Reprioritizing

 It is only now that I am considering some of my very bad habits.  In my last post, I wrote about my weight loss journey and this whole thing has me rethinking about what is important to me, what is important in my life.  For years, I have thought about the things that I wanted.  It is hard to write the hard things.  I initially set up this blog as therapy, and in order for therapy to be successful, I have to talk/write about the hard things.  As a girl and as a young adult, I wanted to be thin, thin and not healthy.  I wanted nice things because I thought that the nice things were indicative of a nice life.  Now, I just want a nice life and there is no need for evidence.  I am not living for other people.  I live not even for myself.  I am living for God.  

I am a shop-o-holic.  I remember going to stores with my parents and I would ask for a small thing.  I knew I would get it if it were small.  I loved my tiny treasures that I had no real need for.  This is when it started.  My mother would buy me shoes despite the fact that every day I wore uniform shoes.  I loved when my father would take me shopping for an event.  Like now, we would get a complete outfit for events like Easter or Christmas.  This meant: dress, shoes, hosiery, purse, accessories. It was a big deal for someone who wore a uniform for the majority of her life.  The other day I was talking to my daughter, and I mentioned Easter outfits.  She reminded me that Easter was not about the outfits.  This economy does not allow for a lot of shopping.  As I look around, I find that I may have too much and it is time that I scale back.  I wonder how much I have spent on trinkets. 

Online shopping is the worst.  I feel like I hit that "Buy now" button with no remorse.  Later, after the euphoria of tracking my package and having it arrive, I think about the wisdom of buying frivolities.  They are so cute, and I love the high of saving had I bought the item someplace else.  At least when I was in a store, I had a strategy.  I would walk around looking at everything.  Processing everything that was there.  I would get a cart and walk around with things and then slowly put them back and leave without a thing.  Harder to do online than in person.  

Who is God?  What is His character like? I find myself reprioritizing.  I'm trying to lose weight, and it is hard.  It is hard being hungry with Doritos in the pantry at night.  Even now, I hear them call to me.  It is almost like I can taste them.  I get sleepy hungry.  The other night I was half asleep and I ate my heart's content.  The next day I felt super heavy and sluggish.  I drink tea.  I drink more water.  There is no eating while on the fast.  The intermittent fasting works.  I visualize myself thinner but no matter what I think I will look like; it will not be like the actuality of the matter.  

God reminds me in Matthew 6.  The Word admonishes me to not worry about anything.  The penultimate verse in the chapter states, "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  God reminds us in the next verse, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  The truth of the matter is that I am worried.  I do get anxious.  My bad habits are evidence of my not trusting in God.  I will continue to pray for further introspection. Until then, praise God!

The Worst-Case Scenarios

 I'm a teacher.  Currently, I teach 6th through 8th grade self-contained classroom.  My students have very specific needs.  I'm trying to be careful as I write because I want to protect them and really, this post is not about them.  I have people that work with me and this past week, some of them were let go.  They are good people.  I'm actively praying for them to find a better way.  

There is talk about my school closing.  Keep it open and the margin for comfort goes down significantly.  Should the school close then my program would move to another building.  Allegedly, my program would move anyway.  My vote is to move but there are so many other teachers and parents that are fighting for the school to stay open.  I get it.  When there was talk of my little A school that my wonderful kids went to, I was fit to be tied.  I wrote emails and I tried to let the media know.  I was livid at the thought that my kid's perfect little school was closing, and they were talking about sending my darling children to the worst school in the district.  At the end of the day, they ended up going to the much farther music school that was the compromise.  All this to say that I understand their thoughts.

The whole thing reminds me of God telling the Israelites to move and a remnant to stay when it came to the Babylonian takeover.  Don't we all love the status quo?  Don't we love the thought of what is known?  There is a part of us that can't imagine the worst-case scenario.  Well, I sit here typing just to tell you that worst-case scenarios happen all of the time.

What is there to help us navigate it all?  What is there to help us understand when our brains don't let us?  What do we do when the worst thing that can happen, happens?  I'll tell you what I have done.  I pray.  I call out to God, the Triune God.  If the school closes... If we don't get the job... If we can't pay a bill or bills...  Do yourself a favor, pray.  Believe that there is a God who can help you and pray.  

Right now, I find myself praying about opportunities.  I think that this is an adequate prayer too.  I pray that instead of facing worry, I should pray.  When I am not enough, I need to pray.  And after all of that prayer, I will praise my Good God who walks with me when I'm going through the valley of the shadow of death.  Praise the Lord!

The Weight-Loss Journey

 I am on a weight-loss journey.  I have lost about 80 pounds.  I started this journey at the end of 2022.  It has been about 2 full years.  Last year I had some trouble with my thyroid, and I was really stuck at a certain weight for about 6 months.  I was placed on thyroid medication, and I think I am at the right dosage.  

