Sunday, October 27, 2019

It Would Have Been 18 Years

Today is October 27th, 2019.  My mother died on October 27th, 1982.  When we were planning our wedding day, we knew we wanted October.  We spent some time deliberating and trying to avoid my mother's Death Day.  But here's the thing, everything worked better by just getting married on the date and by marrying on this day, I was hoping to change the very morbid meaning. 

I wanted to elope.  I didn't want to have a wedding because my Dad had died a few years before.  I wanted him to walk me down the aisle.  It would have been an emotional day when I wanted it to be a happy day.  Honestly, my heart wasn't in it.  It was hard preparing for a wedding that I didn't think I wanted.  I have such good friends and family that helped me out but I was happy once the day was over.  Then there was the fact that my wedding happened in New York City after 9/11.  My wedding was sort of tainted after that.

Sitting here, I'm feeling a little sad.  I had a great day.  I went to church.  Then the kids and I went to the dog park with our very scaredy cat dog, Barkley.  We had so much fun.  But thinking back to the year and change that Santi has passed away, I'm sad because I'm no longer the woman that was when he died.  I'm not the woman that I was when I married.  I remember Poema 20 by Neruda, there is a line that says, "We, of that time, are no longer the same."  I mean, we are all changing.  Every moment of every day, we are changing.  The New York that I left a decade ago is not the same New York of today.  It has moved on without me.  We move on. 

I miss him.  I loved being married and finding my other half.  I was one of the ones who advocated for marriage and children.  I tell everyone, "Stay married."  Hold your spouse a little closer and be kinder not knowing when the last time is the last time.  I don't really know what to do about these anniversaries.  I don't want to keep on counting something that is no longer.  It's sad to say, "It would have been my XX anniversary."  Man, am I doomed to keep counting anniversaries that never count?  No.  It would have been 18 years that we were married together.  But we are not, so...I'm just going to say that I will always remember him on this day but I will not count the days any longer.  He is in a better place and I am moving on.  I don't want to set up my husband's death as an idol.  I'm letting it go.  Next year, our would be 19th year, I will remember Santi and I will celebrate the love we had and our wedding but it's not something I will worship.  The only thing I will worship is the God that has gotten me through the worst days of my life.  And I will praise Him for all of my days. 


  1. Always know you are truly loved my friend, not only by your friends and family, but by the almighty God that protects you. Praying for your heart and your strength.

  2. You are truly amazing & beautiful inside & out. Keeping you & family in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. What a lovely tribute to what you had--and to your commitment to changing for the better, the stronger, the more understanding, the kinder, smarter YOU.

  4. Wow, that is powerful! Especially the part about how how you don't want to set up your husbands death as an idol. That really spoke to me. Thanks for sharing!