Monday, July 6, 2020

Panic Mode

This morning I woke up in panic mode.  Sometimes these things just happen.  I slept well, and for this I am thankful.  It would seem that there be a normal progression of things returning to normal.  You see, this is the problem.  I assume.  I assume that things will return to normal.  I assume wrongly but at the time, this was the truth that I clung to because it allowed me immediate peace.  Now, having waited and seeing that things continue horribly, I am now emoting, which for me right now means panic.

I have had an email and a few people ask me about work.  I pretended that I was a lady of leisure.  "Work?  What's that?"  This is the life of a teacher.  Here we are at the 4th of July mark and I know that work is around the corner.  Just this thought has my heart racing.  It doesn't matter if you love or hate your job, there is something about going back to work that just fills us with dread.  I'm sorry, but it does!!!  Work is coming and it is going to be messy and hard to adjust to.  This has me feeling a little down.

Then, my son and daughter are going to a new school.  My son is entering high school!!!  I have no idea what that will look like and I'm nervous and panicky about this as well.  He asks me about how he will go to school.  He is reading more in order to prepare for the demands of high school.  I don't have any answers for him.  And then there is my daughter...  I don't know why this was easier when it was David but Janet is going to middle school.  My beautiful daughter, I want to put her away from the world.  I pray for my kids because I am a single mom and I think they need more than what I have.  This adds to the flickers of flame that I already have on panic.

Did I mention that I'm finishing up the demanding parts of this final degree?  I would like to be planning road trips or organizing my house.  I would like to spend real time going on picnics and doing more things with my family.  I want to be done and I'm working on finishing but in the back of my head there is the worry that I won't finish.  There is the worry that I won't have enough time.  There is the worry that I am not doing a good job.  This will be my last summer working on it.  I have to get out of my head in order to do this but instead, I am panicking.

Then there is dating or not dating as it is.  I know I signed up to date but I am realizing that I really don't have a lot of time to meet people.  LOL!!!  It could be good or bad depending on how you look at it.  How does this affect me?  Well, I'm not getting any younger, am I?  Funny enough, I'm not that worried about dating.  Usually I am.  I guess that just goes to show how concerned I am about everything else.  

Why am I talking about this panic mode?  How is it that I am sharing it with you all?  My son asks me yesterday why does calling someone chicken mean that they are scared?  He tells me, "Chickens will rush you.  They are not scared.  People who are scared should not be called chickens."  He asks me what is an animal that gets scared easily.  I think I mentioned goats.  "Well, we should call people goat instead of chickens."  So funny.  This led us to talk about different animals and we got on the topic of sheep.  Sheep are stupid.  Humans are alluded to in the Bible as sheep... a lot.  Is God calling us stupid?  Probably, because we are.  God tells us to trust Him.  God tells us not to be anxious.  God tells us not to worry.  Do I listen?  Haven't I told this to other people?  What happened this morning that I remembered all of the worry and none of the God?  Hello.  My name is Elle.  I am a sheep.  Yes, this means that I am stupid.  Why?  Because how could I waste one second of my time when I have the Creator of the universe in my corner; the Lord of heavenly hosts!!!  

So, today, I am removing the negative thinking and I'm trying to approach this day knowing that God is in control.  I tell myself this every few intervals.  I'm focusing on verses.  I'm praying.  It's kind of hard but I'll tell you how I do.  God is good.  Praise the Lord!

No comments:

Post a Comment