Tuesday, February 18, 2020


I have been needy of late.  I have been emotional.  Not tired, not overly worried... yet; I have just been in need of attention.  I think I need to be seen.  I never understood this before, this need for attention.  I understand it now.  Am I being seen?  I am being seen but I want to be seen as more than just a teacher or a mother.  I want to be seen as a thinking individual, as an adult.  I think this is something that people can relate to.

I was sitting with Esther in her office (I technically don't have one) and I was feeling so emotional.  I remember pulling out my phone and looking at my app.  I understand my problem.  I'm hormonal.  On my way home, I had some beef.  I know to stock my fridge with broccoli.  I should probably be taking multivitamins but I don't currently.  I'm sure that soon I will stock my medicine with a whole battalion of vitamin and supplement bottles.  I'm amazed at the health of the young having two such youngsters at home.

I would like to be independent.  I would like to not feel needy or need attention.  I mean, other people do it!!!  Don't they?  What makes me different?  Because I'm a widow?  Being a widow is honorable but I would not recommend it.  Stay married and make it work.  Have you heard of Broken Heart Syndrome?  Look it up.  It's a real thing.  I personally would not like to continue in this sad state of affairs.

I looked it up and there is every possibility that I am an Alpha Female.  This doesn't necessarily mean anything negative.  I think it means that I walk tall and I know it.  LOL!!!  My friend and co-worker is 6'7" and there are some days when I talk to him and it surprises me at how high I have to look up.  Today I ask him, "Am I really this short?"  At 5'3" ish, I'm not exactly towering.  He looks at me and smiles.  He is very handsome.  "As if you didn't know."  He tells me.  "You walk tall."  I do.  But even confident types like me need attention every now and again.  Some may even go so far as to say I'm a diva.  I'm not.  I have diva ways but I'm not a diva.

I'm embarrassed to bring this all up but I promised myself when I started this blog to be real and honest.  If I need attention, maybe I'm not the only one.  I don't have any solutions.  Maybe I should go somewhere  and get the attention I think I would like.  Maybe I should go out with friends and have a make over.  I'm telling you, I don't know what attention it is I think I seek.  When I come to some consensus, I'll let you know.  As for now, I will write.  I will keep going and I will praise the Lord.

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