Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Living in a Bubble

I know I said I would write about being a just a blade of grass.  I even have the post ready but on my heart, last night and today, I couldn't stop thinking about the bubble.  What bubble? I know you are thinking about it.  The marriage or couple bubble is what I'm referring to.  If you are married or in a couple, you are in a bubble.  Yes, you may still be in the loop when it comes to certain things but marriage and children have a way of bringing you deep into the nucleus of this bubble.  Your world consists of children, domestic chores, and relationship with your family.  It's not that we become bad friends or everything that our single friends complain about.  It's that we are in a bubble.  We place ourselves there as we prioritize what we want.  Right?

I have been in this bubble.  I placed myself there.  I met someone when I was 22 years old and I walked into that bubble with him.  I remember some of my single friends complaining about spending so much time with him.  We were layering our space together.  I changed to accommodate him.  He changed to accommodate to me.  Toward the end of his life, my dear sweet bubble mate told me that he wouldn't have changed a thing.  He was always very generous and sweet with me.  It was a sweet bubble that we had created. 

When he died, that bubble popped and I fell to the floor. 

Do you know in the movies when someone blacks out and through the camera we experience what they are experiencing.  Sometimes we hear voices first and then as we open our eyes things are blurry.  It is clear right away that we missed something.  Sometimes there is someone there waiting for you to open your eyes and make sure that you are okay.  At times we are embarrassed.  We ask, "What happened?"  It's like we are waking up.  We are disconcerted that the rest of the world kept on going while we were out.  Now we have to assimilate and acclimate to the world around us.

This is me now.  I really don't know how to talk to people.  I have tried to explain all of this to some friends of mine but they really didn't understand what I was talking about.  I mean, I'm Puerto Rican!!!  We are by nature happy and playful folks who enjoy being personable, even an INTJ like myself.  But what exactly am I going to talk about.  The last time I was single, Seinfeld was on TV and my favorite show was Friends.  Well, some things don't change. I don't understand the obsession with avocado and toast.  I don't have Netflix and I'm not sure what to do all of the time with the social media that I'm on.  I've missed a lot being in that bubble. 

Some friends have understood. I'm better at writing than at talking so I'm so very happy that I have this forum.  Here is the other thing, I have been in a bubble for a quarter of a century, more or less.  Except in professional or religious contexts, I don't know how to talk to the opposite sex.  Just writing that last sentence was hard for me. The last time I spoke to 40 year old guys as a single woman were my father's friends back when I was younger.  The guy friends that I have had were couple guy friends.  Conversations were those that you have as part of a couple.  Topics that are discussed are music, movies, the weather and other harmless topics.  Men knew me through the lens of their wives as it should be! I don't follow sports much.  I don't know about cars.  I'm going from someone who knew everything about me to explaining all of my Seinfeld references.  It makes me feel like I need to take a class.

I don't have to really talk to men. I can stay with my mantle of widowhood for the rest of my life.  I can create a bubble of one that would greatly resemble the inside of Jeannie's bottle (from I Dream of Jeannie).  I don't know that I want that.  I don't know if that is what God has for me.  I am shaking off the fog of falling.  I am taking a look around and I'm figuring things out. Let's see what happens...

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