I have gone through so many clothes. Even now as I'm typing, I know that I will have to go through most of the clothes in my closet.  I am not even close to my goal weight.  I sometimes find myself standing in the closet just looking at my clothing collection.  I don't try on everything because I know that there are many clothes that will not fit.  I don't know about you but there are many clothes that I have come to love.  I have so many clothes and shoes.  These clothes are bound to not fit me in a few years.  Here is the question: What clothes will represent me when I reach my goal weight? What would I look like?  Who will I be?  Already I am changing.  I am one of those people who cross her legs. I am one of those people who sit cross legged on the bed talking with my handsome husband.  I couldn't do that before.  

There are aspects of this weight loss journey that is psychological.  There are aspects that are hard.  I find that I am harder on myself than anyone else.  I like to push myself.  This whole thing is a learning experience.  I am not just physically changing; I am changing parts of who I am.  I think I'm looking forward to looking different.  And yet, I am aging.  I tell myself that I am a Boho Viejita Baddie.  I like this image of myself in rompers of differing colors.  I have taken to wearing headbands and funky earrings.  I like the edgy boho look of the 90s.  I find myself wearing black tights and boots with skirts and t-shirts.  The quintessential teacher look that seems to become me fine.

Who knows how I will redo my closet?  Who knows what clothes I will gravitate to?  I am reinventing myself and I don't really have to know now, do I?  In any case, Praise the Lord!

Aging Hurts

 I wish there was a warning label on aging.  I wish they would sell stickers to put on mirrors reminding the observer that things are only going to get worse.  Aging hurts.  This is something I didn't expect.  I'm not talking about the aches and pains associated with aging.  I'm not a fan of rain because my knees creak and ache when it rains. This is bad enough, but there's more!  The physical pain doesn't seem to shine a light compared to the psychological effects of knowing that there is every possibility that I have lived most of my life already.  

All of a sudden, I feel the need to show that I have lived a worthy life.  I want my little, tiny strand of a life to matter, but to who?  Even now in my August age, I am attempting to be validated.  I should tell you about my rockstar dreams.  It was through my relationship to God that I learned that I had already been validated thousands of years ago when my Savior died on a wooden cross to that I may be free.  

I need to shift my paradigm.  The wrinkles and loose skin that I encounter in the mirror.  The gray hair that I am always fighting pops up and asks, "Did you miss me?"  I didn't. I start the whole game of hide and seek again.  When I don't, people (like this one well-intentioned woman) assume that I am already retired.  Cashiers ask if I would like the senior discount.  When she asked me, I was tempted to tell her no because I would rather not save money than to be confused with one of the AARP ilk.  I'm finding that I am vain.  I wish you could hear the onslaught of humility in my voice, and it echoes in my head in stereo.  I am vain, an admission of guilt.  

I need to be okay with getting older.  I am loved by a good God even while I am aging.  Even being post-menopausal.  If I don't write the great American novel, I am still loved by a good God.  Every day that I grow older is another step toward my inevitable demise.  I am closer to God each step I take.  I should not be worried about all of the stuff that I haven't done.  I need to be concerned with living my life for Christ so I can be presented as worthy through grace of God alone.  It's a lot, I know.  I have to hear this so I write it.  

Instead of watching what is coming.  I am going to praise God through all of my pain.  I'm going to live in today instead of trying to peek at what is coming tomorrow.  Today is what it is but whatever happens, God is control.  Praise the Lord!

A Birthday and a Funeral

I had a conversation today with a woman who was slightly older than me.  The topic of our conversation?  Menopause.  When did I become menopausal?  I feel like just yesterday I was graduating from high school.  I was hoping to fall in love.  I wondered who I would marry.  Yesterday, we celebrated my daughter's 17th birthday.  17 is a number that I look upon favorably.  It's a number that pops up and I become happy.  I don't want to call it my lucky number because the only year that I have lived through that had a 17 was the second worst year of my life.  However, I want to feel optimistic now that my baby girl has made it to this incredible age.

This is her last year before she becomes an adult.  It's times like these that I envy those who have five or six children.  I have 364 days before I become the mother of adults.  Why does this hurt so much?  It makes me want to start a support group: Mothers of Adult Children.  I look at my beautiful baby girl and I wonder how many moments I have left with her being a kid.  I'm counting them out.  I'm taking pictures.  I am taking advice from my friend; Benito and I'm taking all of the pictures I can.  I collect souvenirs to remind myself of how I had babies once.  What did parents do before Facebook memories?  Pictures pop up and make me remember and I am so thankful for all of it.  

Not long ago, a friend of mine passed away.  Her funeral is coming up mid-February.  I am not so sure that I can go.  I miss my friend dearly.  I remember the conversations that we have had.  Honestly, I can't believe that she is gone.  

