Barkley

 Animals are with us when we are at our worst.  Especially dogs, they seem to love us a little more unconditionally than other pets.  I have been a cat person for most of my life.  I love their indifference and their independence.  But then came Barkley...

My late husband, Santi, bought him for me as a Valetine's Day present about 8 years ago.  They were selling him on the lawn in front of a Bank of America or US Bank.  He was the cutest thing I had ever seen.  He like to stay on my lap cuddled for the majority of a day.  We struggled finding a name for him.  We wanted something with a B, Byron maybe.  After much deliberation, Barkley came about.  His middle name is different depending on who in the family you ask.  For me, his name was Barkley Sneezus Miller because he sneezed to show his happiness.

Barkley would love to bark, so he was aptly named. He would always prone to show his expressions of love, fear and discomfort.  Barkley loved car rides, running out of the house and racing one of us, he loved treats and headrubs.  He didn't like other dogs or dog parks.  He didn't like being without us in the house.  He was meek and sweet.  We found out he was a papillion spaniel when we brought him in one day to see the vet.  We thought he was a cross between two breeds but the vet assured us he was a papillion.  

He was the youngest of the pets.  I expected him to be the last to go.  He was more David's dog than mine but we all loved him.  He was our loud and crazy dog.  He warmed up so much to Geoff.  I'm surprised I'm as devasted as I am.  The grief is shocking.    

They didn't go to school and were trying to pack up the last of the things today.  So, when he went into cardiac arrest, he wasn't alone.  He was with his boy.  I left work to take him into the emergency.  I had thought he had gotten into something and was choking.  They told us that he had an underlying heart problem. It was probably the stress of the move that triggered his poor little heart.

Moving hasn't been easy.  It feels like a loss and I had been grieving the life that once was.  It feels like starting new, a starting new that I didn't properly prepare for.  Barkley had only lived in our former house that was falling apart all around us.  And now... his memory lives on with the house in my heart.  

My son asked me, "Is it true that all dogs go to heaven?"  I didn't hesitate.  I said, "Yes."  Barkley lives on... if only in my heart.  Praise the Lord for good dogs!!!

A Prayer for Bad Days

 Today was a very bad day.  It was the kind of day that stays with you and makes you question what you are doing in life and if you are doing life right.  Let me unpack it all for you.  I am working on my last degree.  I'm getting ready to finish it all.  I left the job I was at in part because I wanted to have time for my family and this degree.  I took a temporary job that was close to home.  I did this so I could have less stress and more time.  I have more time because I can only work 40 hours a week, no more.  This works in my favor.  What doesn't work in my favor is that there is a teacher shortage in Arizona with a very specific need of special education teachers.  

Now, I like teaching well enough but let's face it.  You need to have a little (or a lot) of something in order to teach specialized instruction.  Whatever that is, I wonder if I have any more of it left after teaching for 16 years.  I'm tired.  You may even say that I'm burning out.  What does a once teacher do when they burn out?  Do you think I could become a character actress or a rockstar?  I'm contemplating a life doing social media.  I mean, I sort of have my brand...  I don't know.  I'm tired for sure.

Today was a bad day but it's not a bad life.  I saw the house on a walk-through today and it's really nice and it makes me happy.  Yesterday was the wedding anniversary of my first marriage and my mother's death day/  I don't even think I was in the frame of mind to post anything at all.  It was a busy tiring day and I basked in it.  At some point, I let myself remember and there was a wave of sadness, but that was all, a wave to remember them by.  

These bad moments I pull out and bring to Jesus.  These bad moments that tend to fester and bother, I like to pray about.  Jesus has a way of protecting me, of protecting us.  I am so sure of this.  It is littered all over the Bible.  I honestly think that we don't give God enough credit.  He is an all powerful, all-knowing, all-present being.  Our minds can not fathom the width and breadth of God.  Why do we, why do I insist on putting Him in a box and limiting Him in my world?  My humanity is stupid... stupid and sinful.  I may need to pray for a little wisdom every once in a while.  You see, only God can give wisdom and you need to ask for it.  That may answer some of the questions you have about the world around you and why things are the way they are.   

