Words

I have always had a problem with words.  It comes from being an only child.  I remember living in my small house in The Bronx, NYC and being compliant and quiet because I had a sick mom.  My room was my world.  I was lonely at times but then when other people were around I didn't know how to act around them all the time.  My default setting was pleasant.  And then, I could not dictate who and when would be my playmate at any given time.  I wanted to play with Nicole, not Devon.  But Nicole was unavailable and my mother got along with Devon's mother so much better, so I was forced, like we all are, to acclimate.  All of those unsaid things resided in me.  I had so many words that I developed not one but two imaginary friends.  

I understood the power of words at a very young age. Words would help me.  I wanted to know how they would work and how language would help with expression.  Of course, I didn't say any of that when I was a child.  I can barely acknowledge it now.  But I knew and found amazing that c connected to o and a w makes the word cow.  This was the first word I could read and spell with fluency.  I learned it watching Sesame Street at a babysitter's house.  At my house, I didn't watch Sesame Street.  I found the show itself to be a little boring and too babyish for me.  I liked The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island.  I liked stories.  

I have had a hard year.  I have sat in silence processing.  There is nothing that I can say, really, of any worth.  Everything under the sun has already been said.  Sitting in my life I tell myself that my voice does not need to be added to the throng.  I'm not writing for other people.  I am writing for myself.  I have to get all of these words out.  They have been choking me for far too long.  I am done being quiet.  I am done holding back the words that seem to choke me.  If I am to move on with my life (and I need to move on), then I have to find a better way to process.  This is it.  I apologize for airing out my self-discovery therapy sessions.  Sometimes it's about me and sometimes it is not.  I just have to do what I have to do in order to grow and this is it.

I will do more for the next post.  Until next time...