All of this is making me face the shortness of life.  It goes by unbelievably fast.  Ferris Bueller was right.  If we don't stop and look around, we may miss it all.  Are you spending more time being thankful or do you spend your time complaining?  Are you allowing yourself to be someone who is loveable?  We all want to be loved when we are at our worst.  What if we don't allow ourselves to be our worst?  What if we make ourselves be the people that people want to love?  Not that we aren't already.  Seeing my life through my daughter and my friend.  I am thankful to God to have allowed me such a life.  It has been scary and hard but He has been with me every second of every day.  I have never felt alone.  So my prayer is to live this life that God has given me. I want to make sure that the time I have left is in giving and living a big life.  Whatever dreams I have left, I need to pray them.  I need to try and when I die, when and not if, I will die trying to do the best that I can.  As always, praise the Lord!

Just Write

 I fear that I am the kind of person who doesn't always finish things. I am very stubborn.  I find that I can be very capable, but I can be inconsistent.  I, like many other humans, tend to overthink things.  I have a value for words, and I believe that there is a power in the ability to communicate and communicate well.  The person who has a silver tongue is a person with a truly valuable skill.

I had to look into the mirror recently and I had to call myself a name I am not sure that I have earned.  I had to call myself... a storyteller.  I am a storyteller teacher.  I have lived stories and I have heard stories.  I believe in the power of stories so to call myself a storyteller is a self-possessed title I am not sure that I am worthy of.  After all the history of the world began with the noble title of storyteller. 

And so... when I have the keyboard and the blank page before me, it is with trepidation that I start typing.  There are days when I wonder when the words will come from and then they appear as if from the sky.  There are words that when I read them back, I wonder if it was me or if I'm just a conduit.  Honestly, sometimes it is when I'm not even trying that I find that it is easier to write.  Either way, I am convincing myself to stop being in my own head and just write.  Am I worthy?  I tell you clearly that I am not but write I must anyway.  It is with thankfulness that I hear the melody that is my fingers hitting the keys.  It is with the most grateful heart that I write that which is written in my head, on my heart.  Maybe being worthy doesn't come into it at all.  Maybe this writing business has more to do with listening to the Creator of all things and being a mirror image of Him by writing.  I am but an instrument.  I then should be the instrument.  I mean, a piano has no problem being a piano.  It stands waiting for the music to pour forth through it.  Likewise, as an instrument, I will wait until the artistry of God pours forth through me in my very human hands.  

So then, not to write would be in this instance, an act of disobedience and a waste of potential which is such a horrendous sin.  Imagine the singer that does not sing because they are shy, and he or she denies the world of its brilliant voice because of his or her self-consciousness.  Is this an act of ego that holds someone back from doing something good and noble?  There is every possibility that this is all in my head and if it is then I am just a mad woman writing about nothing.  Either way, my writing, does no harm.  And so, I will do what I am called to do, and I will continue to just write.  Either way, praise the Lord!

Happy New Year Writing

 I have a thing with resolutions.  Last year, none of my family made any resolutions. I made one and failed at it almost immediately.  I spoke about it in the last post but, to be fair, my foot went down one whole shoe size!!!  Of course I needed more shoes!  How was I going to make it with just a few pairs of shoes?  We went hiking and my hiking boots were way too big.  I bought new ones and then I bought a few more pairs of shoes.  It wasn't my fault that I walked through Dillard's when the Clearance shoes was 70% off.

In any case, I made no resolutions.  I am on a weight loss journey, and I am down 70 pounds in 2 short years.  I think that's good, but the struggle has been real!  I will continue with my journey and I'm excited where it will take me.  Last year I had not been reading and I set aside the last year to read and get more into the trending books.  I fell back in love with words.  I love the sound of the keyboard.  I have been trying to get into some stories, and I have been writing more.  I recently remembered a story that happened in 2002, and I had to write it down.  Who knows if I would even remember in a few years what happened in the story.  I need to write while the memories are fresh, and I am in a disposition to write.  

I'm going to tell you that writing give me hope.  I love the idea of having stories and a part of me that lasts beyond my life on this earth.  I realize that my story is not about me but about Jesus.  However, I also believe that the Lord leads us to what He wants us to do with this wonderful life that he has given us.  For this reason, I'm blogging again.  I know that blogging is not the way to go.  I blog for myself.  I blog because I am called to write.  So here I am following the storytelling road and praying that the Lord helps me to write the stories He wants people to hear.  With this in mind, I tell you all, Praise the Lord!!!

The Old Things

 It's the brand-new year and OF COURSE, I'm being reflective about it.  It's so strange the things we end up thinking about. I found myself thinking about the new things that I wanted to surround myself.  Thinking about new habits, new things, new customs.   You know what they say, "Out with the old, in with the new."  As I think about the ecological issues this world is facing with garbage and recycling (this is a post all on its own), I wonder about the actions that I can do both small and big.

