Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Reflecting on 2019

This morning I woke up and was thankful even though I woke up with a cough and definite chest congestion.  I would have to take care for this New Year's Eve.  A warning to take care for the new year, 2020.  I read some posts already on how 2019 was not the greatest of years.  Having had a really bad 2018 and coming out of my emotional fog into 2019, I would have to agree.  I felt all of the lumps in 2019.  I wasn't in a fog... for the most part.

Let me explain...

I was never the best at bumper cars.  It takes me a minute to figure things out adequately.  My first experiences with the bumper cars, I would get in, get ready and just go around.  The guy would always have to come and help me out.  A few times, embarrassingly enough, he would have to ride with me in the car.  This was my 2019.  I got into the car but a lot of the time I was going around sort of frantic and sort of figuring things out but definitely going in circles. 

Now, I when I think of 2020, I think of Justin Timberlake.  I think of his album 20/20 volume 1 and 2.  These are not my favorite but they include my favorite song of his, "Mirrors." There is that one line that says "Yesterday's history.  Tomorrow's a mystery." This line reminds me to be present.  You see, I spent a good portion of 2019 reflecting about what happened and wondering/worrying about what will happen.  I blinked and my children rose towering above me.  It was an instant that they seemed to have changed and I almost, almost missed it. 

I had to separate the Elle that I was with my husband to figure out the Elle I am without him.  I mean: "Do I like red lipstick or did I wear it because he liked me in red lipstick?"  I know what you are thinking, "Elle, come on!!!  You really don't know?"  I don't know if you're married or have ever been married but there are a hundred different compromises that you make because you don't mind and that change you.  I did this while going to school and working in a school.  I did this while trying to raise two children in tween and teen-hood.  I did this while trusting God to get everything done because I had figured out that I was on another level tired doing everything by myself instead of with someone else.  I had to learn to be alone. That is the part that is hard, Friends.

You don't think about this if you are with someone.  There is a permission to touch someone.  It is strange to just reach out your hand and hold someone else's.  Even now with my children, I go to pat their backs or rub their heads and sometimes, I am thwarted.  When you put your head on someone else's shoulder, this simple act of intimacy requires a matching up and acquiescence of time and space.  I will lean on my son's shoulder and I know that my time on that shoulder is limited, in more ways than one.  He will push me away past a minute.  I can feel it in the stiffness of his pose.  Try it, think of all of the ways you would have to ask for something that you take for granted.  I hope this allows you to be more grateful for what you have in the coming year.

I am thankful.  I have found words.  I think about how it all started, my excess of words.  I would complain about having too much to say and I would theorize why they were here.   They haven't left  me.  I continue to write.  I am going so far as to say that I am a writer.  You have no idea how happy I am in saying this.  I truly thought that I was left with nothing, but no, God in His infinite mercy left me with words.  I am thankful for you, Dear Reader as we enter into the new year.  Thank you for taking moments out of your day to read the hotter mess that I have before me.  And it's all a mess!!!  It is with this resolve that I plan to be an even bigger, hotter mess.  Let's see what God is going to do with it all.  As always, Praise the Lord!!!

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