I have to be especially careful about what I write today as I'm exhausted. I posted on Facebook that I tend to do and say stupid things when I'm tired. I have two dating profiles open on two sites. I'm deliberating closing one come September and the other one is in January. The one I like is the one I'm thinking about closing. The other one I'm stuck in because I signed up for it... when I was tired and now I'm stuck till January. See what I mean?
I think that the issues that I have with the sites have something to do with what I'm putting out there. I get attention. I do Well, on one site I get attention. However, I get negative attention. Well... it's not negative. Despite the clarity with which I write my profiles, men tend to focus on the pictures. Apparently I'm... sexy. Oh Gosh!!! I'm rolling my eyes even as I'm writing this. I'm not sexy!!! I'm a goofball. Maybe I'm attractive. I have changed my pictures and I promise that I'm not wearing anything sexy. I'm fully dressed. I'm considering doing an Amish photo shoot, no offense to the Amish.
I wonder what I'm putting out there. I think it's hard to sell a good personality via online. Then there is the chunkiness. I am okay talking about it. I'm thick as a sirloin and pretty unapologetic about it. Is it common for chunky women to have good personalities? I don't know. I'm wondering if I take pictures with no make up in my pajamas if I would have better luck then the pictures that are up now. Some of them I put up are the ones that I was on vacation. You see, I don't care. I just want to be me. I want to be seen for me. I want to be seen for the sharp tongue Elle. I want to be seen for the me without a lick of make up on. The funny Elle that has a severe Dorito addiction.
I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I want to be seen the way that Oz saw Willow for the first time. She was dressed in a costume and he saw her. He saw her for who she was. I think that when I met Santi, he saw me too. And here is the real honest truth... there is a part of me that really does not believe that lightening strikes twice. It's not about me really because I'm sure that I'm fine no matter what happens. The real issue is waiting, waiting and trusting that God has a good plan for my life. It all comes back to this. I need to work on this in my relationship with God. I'm praying that God works with my unbelief. Maybe that is what I'm putting out there.