My most recent thoughts are not that deep.  I have been using a purse that my late husband bought me a while ago.  Now, if you know me, you know that I have a problem with purses and shoes, but I have been getting better.  This past year, I have only bought like 5 pairs of shoes and for the most part, I had to buy shoes because my foot went down one whole size (I'm so happy about this!).  When I took this particular purse out of the closet, I told myself that I need to use things.  The fact of the matter is that I want to use the things that I own.  I don't want to leave them all in the closet gathering dust.  I think that Santi would want me to use this purse.  Now, I'm looking at this beautiful purse with its leather finishes and its vibrant colors and I see that I have been putting wear and tear on this purse.  I'm not planning on getting rid of the purse yet but the question that inevitably comes up is, "What will I do with it once it's time to change it out?"  I mean, this is a gift.  It was given to me to commemorate a special occasion in our lives.  I am really fond of this purse.  Do I stop using it and put it away to collect dust?  Do I leave it somewhere?  Do I sell it?  Do I use it until it falls apart?  Here is the truth of the matter.  I don't know what to do with it.  If it was a purse that I bought, or that didn't matter that much to me, I would give it away.  I can't seem to do this with this old thing at this time.  

Here is what I need to keep in mind.  God is in control and no matter what, God is what I should be spending my time on.  I tend to spend massive amounts of mental energy on things that don't matter.  I mean, maybe things matter but they don't matter more than God.  I have to just figure out what to do with the purse and maybe just use it until I can't use it anymore because it's a reminder to keep going.  It's a reminder that I was loved by someone who is no longer here, on this plain anymore. Maybe just maybe, I will know what to do with it when that time comes.  But this coming year, I need to focus on things that matter more than on things that don't matter. For that, praise the Lord! 

The Proudest Day

 Honestly, I had thought I had given up on writing this blog.  I have to ask myself if it is even worth writing anymore.  Who am I writing for even?  I remember why I started writing.  I had too many words after my late husband died.  It is easier to write when you are busy processing all of the emotions.  I'm still processing some of it, but it is not like before.  I was writing all of the time.  Now I find that I am writing sporadically.  

Well... today I have something to write about!  Not too long ago, my children, both my daughter and my son, decided to take classes in pursuit of membership at the church.  This is a really adult move on their part.  The last step is their membership PENDING BAPTISM.  I was told this past week that they would be baptized this week.  I don't know what I was thinking but they did great.  They told their testimonies.  They were funny and loving.  Their personalities shown through.  I am so thankful to God for today.  My daughter talked about all of the hard things that she went through.  It turns out that the hard things that she went through led her to God.  My son was gracious.  He kept his testimony short and sweet.  As they went through the process of baptism, I cried.  I stood next to my husband and I think we both just stood there and cried.  

I have prayed for my children to follow God's path and to never depart from it.  Isn't this every parent's prayer?  Even now, I'm praying.  I don't think that I will ever stop praying for my children.  I want them to see them on the other side.  This is the prayer.  That is the dream.  I want to believe that this is the first rung of a long life of following Jesus.  They can do whatever they want, as long as they stay on God's path.  Let them take the narrow road.  Today is sort of like a dream come true.  I am thankful to God and I will continue to pray for their relationship with Jesus.  

As always and especially today, praise the Lord!!!

The Davids in My Life

 I am not one to believe in coincidences.  Yes, I do think that circumstances arise that are more accidental in nature but... not really.  Lately, I have been surrounded by Davids.  They arise out of nowhere.  It just so happens that I tend to pay a lot of attention to Davids because I am the mother of a David.

The plan was not to name my son, David.  I had plans to name him something quirky.  I liked the idea of bringing back a name that had fallen out of fashion.  However, I also thought that my first-born son should have a Biblical name.  We went through, Caleb, Joshua and Christian.  But as a first-year teacher pregnant with her first child, I had a whole host of names NOT to pick from.  Many names were vetoed simply because another child had the name; possibly a child in my class; possibly a child who was challenging.  I'll leave it at that. 

We had settled on Harry James.  I felt that Harry was an old classic throwback type of name.  I thought of Harry Winston.  I imagined him with curly hair and round eyes looking like his dad.  Harry Potter came out and all the plans of naming my baby, Harry went out the window.  Instead, we contemplated other names until we were tired.  I had been listening to Fred Hammond at the time and Fred had done a song similar to the old Spanish corito we used to sing in church about David.  I had thought about incorporating my father somehow as Papi is a beloved figure in my heart.  But Papi's name is kind of big for a baby.  His name was Virgilio, and his nickname was Rafael.  I somehow couldn't fit it in with David.  Dad's favorite movie was "Lorenzo's Oil" and he was enamored of the name.  When my best friend, Joanne had her son and we would watch him, Papi would often call him Lorenzo and I thought that I would use this name somehow to honor my father.  

So, I gave birth to a David.  David was a good strong name.  It means beloved.  I had an aunt who was married to a David.  I went to school with a few David's.  I had a dear friend who is named David Mercado (Love you, Brother).  I look at my son who is almost a man and I think that he looks like a David and no other name would do.  

Lately, I have had Davids coming out of the woodworks.  I prayed for a David last night.  I prayed that this David would receive salvation in the four days he has left of life.  I prayed recently for a dear co-worker who was ill named David.  But I have noticed that the name David appears to be in the wind.  