I'll even be bold enough to say my prayer right here.  If you need this prayer, go ahead and take it:

Dear God,

Today I had a bad day.  I'm not a fan of bad days but I know that You are with me when I have them.  God I pray that you give me wisdom.  I would like some wisdom to know your plan for me.  I would like Your wisdom in order to make decisions.  I would like wisdom to help with all the saltiness I tend to accumulate throughout my days.  I love You, God.  Help me to overcome this humanly struggles.  Please forgive me.  

Amen.

That's all.  God is good.  Praise the Lord!

Shedding Layers

 I know that I shouldn't be blogging but there has just been so much going on recently.  I am working on completing things.  I am happy to report that things are falling into place.  And as they are changing, I realize that inevitably, I must change as well.

What did I want to do in this life?  I am finding as I round the corner to a milestone birthday that dreams should be lived.  You should definitely take chances in this short life.  I think of that line in Isaiah about old man dreaming dreams.  I am like one of these old men.  I am dreaming dreams.

I know that these posts can be vague.  Honestly, I would love to spill everything right here in black and white.  I honestly don't have the energy to write about it all.  God is good to me.  I really and truly can not believe the way that He has provided for me and for my family.  To God be all glory!!!

I owe a debt of gratitude to my friends who are more like family and who work in realty.  These angels know who they are.  I am not sure that I am at a place to shout them out but a shout out they deserve.  But I will save acknowledgements for another day.

I left a good job that I was adequate at and that I was at for 10 years to become a contracted worker.  I am a essentially a temporary teacher working for a district.  I don't know how I feel about this job.  It kind of fell in my lap and I went with it because at there time there was nothing else I was prepared to do.  I get asked why I left.  I guess you could say that I felt that I couldn't do the work there any more.  It was time to move on.  

But just because I'm a temp worker doesn't really mean that I am treated as a temp.  I try to explain to one of the people there that I am not doing more than what I am being paid for and she seems to think that I should.  Hmmm....  It makes me thankful that I am temporary.  Here's a note of advice: "Don't push someone who doesn't need to be there."  I don't know who needed to hear that but there it goes.  

I will tell you that I stand outside and I listen to the song of the trees as the winds blow through them.  I continue to step on super crunchy leaves, excited to hear their crunch under my sneakers.  In the morning I like to tell everyone, "Good morning."  Every now and again I am matched in my enthusiam.  I am glad when the rich, green grass gets cut.  I can usually do my steps in a day.  I can tell you that what I feel the most is gratitude.

I am moving.  I have flashbacks of living my life in this old house with my late husband.  I find that I miss him.  If I am still enough, I can almost hear him.  As I go through things, I find his memories there.  I look at the pictures with his smiling round face.  I think he was happy sometimes.  I hope he was happy sometimes.  I know he is happier now.  This makes me the happiest.  

There is no guilt.  There is no confusion.  I loved someone.  In fact, there is not anything wrong with saying that I still love him.  He is not here though.  He has moved on and I had to move on too.  My new husband is not the same.  I am not the same kind of wife.  It is different.  This is a different time in my life.  I think my family is progressing because of Christ, not because of me.  If I have anything to do with it, I would say it is because I love Christ.  

As I prepare to move, I am shedding layers.  I am streamlining my property.  Somehow, I am changing.  My prayer is to change in a way that glorifies Christ.  Let's see what happens.  

In the meantime, say a prayer for my family and the transition and take a moment to just thank God if you are so inclined.  Praise the Lord!

Being Consistent

As a person who is not just a hot mess, but a hotter mess, I can tell you with certainty that I don't do a lot of things well.  I am a great admirer of those who do do things well (LOL!  I wrote do do!!!).  I have moments that I find that I can be consistent.  I have a wonderfully long streak in my Duolingo.  I have been playing Candy Crush Saga for a long amount of time.  And I consistently go to church.  I go to church to meet with God and His people.  

