I get glimpses of a future life. I see possibilities surrounding me. I talk to my children. We play "what if" games. What if we moved away to another state, another country? It's is amazing to me that they will go wherever I go. There are no qualms. You can see the resolve in their faces. They are Ruth and I am Mara. It is clear. Where I go, they go. They do not see me apart from them. Somehow, this makes me more responsible for them not less. I am scared for them. They have inherited somehow, my loyalty.
My daughter is clear in her commitment to me. You can see how she is with me. My son, my son is more like me in his loyalty. I started climbing a mountain yesterday. I took it slowly. When I turned back, I saw him. He was watching me. He eased up more. This man-child was not about to let his mother climb up a mountain without him. I got stuck and he raced down to me while his friend raced up to help me. I made it down with both of them. Good sons both of them. Such blessings from God. When he was born, I would sing to him a song dedicated only to him. I knew it was his song from the moment I heard it, long before his birth. The song is The Pretenders', "I'll Stand By You." It's his song but he's the one who won't let anyone hurt me. My sweet boy!
There are a lot of unknowns in the equation. There are a lot of variables. I don't have all of the answers. I stand and I listen. I'm waiting on God. I have a recurring dream about a house in a field at night. I don't really know what it means. The only thing that I really understand is that I need to write. Maybe I'm supposed to write about all the stuff that I am going through. I wonder what my simple, little words can do to help. I have the long term view in front of me. I don't like my feelings. This is a hard truth to write. I fight with them because they want to drive the car and they don't. God drives this car. So every day, I wrestle with them and tell them to simmer down and let the Master do what He will do. My human feelings tell me things about what is seen and evidence. I have to remind my feelings that we walk by faith, not by sight. Something else my sister, Paige has recently reminded me of. Hope this helps.
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