Coincidence?  Probably not, I am praying for my dear son as he gets ready to turn 18.  It seems impossible to me.  I thought he would look more like his father but instead he looks more like my father.  I pray for his future and for all the things that I didn't teach him and all of the things he just never learned.  I pray for his future wife and his studies.  I pray that someone would love him well and see all the wonderful things that I see in him and more.  He is easier on me than his sister when it comes to aspects of my parenting.  I am so thankful for his grace.  

When you have a chance, pray for the Davids in your life and if you have an extra second, pray for my David and the life he has before him.  May he follow the path of God.  May he know happiness and love.  May the road go well for him and my he attain salvation so that in the hereafter, I may see him again.  Tears spilling down my cheeks as I pray this utterly mother's prayer and I ask with the same mom's heart to bring him up to the throne of God unabashedly.  This is all.  Praise the Lord!

Grace That is More Than Enough

  II Corinthians 12:7-10

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I have been marinating on this Bible passage.  I am having a difficult season.  I could understand going through a hard season to keep me from becoming conceited.  Ego is a huge thing.  It can take over your life and lead you away from your true purpose.  I have seen this more than a few times.  We begin to think that we can do everything on our own.  Humans were made to live in community with each other and with God.  Who are we when we think that we can do everything ourselves with no help?  I mean, isn't this what happened with Adam and Eve in the Garden. They thought they could do it all themselves with no help from the Creator of the Universe.  Who am I?  I can't do everything.  Am I more valuable than anybody else?  Are you?  Honestly, as I think of it, there is every possibility that I am not that special.  

In the same vein, I think about the people that I work with.  I am a teacher.  I wonder every day if anything that I teach will make a difference in this world.  I wonder about the students left in my care.  You may not know this but teaching is rough!  I'm working with pre-teens.  I have friends of mine that dare not tread the path I choose to teach.  Yet... I think about grace.  Grace is a gift that we as humans find hard to give and yet God gives grace freely and he is telling me that it is enough to last me my hardships.  It is enough to last me my hard year.  I can bear with being week and having issues and bad situations because God's grace is enough for me.  If it is enough for me, then it can be enough for you too.  

I'll add another note to illustrate my point.  I turned on the television today and I saw that "A Knight's Tale" was being offered and I recalled the last time I watched this movie.  It was Sunday March 4th, 2018, the day before my son's 12th birthday and two days before my husband and partner of 24 years passed away.  This was the last movie I saw with him and just remembering this one thing brought the grief back.  Pain so sharp that it instantly brings tears to my eyes.  As I sit here now I can fast forward to where I am now.  I don't have to relive that pain.  God has shed His grace on me.  It's true, I can withstand a hard year because God is with me and He has helped and me and He will continue to help me.  He will not forsake me nor abandon me.  This is enough.  God is enough.  Praise the Lord!

Where Have I Been?

 This is the question that I am asking myself.  I have been... transitioning.  I have been transitioning to another life and now I find that I think I need to develop another dream because the dreams that I have had in the past have not served me well.  Let me recount them: 

When I was younger, I thought that I would be rockstar.  There didn't seem to be any doubt in my mind that I would be an entertainer.  I would take those personality quizzes only to find that I would be an excellent teacher.  I ran from teaching with every fiber in my being.  I entertained teaching for a brief time in high school when I thought I would revolutionize the world ala "Dangerous Mind." Alas, I nodded off the idea.  It would come back to me later.

I thought I wanted to be a child psychologist when I was in elementary school.  I thought it would be great to work with children in therapy.  I don't know when this dream left me, but I get to diagnose children, in a way.  

When I went to college, I flirted with the idea of being a teacher again, but I shook my head, and I ran away from teaching.  I felt that God really had to hold me down and leave me with no other resort in order to be an educator.  This year is my 18th year teaching.  This is my second year working in the particular setting I am working with.  If I'm honest with myself, I will tell you that I am tired.  Teaching, this noble profession, wears on the soul.  I find that I am tired of convincing younger students to invest in their own education for their own good.  My motto is, "So that it will go well with you."  Pay attention.  Listen to the lesson.  Do your work.  Be respectful.  Follow instructions.  So. That. It. Will. Go. Well. For. You.  They want what they want regardless of what I tell them.  I don't know how to reach them this year.  I'm praying.  Teaching has become harder somehow.  

And so, I'm marinating in what this harder season is leading me to.  I find that I pray more.  This is always a good thing.  This summer I struggled finding the voice of the Shepherd.  I am reading the Bible more.  I need to find my center at all times.  I need to remember what is important in this short life. 

I feel like I'm coasting and as I'm coasting, I feel the need once again to write.  After all, writing is what makes me happiest.  Maybe that is what can be next.  Maybe I will write the next great American novel.  I'm not sure that I have that kind of story in me.  A student of mine asked me how many stories I had inside of me.  I didn't know what to answer him.  He mentioned that I would do well to write them all down.  Maybe I will... Maybe there is yet more work for me to do.  Let's see what is next. 

