Friday, August 16, 2019

Moving On

There is a time when you agree to meet friends for coffee or tea.  You show up first if you are like me.  Then you wait.  Someone else shows and maybe another person and then there is the three of you waiting.  How long do you wait for?  If you are waiting for a movie, you inevitably go to the movie.  You hope they are okay.  You move on. 

I didn't know this, well... I did know it but I didn't know that I knew it.  I didn't know that I was waiting for someone, just in case, before I moved on officially with my life.  I did the dating thing and I learned so much about men my age.  All of them go to the gym.  All of them like to hike and be outdoors.  All of them think they want smart, assertive women, who, by the way, go to the gym and are fit, just like they pretend to be.  Some of them think they want a friend but I'm telling you, they don't.  I think that I admired those who were explicit in their expectations even as I reported and blocked them.  At least they were interested and honest about it, even if I didn't agree.  But, how long do I wait? 

You see, I understand how I am changing.  My experiences help form my personality and I am growing by the grace of God.  My concern is: will there be space for someone later.  There is also a confession underneath all of my supposed concern.  I confess that I was hoping to have someone to walk beside.  I'm finding that being a provider and a single mother is heavy on my own, some days.  I will tell you that I know for a fact that I am not alone.  I will tell you that I have God on my side.  I know this.  This is my truth and my rock.  I cling to this.  But there are some days that I allow myself to float on the sea of feelings and doubt and all I feel is what I feel.  Yes, I swim back to the Rock of my Salvation... eventually but it can be difficult. 

Moving on entails no longer waiting or hoping that someone will come along.  Yes, just like waiting for a friend, there is a bit of disappointment and care.  You hope that they are okay.  But maybe the plan is for there to be only God and my friends and family.  I turn and I walk my path, modelling good living for my children.  If someone shows up that wants to walk our path with us then, so be it.  But, I'm no longer waiting for someone to come.  I am following my path and concentrating on who God wants me to be. 

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