It started a few months. I was getting notices on my computer. I really didn't pay attention. I would shut down the window ignoring or just glancing at the notices. That is until I really looked at what it said and it told me that past January, Windows was no longer going to provide updates my my computer. The notice, brash and intrusive told me that it would be best to get a new laptop. What!!!
It's true that it is old and it runs slow The other day I was not able to upload a power point to one of my classes. But this piece of machinery has been with me for a long time. It is bulky and the battery lasts for 10 minutes but this is the computer I would do my research on. On the front, Santi, my first husband, my late husband, lovingly bought the computer sticker and arranged it on my laptop for me as a surprise. This man who is no more, touched areas of this computer and his touch is sealed within the sticker part. His fingerprints can still be found. I am sentimental about this computer.
I find that I have a lot of sentimentality. I was an only child whose parents died when I was still young. I would make inanimated object my friend all of the time. I got it into my head that the things that I touched were somehown alive but unable to communicate and here I was abandoning them in the garbage. I think I just revealed all of my inner turmoils and trauma in one sentence. Suffice it to say, I have sentimentality as a side affect and this means holding on to things that no longer serve to help you. The computer is literally telling me that I should get a new computer. It is the end of an era.
So I am looking for a new laptop. It no longer has to do a lot of heavy lifting. After this year, I will no longer be a student. I can focus on writing and surfing the web. I can't imagine being able to take a less bulkier computer with me to the coffee house to write for a while. I bought something for the meantime because the other day I couldn't turn it back on and I was afraid that it was gone for good. However, it seems like this computer took a bite of whatever my cat with a straddle thrombosis has and has decided to stay with me for the time being.
To say a last word on sentimentality, it is, underneath it all, a fear. We fear forgetting a past that we once had. I know people who have suffered loss develop a habit of taking pictures just to hold on a little more. This is what we are doing, we are holding on because our brains don't always remember all of the stories. I believe that this is at the crux of people who tend to hoard. I knew a few hoarders in my day. I need to let go of things and remember that God has called me to live my life not to live in the past with people and things who are no longer. I have my future to face and my present to attend to. I need to trust in God. To this I say, Praise the Lord!
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