Monday, March 9, 2020

Not Okay

Busy Busy Busy Bee that I am.  The plan was for the busyness to take over thoughts of losing my husband.  There was a plan in place.  I think it was working.  I'm looking at a picture of him right now.  I can almost hear his voice.  I can almost go back in time.  I can almost even touch his hand.  I forgot that grief will come regardless of what you do to hold it off. 

Today it came leaking out of my eyes as I drove to work today.  I felt it in my walk.  It wasn't all bad.  It isn't all bad!!!  I ate some broccoli at lunch and I felt better.  I want to blame it, this feeling, on something.  I blamed lack of proper nutrition.  I blamed lack of rest.  I blamed the ending of the quarter and the full moon coming.  I can blame the devil, that serpent.  I can blame myself for not planning enough.  Would it all make a difference?  There were small moments, minutes really where I felt alone and scared. 

I reached out and asked for prayers.  Even now this is hard to write.  Why?  Because I want to be okay.  I want to be fine and I'm not.  Today there is every possibility that I am not okay and I need to hide in the cleft that is the Rock of my salvation.  I'm a strong willed woman.  I have faith in God.  I have waited in the Lord.  I have praised His Name in pain, in suffering.  I will even do it right now.  I don't want pity.  I want to turn my face to God.  I want to believe that He is greater than all of my troubles.  I want to pray and know, KNOW, that my Great God hears me. 

This is not a post I am proud of.  This isn't even a post I would like to write and publish and have other eyes see.  But I want to point you to God.  You who are reading this.  You who have had not so great days yourself.  You who are suffering.  You who have lost.  You who are in need in of sunny days and laughter.  I want to point you to the God that I serve.   You are not alone and you don't need to stay alone. 

Psalm 30:4-5
"Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.  For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

So... I'm waiting.  I'm waiting on God.  Praise the Lord!!!

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