This morning I woke up and was thankful even though I woke up with a cough and definite chest congestion. I would have to take care for this New Year's Eve. A warning to take care for the new year, 2020. I read some posts already on how 2019 was not the greatest of years. Having had a really bad 2018 and coming out of my emotional fog into 2019, I would have to agree. I felt all of the lumps in 2019. I wasn't in a fog... for the most part.
Let me explain...
I was never the best at bumper cars. It takes me a minute to figure things out adequately. My first experiences with the bumper cars, I would get in, get ready and just go around. The guy would always have to come and help me out. A few times, embarrassingly enough, he would have to ride with me in the car. This was my 2019. I got into the car but a lot of the time I was going around sort of frantic and sort of figuring things out but definitely going in circles.
Now, I when I think of 2020, I think of Justin Timberlake. I think of his album 20/20 volume 1 and 2. These are not my favorite but they include my favorite song of his, "Mirrors." There is that one line that says "Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery." This line reminds me to be present. You see, I spent a good portion of 2019 reflecting about what happened and wondering/worrying about what will happen. I blinked and my children rose towering above me. It was an instant that they seemed to have changed and I almost, almost missed it.
I had to separate the Elle that I was with my husband to figure out the Elle I am without him. I mean: "Do I like red lipstick or did I wear it because he liked me in red lipstick?" I know what you are thinking, "Elle, come on!!! You really don't know?" I don't know if you're married or have ever been married but there are a hundred different compromises that you make because you don't mind and that change you. I did this while going to school and working in a school. I did this while trying to raise two children in tween and teen-hood. I did this while trusting God to get everything done because I had figured out that I was on another level tired doing everything by myself instead of with someone else. I had to learn to be alone. That is the part that is hard, Friends.
You don't think about this if you are with someone. There is a permission to touch someone. It is strange to just reach out your hand and hold someone else's. Even now with my children, I go to pat their backs or rub their heads and sometimes, I am thwarted. When you put your head on someone else's shoulder, this simple act of intimacy requires a matching up and acquiescence of time and space. I will lean on my son's shoulder and I know that my time on that shoulder is limited, in more ways than one. He will push me away past a minute. I can feel it in the stiffness of his pose. Try it, think of all of the ways you would have to ask for something that you take for granted. I hope this allows you to be more grateful for what you have in the coming year.
I am thankful. I have found words. I think about how it all started, my excess of words. I would complain about having too much to say and I would theorize why they were here. They haven't left me. I continue to write. I am going so far as to say that I am a writer. You have no idea how happy I am in saying this. I truly thought that I was left with nothing, but no, God in His infinite mercy left me with words. I am thankful for you, Dear Reader as we enter into the new year. Thank you for taking moments out of your day to read the hotter mess that I have before me. And it's all a mess!!! It is with this resolve that I plan to be an even bigger, hotter mess. Let's see what God is going to do with it all. As always, Praise the Lord!!!