was 25 years younger!!!  I mean, I had trouble!  Let's face it.  I AM trouble.  So I asked him, knowing what he knows about me why did I have such a hard time?  He told me that I was too smart and that guys don't like smart girls. 

I have this buddy that I would consider part of my circle.  I asked him why he thought guys wouldn't like me now and he said it was because I was too chunky.  I liked this.  This is an honest answer but he assured me that there would be someone out there.

I wanted to ask this other male friend of mine about what he would think about dating out here in Phoenix, but he misinterpreted my conversation starters and told me that he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship.  I kid you not.  I was hurt at the implication.  At the time I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship so...

I asked my friend, Zack, a pen pal and long standing guy friend and he told me that there wasn't a romantic algorithm.  It would seem that I am looking at my dating commodity, another term Zack came up with.  It means that I am looking at my "selling" points and my "not so selling" point.  I think he was the most reasonable of the answers.

I asked Esther.  It was a really quick conversation.  I asked her, "Would you date me?"  She said, "No."  I asked, "Why not?"  She said, "You're too intense."  I believe her.  This is the answer.   It's not that I'm too smart, I mean it could be.  Maybe I'm a little too thick for some people.  I'm definitely too old for some but too young for others.  Is this really what I wanted to hear? 

I come from New York City where there are so many people living on top of one another.  I have changed since that crazy girl who used to live there decades ago.  I do most of my communication through keyboards.  I'm always amenable in person and I usually only talk to people I know either from work or from church.  When I tell people that I am an introvert, they tell me that I'm a liar but believe it or not, I am an introvert.  Phoenix is a place that people tend to mind their own business.  That's just how it is.  It is a city but it isn't a very friendly city.  People tend to stick to their own tribe.  So... how am I supposed to meet people? 

Here is the real issue.  I don't like to ask for help.  I don't see myself joining eharmony, but I would try it... maybe... I just don't think I'm ready to date. It's like I'm in a bathing suit and there is a big pool but I just don't want to jump in.  Zack is right.  I'm thinking of my "dating commodity" to see what I would bring to the table if I were to date.  So, I guess you could say that I'm "pre-dating?"  I don't even really have a bathing suit either.  I'm not sure what kind of party I'm going to and I'm wondering if workout pants and a t-shirt would work. 

I think that God might have a plan.  I'm laughing because I know that God has a plan.  And I think He sabotages some of my attempts at figuring things out because He wants me to trust Him.  I'll give you an example.  I love to write letters (don't let me write to men in prison).  I joined this app called Slowly and I met a few people on there but for the most part, there were some people that were definitely too intense.  There was this one guy who was cool.  His name is Nicky.  I even told my Bible Study that I met this guy but he turned out to be... just as weird.  And thank God because imagine if I would have found out later that he was a mass murderer, right? 

Dear Friends, I really don't even know what else to tell you.  Pray that I don't meet a murderer. When I feel like writing, I'll just log on and write to you.  That's all for now. 

PS- Don't set me up with your friend... yet.