Live

 It has not been a perfect day but I got the advice today to listen for God.  Okay.  I am numb right now. You see, Friends.  I learned that this lovely boy that went to the school I work in, passed away not too long ago.  I heard whispers about his death and causes.  It wasn't Covid-19.  Does it matter?  This lovely boy is gone.  I remembered how he would come in with his work clothes.  He had a sly smile.  I would see him in Mr. Clark's room where we would all struggle with math, myself included.  It is sad and I am sad.  May God bless his family.  

And then I heard of the death of this sweet smiling girl I once knew.  Her name I couldn't immediately place with the face but I knew the name.  I looked her up.  She was 22 years old.  I was 22 years old when I met my husband.  She was a baby.  In her pictures, she was so pretty, alive the way only 22 year olds are alive.  She would come up to me, back when that was allowed, and she would hug me.  She was sweet and stubborn.  Is she really gone?  

These are unfortunately not the only students I have lost.  They pain me, these deaths.  I am thinking back.  I can see their faces in my head as I remember them.  Some of them have been gone years.  I have seen the destruction these deaths create.  Now we have another killer in our midst.  Will I lose co-workers?  Are there more to be lost?  Death will come regardless.  It leaves you with a chill in your bones.  Unlike Dementors, there is no chocolate that will help you feel better.  Only God can give back hope. 

My son saw the expression on my face.  It was not the easiest day today.  Learning how to do my job in this new environment is uncomfortable.  I went to my son's school because his father is still listed as his primary contact.  It still stings telling the lady with the brilliant purple hair that David's father is deceased.  "Oh." she said, quietly.  Death requires reverence. I sat there remembering these babies that were gone without having lived and my dear boy took the dishes away from in front of me.  He asked quiet considerate questions about these students and then brought me a plum.  He is consoling me.  

The other day I was in my room and I remembered the chorus of an old song.  

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.  Because He lives, all fear is gone.  Because I know, He holds the future.  And life is worth the living, just because He lives.

I would say that God knew I would need to remember remembering about this song.  I would need the words and sing it to myself to remind me that in the midst of despair, God grants us hope.

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  

When I run out of hope, I go to God and get more.  But today I will allow myself to be empty.  Today I will remember and process.  Today I will grieve.  I will hold my own biological babies a little tighter tonight and I will pray over them.  I thank God for them, such treasures.  May they never let go of Jesus.  Death reminds you to live.  Live, Friends.  Live.