I really had to think about how I wanted to write this post today. I had this other idea but then I started writing and this post came about. Here is the thing. I think that as humans we are meant to live in relationship with other people, but other people piss us off. Go ahead and process this information. When I think about the people that had the power to really mess with me, they are the people that are closest to me. Why should I care as much about a stranger? A stranger doesn't call me and I'm okay with that. But if one of my friends doesn't call me back or reach out to me then I start getting worried. Makes sense?
I love you so I'm not going to let you shut me out. My son, he gets upset and he wants to be alone. I'm the same way. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. When he goes to his room and is upset, I go with him. I have sat there in silence with him until he feels good enough to talk to me. I tell him I love him and I fight the wall that he puts up to show that I'm not going away. He thinks I'm a pain in the butt but I'm the pain in the butt that will love him through his rough patches.
Back to how this applies to my life. When I was in the worst of my mourning, I felt that people wanted to give me space. I don't know if I wanted the space. If anything, I think I wanted community. I think this was the reason that I went to every church related event, even if I was tired. I think it was community that had me at work when I could have been falling in a spiral of depression on my bed when things got too dark for me to bear. I had a few friends that were brave enough to step into the mess with me. One of those wonderful friends is no longer with us but I think about her. I think about how brave she was to risk my wrath and the ugly parts of who I am to just sit and be with me. To sit and be my friend. I want to be like her. I want to push through the politeness of space and be a real friend. I want to bother you and ask how you are doing and give you the squinty eyes when you tell me you're fine.
I have lost friends. They were friends one day and the next day they were gone. What happened? I didn't recognize when they were putting up walls. And here's the thing. I do the same thing. I put up my walls and then wonder why no one has asked. I test the love of my friends. Let me see if anybody sees if I withdraw? I have done this in the past. I don't do it as much now because I want to value my friends and be present in this time that we have. I want to be honest with myself and others as I try and forge new roads and have this opportunity to confront the parts that need to be exposed to the sun. I'm finding that people relate to my brokenness. People are messy and broken and we are all in need of a Savior (of course I'm going to talk about God in my blog!). Maybe I can shine my little light and shed some light on people who have been living in their darkness too long. Wish me luck!!!