End of Year Check In

Today I have spent some of my time emptying the files on my old computer and preparing to end that chapter of my life.  I'm strangely sentimental and I recall all of the memories on a computer.  I bought it and now the life of this electronic mascot is done and somehow, I am sad about it all.  I was explaining the process of emptying my computer almost like moving and preparing for something bigger.  I think it is for this reason that I have not really been writing.  The other thing is that I had a really hard time logging into the blogspot program from my new computer and now that I am officially writing on my new computer, I feel like I can move on.

Last week, I finished my last class.  I remember submitting my last assignment and thinking about how it was my last day as a student.  My sweet husband took me out to dinner to celebrate my first day in 8 years that I am not a student.  Already the stress of time is upon me.  What will I do now that I am not where I thought I would be?  How do you reset your goals and dreams after this semi-setback?  I'm not sure.  I know that I have spent some days resting and catching up with myself now that Christmas is over.  Am I the only one that needs this?  I need to become reacquainted with the me that I actually am.  I think it is funny as I'm writing this but I also think that these internal conversations need to happen in order to be mentally healthy.  

I went to the doctor and I am preparing for 2023 to be a year of health.  I'm excited about preparing which is important to me.  Strangely, I have been taking it easy.  I am trying to fall back into the things that I used to love.  I used to love to read.  I love to journal.  I love pens and I find that I have started coloring.  I'm thankful for the opportunity.  

I am also finding that my children display things that I tend to like.  My son likes to shop, just like his momma.  My daughter loves books and writing and the race is one to see who will be published first.  Now that there is a little more time and a little less stress about having to do too much, I need to readjust to it all.

I am hopeful for a good 2023.  As a rule, odd years have been kinder to me than even years.  I am hoping and praying for a great 2023 for me and my family.  I hope you as well have a great 2023.  I am thankful that you are with me on this journey of mental health and happiness.  As always, Praise the Lord!

Ducks in a Row

 I got a new computer.  Right now I am not using it.  I am looking at it while typing on my old one.  I look at how broken in the old one is.  This new one isn't even heavy!  How is it supposed to hold all of my thoughts?  It has no weight to it!   There are not a million and one things on the home page that I don't need.  When did computers get so streamlined?  I feel like a dinosaur looking at this thing.  It didn't take any time at all to load up.  I find it now that I have to get used to new things.

My husband was talking to me about the plans that we have for after this last class occurs and I find that I have to be honest with myself.  What would it be like to come home and not have to do homework?  I find that I miss the research and the worry.  I find myself thinking of looking things up.  I won't have to feel guilty about reading any more.  I could go on walks and work out.  My husband has already claimed my work out time after work.  Who will I be if I'm not an academic?  

I have been dreaming dreams again.  I forgot that I was a dreamer.  I loved making plans and attempting new things.   As I get my ducks in a row, I can remember who I am again.  I find myself reading books.  I buy them and will bring them home with the hopes of reading them.  I look at crochet and knitting projects online.  I have a hobby again.  I can start stretching and working toward my yoga.  I have time and great need for this, especially as I grow older.  Is it too late?  Am I too old to dream dreams again?

I'm dreaming anyway.  There is still a lot of life left in me.  I am learning from my cat, Midnight.  He was at death's door and now I am thrilled to see him fighting every day.  Every day I hug him and I love on him.  Every day with him fighting is a precious gift.  I am committed to loving him for as long as he is on this earth.  He has taught me to fight for each day as well.  This means reading the Bible more.  This means praying more.  This means loving more.  God has a plan for me.  It didn't go according to my plan but according to His plan.  For that, Friends, I am grateful.  Praise the Lord!

The End of an Era

 It started a few months.  I was getting notices on my computer.  I really didn't pay attention.  I would shut down the window ignoring or just glancing at the notices.  That is until I really looked at what it said and it told me that past January, Windows was no longer going to provide updates my my computer.  The notice, brash and intrusive told me that it would be best to get a new laptop.  What!!!

It's true that it is old and it runs slow  The other day I was not able to upload a power point to one of my classes.  But this piece of machinery has been with me for a long time.  It is bulky and the battery lasts for 10 minutes but this is the computer I would do my research on.  On the front, Santi, my first husband, my late husband, lovingly bought the computer sticker and arranged it on my laptop for me as a surprise.  This man who is no more, touched areas of this computer and his touch is sealed within the sticker part.  His fingerprints can still be found.  I am sentimental about this computer.

I find that I have a lot of sentimentality.  I was an only child whose parents died when I was still young.  I would make inanimated object my friend all of the time.  I got it into my head that the things that I touched were somehown alive but unable to communicate and here I was abandoning them in the garbage.  I think I just revealed all of my inner turmoils and trauma in one sentence.  Suffice it to say, I have sentimentality as a side affect and this means holding on to things that no longer serve to help you.  The computer is literally telling me that I should get a new computer.  It is the end of an era.  

