Monday, September 13, 2021

I Don't Wanna!!!

 I don't know if I'm the only one to have days where I don't know what to do with myself.  It would seem that no matter what I do, I am not enough.  I have spoken in the past of my awareness with my insufficiency and I am very clear that I continue to be a hot mess in need of a Savior.  This is different.  I am speaking to this idea of serving and having too much to do and not enough to do it with.  In essence, this is a rant.

You should know that I try not to complain or vent because it's a lot like eating Doritos.  You can't just stop at one.  Not only that, it really puts a lot of negative energy out in the world and even if I feel better afterwards, I still spoke, with my powerful words, negative feelings and things that may or may not affect those around me. Still, the essence of my rant is... I don't wanna!!!

I am a contracted worker working as a temp in the education field.  I believe that I am treated as a regular worker... but I'm not.  I get paid only for the time that I am there.  However, the workload is more than the time that I work.  They have stopped scheduling for some meetings but I every day, I find another invitation for a meeting that will no doubtedly, be scheduled for after my allotted time.  I am thankful for the work, but I also feel that you may need to consider paying for my extra time or scheduling someone else for the meetings.  There is no one else to schedule?  Sounds like a problem, but not mine.  I know!!!  It is such a secular view of the world of work!!!  What are my alternatives?  Okay, so I've been questioning my purpose and praying about it.  Cover letters, resumes and CVs can be especially overwhelming.  And, My Friends, I am already overwhelmed. 

Underneath it all, there are questions: What do I want?  Who I am?  What am I good at?  What do I want?  What will make me happy?  Where does God want me?  What do I need in order to be successful?  Am I doing what is right in the eyes of God?  Do I have the right attitude?  Where are my Doritos?  Who ate my Doritos?  What do I want?  

It's a litany of unanswered questions.  There is a song by the name of "Finest Hour" by Cash Cash.  It is one of my favorites but today, this song is my anthem.  "This ain't my finest hour.  Might see my flaws today."  I look in the mirror and I see my age catching up with me.  I finally feel my age.  I have to look around to see if the devil is around.  You know how he likes to kick a sister when she's down!

The fact is that I continue to be loved.  I am worthy of the love of a Savior.  I currently have a job where I am needed.  I need to trust in God.  I need to wait on His plan, even when I have had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad lustrum, a bad decade.  I need to be grateful for what I have and not what I don't.  when I don't understand something, I need to bring it to you, my Readers and Friends.  I need to bring them to God.  So forgive me for my... humanity, yet again.  God is good to me.  Praise Him!!!

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