I'm in the process of changing. I'm discovering this new version of myself as I'm doing it. You see, I've been thinking of who I am now. Who is this Elle who does not have another half? At first, I'll be honest, it is so hard to think of who you are without the reminder of who you are missing. Now that I'm reinventing myself, I find that I am not who I thought I was.
On the same topic, I am aging. I had this whole other post trying to explain aging but I think I can embed the idea in this post. Years ago, when I turned thirty (and started using moisturizer), I came to the conclusion that I have to be more than just being pretty. Actually, the idea started earlier. I struggled with conventional ideas of beauty as an adolescent. I said to myself, "Who wants popular and thin when you can have an authentic mess?" Okay. So I didn't say that but I was thinking along these lines as I questioned society's ideas of beauty. Then, when I hit thirty, That's when I made the decision of not worrying about aging. Here I am almost halfway to a hundred and I'm dealing with identity. I find I have to remind myself that I am not about what I look like or what I do. I am a Child of God and I have to be about this first.
Okay, so... let me talk about using things. As I move toward greater understanding, I am discovering that even in the brief time that I have been a widow, I am changing. This surprises me. I'm not recognizing myself. I feel like I'm Whoopi Goldberg as Rita Miller in "Ghost." I have to ask out loud if I like things or have things. I look at my things and I'm like, "Why do I have these shoes? I don't even like them."
When I was in my twenties, I went to Bergdorf Goodman. I remember buying this beautiful lipstick from Chanel. It made me feel so special. I loved it. So I saved it to wear on special occasions. One day, I had a special occasion. I went to wear it and it was so stale I had to throw it out. I think of this story all of the time. Now as I go through my things, I realize that I need to use things and if I don't plan on using it then I need to throw it away or give it away. Maybe I even need to sell things. When I get stuck, I think about this Bible verse:
"For everything in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." I John 2:16-17.
I can't be about what I want. I have to be about what God wants.
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