I'm not trying to be crass so I apologize right off of the bat if you are offended. I'll explain. Usually on the weekdays, I get dressed, put on my foundation undergarment and go about my day. When I get home AND I know that I'll stay home, I take off of the foundation undergarment to signal that I am home for the night. You may not know this but I am, at this moment, disclosing a piece of female psychology. Once the bra is off, we are home for the night. Even on Sunday, when I am going to take a nap and I am going to go back out, the foundation undergarment stays on.
I have been dating, sort of. I think I'm sort of hoping to date. This is what happens. Because no one meets organically anymore, I'm on these lousy dating apps. A guy shows that he likes your profile or you show that you like a guy's profile and then there is the possibility of a chat. Then your chat game has to be on point because if not then you end up falling into a chat hole, a conversational lull in the chat conversation. It's hard to come back from that. These attempts at connection then become part of your trophy line. I don't care for trophies.
When I first started dating, way back in June, I met this guy that I never met. His name was Steve. I never met him but we got to talking and he gave me advice. He really wanted to meet. I didn't understand why. He said that it was tedious meeting someone, making a connection, however tenuous, then having it fail to start over again. I didn't understand but I understand now. Steve was right. It is tedious.
Today I was talking to Esther and we were talking about when and how to stop. It was hard to explain to her. I had to use the bra analogy. I'm waiting and hoping but soon, I'll stop and I'll take off my foundation undergarment and make my way as a single person. I'll buy a single bed to replace my queen size one. I'll downsize my life and I will start to live a single life.
Here is something that I will confess as I think about it all. I'm scared. I'm scared of loneliness. I'm scared of losing my job and then losing everything. It's hard to be the only one. I was hoping to have someone to walk on this road with but it's late afternoon and there is every chance that I am not going to go anywhere without a bra so... This fear has me creating an idol, an idol of love. Man, that was hard to write!!! In my many imaginings, I haven't pictured myself on my own.
"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes; For the LORD will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught."
"But seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
Okay, Elle, don't be afraid!!! Trust in God and just be happy living my life as it is. Praise God!!!!