I'm going to put this here but I have a confession to make.  I was having trouble reading the Bible on a consistent basis.  In fact, I have been with my current Bible for 9 years and I have been actually looking for other translations.  I am looking for a word for word translation that leans toward a study Bible with the possibility of journaling.  More than that, I am looking to be fed.  I am looking to hear from God.  I want to be open to whatever God tells me.  I have read through the Bible more than once.  I have read through different translations.  I like to take my time reading through it all.  Good News Translation, the older NIV translation, the New King James Version with a devotional, I have read through each of them several times.  So... what was next?  I found an app.  Technology logs the times that I log in.  There are different plans for the different seasons that you find yourself in.  God is helping me find a way to Himself... and I am thankful.  

I don't do a lot of thing well,  I am getting better at things and hoping to become the best version of myself.  But, as someone who is a self-proclaimed mess, I need to acknowledge my need for a Savior and that there is room for improvement.  I mean, who am I if I think I have it all figured out?  The one thing I can do and try to do well is to keep going, consistently.  So... I'm working on my consistency with God.  What are you doing to practice consistency?  That's all for now.  Praise the Lord!

I Don't Wanna!!!

 I don't know if I'm the only one to have days where I don't know what to do with myself.  It would seem that no matter what I do, I am not enough.  I have spoken in the past of my awareness with my insufficiency and I am very clear that I continue to be a hot mess in need of a Savior.  This is different.  I am speaking to this idea of serving and having too much to do and not enough to do it with.  In essence, this is a rant.

You should know that I try not to complain or vent because it's a lot like eating Doritos.  You can't just stop at one.  Not only that, it really puts a lot of negative energy out in the world and even if I feel better afterwards, I still spoke, with my powerful words, negative feelings and things that may or may not affect those around me. Still, the essence of my rant is... I don't wanna!!!

I am a contracted worker working as a temp in the education field.  I believe that I am treated as a regular worker... but I'm not.  I get paid only for the time that I am there.  However, the workload is more than the time that I work.  They have stopped scheduling for some meetings but I every day, I find another invitation for a meeting that will no doubtedly, be scheduled for after my allotted time.  I am thankful for the work, but I also feel that you may need to consider paying for my extra time or scheduling someone else for the meetings.  There is no one else to schedule?  Sounds like a problem, but not mine.  I know!!!  It is such a secular view of the world of work!!!  What are my alternatives?  Okay, so I've been questioning my purpose and praying about it.  Cover letters, resumes and CVs can be especially overwhelming.  And, My Friends, I am already overwhelmed. 

Underneath it all, there are questions: What do I want?  Who I am?  What am I good at?  What do I want?  What will make me happy?  Where does God want me?  What do I need in order to be successful?  Am I doing what is right in the eyes of God?  Do I have the right attitude?  Where are my Doritos?  Who ate my Doritos?  What do I want?  

It's a litany of unanswered questions.  There is a song by the name of "Finest Hour" by Cash Cash.  It is one of my favorites but today, this song is my anthem.  "This ain't my finest hour.  Might see my flaws today."  I look in the mirror and I see my age catching up with me.  I finally feel my age.  I have to look around to see if the devil is around.  You know how he likes to kick a sister when she's down!

The fact is that I continue to be loved.  I am worthy of the love of a Savior.  I currently have a job where I am needed.  I need to trust in God.  I need to wait on His plan, even when I have had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad lustrum, a bad decade.  I need to be grateful for what I have and not what I don't.  when I don't understand something, I need to bring it to you, my Readers and Friends.  I need to bring them to God.  So forgive me for my... humanity, yet again.  God is good to me.  Praise Him!!!

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I was communicating with a friend of mine and I was telling them that this transitional portion of my life feels like falling down the rabbit's hole much like Alice in her Adventures in Wonderland.  I am working (or procrastinating) on my last degree.  I have a temporary job that I have the ability to enjoy when I remember that God is good and He has good plans for me.  My husband also reminds me to be thankful for the providence of a job that is working for me.  God reminds me that He is with me and that I am not alone.  God is good to me.

