I think that I have been drifting. Instead of living, I have been surviving. I don't know when it started happening. I know that exhaustion is what started it. Maybe it was when I got sick and I had trouble getting back to myself. And then I forgot to hope. And then it got ugly...
It's a balance. I understand this. I need to balance my grief with joy; discipline with rest; love with caution. I need to respect this balance in my life but it isn't always easy. I think about trying to balance myself in yoga. A little bit this way and I fall to the left; a little bit that way and I fall to the right. Either way, I'm falling. In looking back, I could sense when I was shifting. It was that type of season. Was it bad? Was I depressed? Did I cry? Did I miss my husband? My answer to all of these inquiries is: Yes. I wasn't always in a funk. I wasn't always crying. It isn't like that. I was tired. I let the tiredness win. When you get that tired, you think you will always be tired and you'll never feel rested again. If you let it, then, there is a chance that you WILL never feel rested again.
When I was pregnant with David and with Janet, I was so heavy. It was so hard to walk. I remember walking everywhere when I was younger and here I was heavy with baby and having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. I remember being so sad because I was under the impression that I was never going to be able to walk normally again. I couldn't see it possible then. I had my babies. I was able to walk and run again. It was only a season.
I'm a happy person. I have always been a happy person. I bask in the faith and glory that I have God with me. I am His daughter. When I walk I walk conscious of the fact that I am the daughter of a King. Not just any king, I am the daughter of the King of kings. I think that if you look hard enough, you can see my crown. I am not a spoiled daughter. I am a soldier daughter who fights for her Father's Kingdom. I don't stress because I remember that this life is too short to stress out about and I have a Father who rescues His children. But for a moment, I forgot about this.
I love the faith of children and princesses. "Just you wait!!! My Daddy will come and He will make mincemeat out of you!" Princesses are never surprised when their Rescuers arrive. For just a moment, I laid down and I said, "I will stay here." I was scared to ever hope for anything again. But then...
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures." James 1: 17-18
I am saved!!! In more ways than just one, in every way, I am saved!!! And not only this, I am safe. I know what you are thinking, "How did this happen, Elle?" Easy, it happens so easily. Keep your eyes on Dad, Kiddoes. Remember what's important in this war. And never lose hope.