Saturday, March 21, 2020

Not Claustrophobic

As a child, I remember loving small spaces.  My grandmother had these end tables with slats.  I loved hiding in there.  In fact, I told someone recently that I loved hiding.  I loved hanging out in my closet.  I used to play Hide and Go Seek with my mother.  I remember hiding in the small 70s style wicker hamper.  I would put clothes on top to make it seem authentic.  I remember hiding so quietly that my mother became frantic when she couldn't find me and I heard her calling my father at work panicked that I had escaped.  There were times that I would hide from her and I would practice being so quiet and so still, I think it was just a little mean that I wouldn't tell my poor mother about my hiding.  Again, she would call my father. 

I was obsessed with small things.  My favorite coin was the dime because it is the smallest (I have another story about dimes that I will need to tell later).  Where did this come from?  I saw a Thumbelina movie.  She slept in a walnut shell.  I used to like to take the little babies from the baby showers and pretend they were her.  I loved small things.  I wanted a doll house and I wanted to fill it with miniature furniture.  I thought it would be easy to travel.  I thought it would be cozy to sleep in a walnut shell. 

At some point, I developed a fear of vampires.  I remember lying in bed and I would practice being very still... with a scarf around my neck, for the vampires.  I thought that if they thought I was dead, they wouldn't want to bite me.  I could get lost in the blankets and pretend I was part of the bedding.

I liked small spaces so much that when I saw a movie of a girl who was buried in a small space, I thought, "That's not so bad."  I was a strange girl with some very strange ideas.  I lived in New York City but I loved greenery and I think I believed in fairies.  Small creatures that you wished upon.  I was an only child with a sick mom.  I was good being by myself.  I drew pictures and wrote stories.  I had not one but two imaginary friends.  I liked to read strange books and I loved being weird all by myself. 

All of this to say that I am not claustrophobic... but I am feeling slightly confined.   Not only that, I'm learning a lot about myself.  Stuff I didn't really want to learn.  In between my girlhood and now, I was with my best friend for 24 years.  Before that there was Joanne, my best friend before Santi.  We have known each other our whole lives.  Now my best friends, including Joanne, have their own lives.  I have to get used to being by myself again.  It takes a pandemic in order to face myself.  God works in mysterious ways.  I don't know if I want to face myself.  I think the real issue is that I want to run away from the strange isolated little girl I once was.  I'm going to stop now.  I have to figure out stuff.  Be safe people.  God bless you.

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