Thursday, April 2, 2020

Staying Sane

My late husband (it is strange and unnatural to use this term) would tell me that I was a little crazy.  It would come out in arguments.  It was as if he was protecting me from the truth of myself and all of the worst things I suspected about myself would come out because we were fighting.  One of those things is being crazy. 

Gnarls Barkley's hit song, "Crazy" resonates with my ideas of insanity.  I see insanity as an abyss or another country and some of us get closer to the line than others.  In college I wrote a poem about the freedom that insanity allows you.  There is a permissiveness that society lends those who are "off." It is not my intention to make fun of or lessen the plight of those suffering from mental illness.  I do think that we are fragile beings who are vulnerable to bouts of mental illness or lapses of sanity and that we do well in remembering this. 

Here I am, attempting to work from home.  I wake up.  I start my day.  I attend meetings.  I talk to people through video chat and phone calls.  I attempt to help and console, especially my students.  In the evenings, I go to a nearby park and I sit and watch the sunset.  I then walk home attempting to make my steps.  Once home, I cook or spend time with my children.  We may clean or make plans.  We take stock.  I am acclimating myself to it.  It is helpful to have a routine.  I find I am just as busy if not busier.  At the end of the day I do not want to look at screens or read.  I am already tired.  Video chatting is not the same as meeting with people.  However, I have been able to stave away any negative mental activity... for the most part.

I find that I was more introverted as long as I had a person at home.  I am less so now.  I am not alone.  I have my children and God.  I am comforted by this.  I have missed putting my head on a shoulder.  So simple and yet... so telling.  I could borrow a shoulder but what I think about when I do is, "Not mine."  Some people can borrow books.  Other people need to buy their own.  I can borrow a book but when it comes to leaning on someone, I want that person to be mine. 

Thinking back on my younger years, I wondered how I did it.  Younger people have more friends that are willing to do things with you.  We are not all hampered by our own lives yet.  I grew up with a girl by the name of Joanne.  I think of her as my sister.  We spent endless time together, before life crept in.  She was my person.  I had her and my father and by extension, her family.  I have friends now.  I hate imposing though.  But I will if I need to, and I have needed to. 

My advice to you is impose.  I always think about the shortness of life.  Do this to stay sane.  Do this in order to keep others sane.  Text too much.  Write letters and Pray, pray pray to our God who loves to be called upon.  I am sending virtual hugs out right now to each of you reading.  May God bless you and keep you... sane.

1 comment:

  1. Love you Elvia, feel free to impose as much as you want with me