So I am looking for a new laptop.  It no longer has to do a lot of heavy lifting.  After this year, I will no longer be a student.  I can focus on writing and surfing the web.  I can't imagine being able to take a less bulkier computer with me to the coffee house to write for a while.  I bought something for the meantime because the other day I couldn't turn it back on and I was afraid that it was gone for good.  However, it seems like this computer took a bite of whatever my cat with a straddle thrombosis has and has decided to stay with me for the time being.  

To say a last word on sentimentality, it is, underneath it all, a fear.  We fear forgetting a past that we once had.  I know people who have suffered loss develop a habit of taking pictures just to hold on a little more.  This is what we are doing, we are holding on because our brains don't always remember  all of the stories.  I believe that this is at the crux of people who tend to hoard.  I knew a few hoarders in my day.  I need to let go of things and remember that God has called me to live my life not to live in the past with people and things who are no longer.  I have my future to face and my present to attend to.  I need to trust in God.  To this I say, Praise the Lord!

Remembering Different Seasons

 There are some days that are brilliant and light filled with goodness and joy every second of every day.  There are days that are tiring and hard and each tick of the clock brings you closer to the grateful end of the day.  There are seasons that are dark and heavy.  There are seasons that are colorful, bright and warm.  As I sit here writing, my heart is thankful.  We are in a season of thankfulness.

I was scrolling on Facebook and a picture from 4 years ago popped up.  Even as I looked, I could see the sadness peeking out from within my eyes.  I flinched looking at the hard memories.  I could remember the pain and loneliness only to flash back and be where I am.  I remember the goodness of the Lord.  God has brougnt me to where I am right now.  I am not living in the same place.  I am not working in the same place.  I don't have the degree I thought I would have.  What am I going to do with a degree in Leadership?  I am married when, for a while there, I thought I would never marry again.  God is in control.  

I'm writing these things not to complain but just to say that things can keep on changing.  I am not who I was last year, never mind who I was when I was much younger.  A social media person was dancing to 80s songs and I was brought right back to who I was when I was a teenager.  Now I have teenagers living in my life.  Life goes by too fast.  Here's the thing, things will continue to change.  

I would like to have some good moments every day.  I would like to remember the good times when the sad days, when the bad days get too heavy.  I want to lift up my hands and eyes and give thanks to God from Whom all blessings flow.  I can see that at my age, I am looking at slowly rolling down the other side of my life.  I want it to be an easy and happy trip.  In the meantime, Praise the Lord!

A Masters' Dedication

 Normally, there is an Acknowledgement and Dedication page at the beginning of a book.  I would have written a dissertation.  I will not now.  I am learning to be fine with this but I still would like to write a dedication as closure to this time in my life.

I dedicate this work that I am currently doing to my children.  I think that it was important for me to model education for my children and my students.  I believe in learning and I have invested myself into education.  This is a powerful thing.  I wanted to be one of the ones that didn't say, "Do what I say, not what I do."  

My children have watched me type and read and work late into the night.  They have lent me their rooms as work places.  They have left me notes inspiring me to keep on working.  When I first learned about not being able to finish my dissertation, I thought of them.  I thought of them being disappointed in me and this brought me shame.  I remember them.

I also want to dedicate the work that I have done to my parents, especially my father.  He came to this country from Colombia and it was he that believed in the power of knowledge.  He invested in me and in my learning  He sent me to good schools.  When I think of all I have learned in my formal education, I am so proud of the education that I was blessed to receive.  It was exceptional, even when I fought to not do the work.  I am thankful.

I think about my family and where I came from.  Did my grandparents envision an educated grand daughter.  Did they hope for a lover of learning?  I don't know.  I hope that I have made them proud.  It is true, "I am the dream and the hope of the slave."*

I have had two husbands while working on this degree.  I think of my late husbamd and his reticence for me to do this.  At the time, I was doing it to help us and our small family.  I was hoping to bolster my earning power.  Now, I think of my current love.  He is so proud of me.  He doesn't allow me to be mean to myself for my failure.  He assures me of who I am and how I am loved.  He reminds me that I am not my accomplishments.  I am thankful to them.

Finally, but God.  My dissertation chair called me the day that he died.  I was supposed to submit some chapters for her.  I imagine working on my dissertation while waiting for the police and then the medical examiner.  Regardless of what I may think, grief did affect my ability to finish, but I didn't quit.  I fought to write and then to present.  It's true that I didn't have the time.  I'm not upset, whatever my God ordains for me is good.  Praise the Lord!

*Quote from Still I Rise by Maya Angelou.  

Loving Black Cats: Midnight

 I try to remember the year.  I believe it was either 2010 or 2011.  This would make Midnight either 12 or 11.  I have been calling him 13 years old.  No wonder he's upset with me.  In any case, a little boy gave him to me at the end of the school year.  I was working in South Phoenix in an elementary school.  He wasn't my student.  His mother didn't speak English.  "Do you want him?"  He was this tiny kitty.  The small boy told me that he was the runt of the litter.  When I brought him home, my husband at the time, Santi, told me that I had 9 days to get rid of him.  He has lasted so long already.  

