Saturday, February 8, 2020

This Weird Time of Year

I knew this time of year was coming.  It is the strange time of year after Christmas and at this point, before Valentine's Day.  There is too many days that have too much darkness.  I often wake up confused.  Am I meant to wake up?  Why is it still so dark?  When I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I see that I still have 3 more hours left to sleep, it is with deep gratitude that I throw myself on the bed in abandon to sleep deeply for that time.

Add into this strange season the fact that my husband's 2nd death day is coming up in between my children's birthday season.  I think, "Man, is it really going to be 2 years that he's gone?"  So this makes me think that I really should be done with this grieving thing, right?  I need to pack up my stuff and move on.  I need a change.  I know this.  I just don't know how to do this.

I got a random text the other day which reminded me of my husband and I went into my co-worker's office and just started crying.  No, I was not hormonal.  I wish it was.  These days it's an easy fix.  And there is the possibility that I am hormonal.  I don't know what to expect as I am closer to fifty than forty.  I mean, should I be doing research on supplements?  I don't know.  Every year I live, I find issues that I wasn't prepared to encounter.  What is going on with this ache here?  What is going on with this change there?  I don't know.  I hope that if you are reading this that you are asking your friends about all of these changes.  Talk to your mothers and publish articles titled, "What You Don't Know About Aging."  I wonder if JLo feels any of this.

Friends, as I wait for longer, brighter, warmer days, please keep us all  in prayer.  Please keep me in prayer.  I'm trusting in God.  I'm dealing with getting older.  I need summer to appear and I have hormonal teenagers in my house.  There is also me telling myself that I need to get off of the grief horse while remembering at this time two years ago, I had a husband and now I don't.  I am tempted to think that this is what I get for being the worst person and not a very good Christian.  If I ever did something wrong to you, I know you are thinking, "Elle is finally getting her comeuppance."  Yes, I am.  You can stop wishing bad things upon me.  I'm learning my lesson and I will continue to be a hot mess.  I know.  I think it's a congenital sin disposition.  Instead, do me a favor and take some time to send my prayers my way.  I will be praying for you all.  Thanks.  God is good.  Praise the Lord!!!

1 comment:

  1. You are in our prayers. I once knew a guy who lost his wife, and he had not finished grieving, it had been quite a few years that had passed. Only you know when you are done grieving. Not in my times frame or anyone elses but yours. Don't rush the process Elle. You are loved more than you think. And God loves you know matter what.