Wednesday, October 16, 2019

How's It Going to Be

Yes.  I'm thinking of the Third Eye Blind song.  This particular song talks about a couple on the verge of a break up and the guy is imagining how it will it be when this couple inevitably breaks up.  There is something so incredibly sad about the demise of a relationship.  My official recommendation is to advocate for marriage and to definitely, infinitely stay married except in the event of abuse, abandonment or infidelity.  I could be wrong.  So, maybe you shouldn't take my advice.  What do I know?  I'm just a widow.

You ever have those moments though when you allow yourself to imagine what you're life would be without your official other half?  With a husband telling you that you are beautiful every. single. day.  it is easy to imagine that you're beautiful.  My dear man was always so very gracious with me.  I'm always surprised at the ungraciousness of the world.  So here I am, a widow with too many words.  There is every possibility that am not as beautiful as I was led to believe.  There is every possibility that I am just too old and too chunky to be not considered as a valuable asset to a community. 

I don't think this.  Even with my thick thighs and my gray hair, I think I am something to behold.  There are moments when I feel on the outskirts though.  I think about... how is it going to be?  There is a fear and a sadness watching my children grow and knowing that I will have to let them go and be who I raised them to be.  There is a fear and sadness about doing hard and scary things by myself.  I need to do it.  I don't want to get stuck.  An example is road trips.  I'm scared of going by myself but I need to do just to show myself that I could do it.  So... I'm plotting and planning.  I've said this before.  I just need a small trip to show that I could do it.

I am beginning to understand bad habits.  When you have too much to do and you can't seem to catch up.  When you are overwhelmed and there doesn't seem to be any rest in sight.  It's easy to pick up a bad habit to make you feel... something else for a little while. 

But I am not the holder of the future.  God is the holder of my future.  He commands me not to fear and not to be discouraged.  I want to tell Him, God, do you know all that I have in front of me?  I believe that He knows.  I know that I am not alone.  I KNOW that I'm not alone even though it FEELS like I might be alone.  I have to cling to what I know not what I feel, even when it feels bad.  So I sit here and I praise the Lord because I am thankful for the truth.  Praise the Lord!  Alleluia!  Even when I don't feel like it.  Especially when I don't feel like it.  Praise the Lord!!!

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