Midnight was really my baby.  He loves to snuggle and be carried vertically.  He was the only cat I knew that liked to be carried.  He was so small and sweet.  He got along well with our oldest cat, Samson right from the start.  When we brought Barkley home, we were scared to introduce them.  Later, it was Midnight that would hang out with Barkley.  They were such good friends.  

One day, a window was accidentally left open. The kids and I went out, it was just after Santi passed away.  We went to church and when we got home, there was a dog and one cat waiting for us to arrive.  Samson was so upset.  It was almost like he was waiting for us to get home.  David and I went around the block looking for a black cat in the dark of night.  I was crying.  I just lost my husband, I was going to now lose my cat!!!  

The next morning I woke up and went to the backyard right away.  I was standing there drinking my coffee when I see a sly black cat climb back over the wall to the house./  I didn't wait.  In bare feet and pajamas I went running and picked him up.  I felt a little like the father running towards the prodigal son.  I was just so glad he was back.  When I put him down, Samson sniffed him and licked him.  Big Brother missed him.

When we brought home Luke, the lucky kitty, Midnight was the one who showed him the ropes.  Luke loves to mess with Midnight.  I can find them sleeping together and fighting.  They are just so cute.  Midnight is my social butterfly  He loves company but hates the doctor.  Right now, he is fighting.  He has a lot of life in him.  We are coddling him as much as we can.  Sweet cats are a gift.  We are cherishing him while he is with us.  Every day with him is another day of the gift that is his presence.  Yes, it can be stressful caring for a disabled cat but he doesn't complain... until it is time to give him medicine.  So far, it takes at least three of us to give him his medicine.  My Midnight is such a fighter and I am so grateful for him.  I am thankful to God who has brought him into our lives to love and be loved unconditionally.  He, like so many pets are such a gift.  Praise the Lord!

Graduation Day

 It's night time already.  Let me tell you about my day.  Today was not like me.  I like to prepare and then prepare some more.  I usually like to have all of my Ts crossed and my Is dotted, if you know what I mean.  I didn't have too many ideas today on how it would all go down.  I mean, I had been thinking about graduation for years but not this graduation at this time.  Not getting the degree that I started out with has me feeling like an imposter.  I guess this is at the root of everything.

So, I had planned on doing my hair.  I did my nails.  I didn't have an outfit planned.  I didn't know the flow of the day.  I got up and was overwhelmed.  I wonder what Santi would have thought had he been here today.  I think he would have been proud of me.  I think all of my loved ones on the other side would have been proud but somehow I feel like I have let them down.  I aimed too high and I am only coming home with second prize.  

There is an acknowledgement and dedication page I will still post.  I'm working on that for later on in the week.  And yet, today there were moments that were hard and I couldn't put my finger on why.  As I got ready, I cried.  My husband had to talk me down. He told me he was proud of me.  Am I such a big critic that I can't be proud of myself?  It took me forever to get myself together and I drove myself to graduation while my husband went to pick up the children.  

It was lonely driving over to the university by myself and super early.  I kept on sweating and I ended up moving and then sweating some more.  I loved where I sat and I was happy to sit with some women who were graduating with me.  There was peace as I posted and people watched.  I waited for my family to arrive.  

There were some errors.  I mean, there were more than just a few issues.  Apparently, I didn't remind people that there were no purses and it had to be see through.  Some people didn't know where the graduation was to take place.  The lady saying my name mispronounced it and my people were barely able to catch me as I walked across the stage.  I'm sitting here thankful.  I don't know what God has in store but I want to believe that there are still big things in front of me.  Praise the Lord!

An Anticlimactic Graduation

 I have off this week for Fall Break.  Yesterday, I spent the day with my family on a family adventure.  Today I spent the day re-dying my hair and doing my nails because tomorrow, I will be graduating.  I believe greatly in graduations.  I always encouraged all of my students to walk when they had the chance.  There is nothing like the ceremony of graduating to come to terms with an accomplishment.  Yes, it's true that I still have the rest of one class and another class after this one to complete but in my mind, I am closing a chapter in my life that was long and hard.

You should know that I normally love a celebration.  I love the pomp and circumstance of an event.  Had this been the original graduation plan, I would have wanted a big celebration.  There is something about doing it in October, where my friends will not be able to join me.  One friend is traveling.  Another friend, I don't know what is goind on with but at the end of the day it will be just family.  I don't want to go out for a nice dinner to celebrate.  I just want to go to my usually Bible Study at church and post some picture.  I may be able to post the live stream and wouldn't that be awesome!

Here is the crux of this post.  I am relikeved at the end of the day to be mostly done at this point.  I will walk and I will quietly finish my classes and have just one more degree under my belt.  My sweet husband will tell me that this is quite the accomplishment and I am finally feeling that maybe it is.  As I have stated in a previous post, I look forward to reading books and watching television.  I look forward to being able to spend time on myself and maybe even... write more?  In any case, I am relying on the God who knows all things to walk me through all of this.  In case you were wondering, I'm still praising the Lord!