Much like Alice, it has been scary when you find yourself falling in an unknown place with strange unaccustomed things on the shelves before you.  You don't really know where you are going to land and there is fear in this uncertainty.  Of course, there is also fear of the pain of falling and of (maybe) failing.  But when Alice was falling down that hole, she got tired of falling.  It took a very long time to go down that hole.  And when the fall occurred, it came unexpectantly.  It has gotten me thinking of what my Wonderlands would look like.  

I am not finding a niche for myself.  Where could a colorful, somewhat academic, extroverted introvert go to find purpose and a raison d'etre for herself with the rest of this life God has given her?  Je ne sais pas.  So... I'm praying.  I don't want to just exist or survive.  I want the promises that God has given me.  In John 10, Jesus is talking to His crew.  He says, "Most assuredly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.  All who ever came before Me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them.  I am the door.  If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture.  The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."  John 10:7b-10

I am falling down this hole, waiting to hear the voice of the Shepherd, the Good Shepherd who wants to give me life and life more abundantly.  I have had enough of the thief with his stealing, killing and destroying.  I think you can agree with me on that.  It is scary.  It is hard.  Applying to jobs and not getting in?  It is hard.  Making plans and having them fall through?  It is hard.  Changing your life?  Starting again?  It is hard.  I ask God, "What do you want me to do with all of these hard things?"  And here I am writing a blog.  Here I am talking about it.  Here I am telling you that this life is hard and crazy and really scary but here I am, trusting in God and waiting to see where He leads me.  Trusting in God is hard but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do in life. It's not about me.  It's about God and His glory.  May I be worthy of the task.  

Be praying with me, Friends.  Be praying that I follow the voice of the Shepherd and not my own.  Pray that I can be Biblically salty and be salt and light to this world that needs flavor and light in dark places.  My sweet husband will tell you that if I'm a flavor, it would be Spicy Nacho.  Nachos (Not yours) but his spicy nacho chip (I'm cracking up.  You know how I do!!!)  If even silly sheep could listen to their Shepherd, I pray that I could listen to mine.  Praise the Lord!!!

Turning the Other Cheek

 We are all broken.  Did you know this?  We are born broken.  I wonder if anyone is raised the way they need to be raised based on who they are.  Any parenting slight and memories that produce triggers are made.  We are fragile, we humans with our traumas.  I think we need saving.  We need a Savior to come into our messes and save us... from ourselves.  

These days, when I come across negativity being strewn my way; I wonder... Is it me?  Or is it the brokenness inside that causes people to cut us off and be rude.  Should I return this negative energy?  Recently I had the opportunity to work with my son in his anger.  He wanted to return the same energy back to the broken person that came across our path.  I asked him, "To what end?"  Either we are part of the problem or part of the solution.  God would have us turn our cheek.  Turn our cheek so that they can smack the other one.  God would have us do the right thing and let Him even out the scales of justice.  The harder part of it all is letting God do this.  

I have people tell me, "I have anger issues."  Usually, it is meant as a warning.  They are really saying, "You should be afraid of how angry I can get!"  I smirk.  Like I don't have anger issues!!!  How do you think I know so much about anger and the cycles that it creates!!!  It's harder absorbing the anger and letting God and the Holy Spirit take control. 

I think that anger is about serving our egos and the ego's need than serving others.  As counter-intuitive as it may be or even sound, serving others instead of our own egos, may just be one of the secrets to life.  And it is frustrating and aggravating!!!  Ugh!!  I want to complain sometimes when it comes to serving others.  But then... something magical happens; something absolutely miraculous occurs.  We are and our demanding egos are fed and are satisfied.

The first time my sorority and I served on Thanksgiving at a soup kitchen, I complained at how early we had to be there.  I was not a happy camper in the least.  By the end of our time, we were happy.  I was happy.  We even did it for a few years after that.  Serving is its own blessing.  Phoebe Buffay was right.

What am I putting out there?  Am I being the salt of God or am I just being salty?  Am I adding to the collective unrest or am a being a light in dark places?  I am praying that I am the latter and not the former.  Anger- this only serves me.  Forgiveness, this negates that and helps me move on.  And let me not forget as someone who is a a hotter mess, I can forgive because God, my Father forgives me of my messes.  Praise the Lord!!!