Monday, April 27, 2020

Less of a Hotter Mess... Some Day

I had been doing well with everything until some things happened that revealed that I'm still a hot mess in need of some Jesus.  The first thing that happened was, I had a leak in my toilet.  My response was awful.  These are my little things that drive me crazy.  I had a mini-nervous breakdown.  The same thing happens when the check engine light comes on in the car, or I get a flat.  There are some things that I face strongly.  Then others, I am learning, are like a mouse with an elephant.  They freak me out!!!

I'm going to tell you once again that my children are the ones that helped me through the whole thing.  I love them.  They surprise me with the way they help me through life.  They made fun of me afterwards.  I let them.  They deserved it.  We all got through it a little worse for wear but we did get through it.  I am thankful for it.  Still I'm a little sore about it all.  I hear something in my bathroom and I go running to find out if everything is still in place.  I did everything I could not to have a crying fit in front of the man from Home Depot.  By the way, did you know that if you go to Home Depot at about 4pm on Saturday, it's a circus?!!  Wow!!!  I had no idea.

The other thing is that a good friend of mine announced that they may have found someone they could start a relationship with.  He's been dating officially for about 4 months or so?  I'm not sure.  He's such a good guy with a good heart.  I am so very happy for him but in the same breath, at the same time, my selfishness just loomed up and I was envious.  I was envious for a moment.  My main emotion is happiness for my friend but... underneath, I'm green with envy.  I'm a May baby so green is my color but not this shade of green.  You should know that this paragraph was hard to admit to.  I'm sure that if I look even deeper, I'll find even harder things to admit to.  I guess you can say that I am confronting my flaws.  I think God is telling me that there is still work to be done.

There is this idea that this quarantine is either going to refine you or break you.  I find that with God, it is all refinement.  I know that there are verses I should include here.  I'll include this one:
James 1:2-4:
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

I don't know, Friends.  Right now I should be comforted but part of me wants to lay down in bed and wallow in my envy and fear.  So... what do I do instead?  I work.  I get ready for the day.  I drink my coffee.  I put on some perfume.  I will face the day and then... I will pray.  I will pray that God help us through all of our fears.  I will pray for my dear friend who has found someone he thinks he can be happy with.  I will pray that God look at the cracks in my own heart and I will pray to be less of a hotter mess... some day.  That's all for now.

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