Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Silence and Waiting

There is a lot swirling around my head these days.  I have not been really active in any decision making. I know that transition is coming.  I had spoken about transitions last year.  I'm still in a holding pattern.  It takes me a while to process things and to make decisions.  I would even say that I have very poor decision making skills.  Me?  I like to wait.  

This brings me to "Hamilton" and some thoughts.  This musical/play/movie has obviously affected me.  I have seen it several times.  The song that affects me most has to do with the antagonist, Aaron Burr.  I think I appreciate Burr's story almost as much as I appreciate Hamilton's.  I am reminded of Salieri and Mozart when "Amadeus" came out.  "Wait For It" is the song that I keep thinking about.  Burr and I have something in common.  We wait.  I was taught that good things come to those who wait.  

When I was younger, a teenager, I was just starting puberty when I discovered my mouth.  James didn't lie in his Epistle when he talked about the tongue and how it can get you in trouble.  My mouth was always writing checks that I couldn't cash.  Afterwards, I would feel... bad.  I would think about the things I said and I knew that I couldn't take them back.  Was this the person that I wanted to be?  Did I want to be someone who had a big mouth?  My father would recite to me in Spanish, Proverbs 17:28 "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues." It took me a while but I had to learn how to control my mouth.

I heard this thing that said something like, "Is it kind?  Is it meaningful?  Is it worth it?"  Someone would say something and I would have the words burning in my mouth.  The words were burning.  I finally learned to be clever and quick with my quips only to leave the words in my brain.  I had to learn how to tell myself stop.  Then I had to ask, "Is it kind?"  I would argue with myself.  "This is too good to keep in my head!!!"  "No."  Was the response.  I want to think it was the Holy Spirit telling me no.  

I had this boyfriend when I was much younger.  I won't say his name but he was quiet.  I misinterpreted his silence for deep pensive thought.  I told myself that he was a smart thinker.  I filled in his narrative for him. It turned out that he was not a deep thinker.  He was a selfish man who didn't speak because he lacked the communication skills.  My father had been right, even a fool is thought wise if he keeps his mouth shut.  

These days, I am slow to speak.  I ask myself if this is a good thing.  Should I have a response?  Then another verse from James comes to me. "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."  James 1:19-20

There are times when I feel bad waiting.  I'm a teacher.  I have had better times waiting than being active or making a decision.  Of course, there are times when a decision needs to be had, but for the most part, waiting has served me well.  Having a teen screaming with tears and rage at me.  They curse me out.  My response is to rage back.  But then... I pause.  Stop.  I tell myself.  "Is it kind?"  I thank God for those times when I have kept silent instead of reacting.  My favorite, Psalm 37 teaches me to wait on God.  The only active thing to do is pray.

There have been days that I sit down and say, "I should be doing something."  Should I?  I think there is something there that makes me feel like I am not doing anything but then again, I pray and wait.  God is working in my waiting.  Praise the Lord.

No comments:

Post a Comment